A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright so,I figured I'd try a website like this out so I could get the opinions of people that arent biased.I've been dating this guy for almost 3 months now, and makes me happy, He's an overall good boyfriend, and never ceases to try to make me happy when we're together.But there's a downside to him, that I knew from the beginning was there, but didn't know the full capacity of it.He frequently dabbles in drug use, which I was told was limited to mainly marijuana, but I have recently been told stories of cocaine and other life-****ing drugs like that. He claims he just "wants to try everything once" and says he wouldn't repeat use of most of the things he has tried, but it seems cocaine is a reoccurring factor.I'm not dumb, and I know its super addicting, so I warn and try my best to make him understand that drug use of any kind is not something I want later on in my future with my boyfriend.I don't do any drugs myself, and make it known I hate them. He's cut back but has yet to completely wipe them out of his schedule. Should I wait longer? I realize we have only been dating three months, so its kind of early for me to jump the gun and say he's never going to change. I like to think he would, since he's already made so many small changes.Although the other day in the car he mentioned that he wanted to be a seller.Like honestly? What the f**k right. I don't know what do for real.He's such a good guy honestly, he's smart as hell, and he knows what's right but lacks to act on it because of some circumstances (he doesn't have a support system because his dad used to abuse him, and he lacks trust of his mother).I want to save him, and provide him an environment away from his friends one day with my own apartment.Am I being to caring and giving?Sorry this is so long, and there's like, twenty questions throughout this little rant, but I'd really appreciate the advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): There is a book called Women Who Love Too Much and you should probably get that book because maybe it's your history and lack of support system that is driving your poor choices and contributing to your very low self esteem. You are too giving at the expense of yourself and you will only be trampled all over by boys who will take advantage of you and never love you.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Good guy, wannabe drug dealer.
Tell me, do you actually ever LISTEN to yourself?
Yeah yeah, he got excuses. Everyone has. Not everyone does drugs or wants to sell them.
"I want to save him"
The killer line. NEVER a good idea. If you want to save someone go to the pound and adopt a stray. BF's should be chosen with a higher standard then pity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2011):
 Run honey, run like the wind.
And I agree with the other Aunties & uncles... Stop being so naive.
And remember YOU can not change another person. You can change how they look or how they talk, but who they are YOU can not change. ONLY they can, IF they so desire.
He sounds like a total loser.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2011):
 He is waving a whole pack of red flags and you are not paying attention. You are indulging in wishful thinking, I'm afraid. You are being naive and trusting if you think he is changing for you, or that he will.
It's pretty simple. If you don't want a druggie for a boyfriend, don't date one. You are dating a druggie right now, he knows he's doing drugs, he figures if you're still dating him, he's okay.
You see, there's this whole words/action thing. Pay attention to the ACTIONS, not the words. He's doing that right now to you, he's not paying any attention to your words, because your actions indicate that you are okay with the drug thing.
His actions so far: lying about his drug use, continuing his drug use, talking about becoming a drug-dealer (a MAJOR felony) and doing nothing but "cutting back"--more likely he's just getting better at hiding it from you. His words indicate that he likes risk-taking behavior.
You have what you need to make the best decision for yourself. You just have to pay attention.
If I were your friend, I would suggest you take yourself to an Al-Anon or Narcotics Anonymous meeting, just to acquaint yourself with people who have been where you are about to take yourself.
Look, you've been dating him 3 months. It's sad and troubling that he's a druggie, but you haven't invested that much into the relationship. You cannot be his surrogate parent and "fix" this for him. He has to first perceive there is a problem (which he does not) and then go seek help for himself (which can't happen until he admits there's a problem).
Cut and run. Sorry, that's my advice. Take care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 You are not too caring and giving, you are too dangerously naive and misinformed.
You seem to consider cocaine use as some pesky , "not so nice " habit similar to picking his nose or scratching his butt : he will stop if you tell him nicely that it bothers you a little , right ?
Plus, he is contemplating a career as a seller. Great. Just set him up in your own apartment, so he can "work " from home and set up a nice cozy little traffic ring. Oh, and give him your cell phone too , don't forget that.
People don't change. They CAN change if they want and decide to,- but they never change to please somebody else. Least of all some girl they have been dating for all of 3 months !
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2011):
You're being seriously naive. Rarely in the history of mankind has a man actually changed for a woman. And this is clearly no different. If he was taking drugs before, is taking drugs now, he will continue to take drugs and make a mockery of you.
You said you weren't dumb - prove it. He's a bad boy now, he'll always be a bad boy and you'll just end up the unhappy one. Or worse he'll start to slip you the drugs to make you addicted too.
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