A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend of 6 years, but after living together for 1 year our sex life has grown dull. For some reason we haven't openly talked about masturbation/porn in at least 2 years, but I guess I always knew my boyfriend watched it even now we live together - it doesn't bother me as I've learnt over the years that all men do it.My boyfriend started talking about it tonight, mainly as a 'sexual conversation' and told me more than he usually does. He told me he watches it every other day, often when I'm in the house downstairs. He said he only loves me though, which of course I know and I'm not worried about. The only thing is, we only have sex once a week - at most! At age 24 I don't think this is a lot, and have mentioned it a few times to him. I would understand if his sex drive was low, but it hurts that he chooses porn over having sex with me, and that he does this every other day knowing I'm downstairs.Is this normal? Should I ask him to cut down?Thanks for answering!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Sure, ask him to cut it down if you think it will make him more sexually interested in you.
But if you want the truth? It wont help. His sex drive isn't that high, and he only wants you once a week regardless of how much porn he watches. Because porn/masturbation and sex are two slightly different things. Yes, they're both sex, but one is sex with yourself, and the other is sex with a partner. You can have different drives for these two things. Just like, there's something called group sex starting usually from threesomes and up. Some people have a high drive for this too, while most have a low drive for this type of sex, and a high drive for sex with one partner.
Do you get the difference? You sound like you have a high sex drive for sex with your partner, but a low sex drive for sex with yourself, or sex with multiple people. Your boyfriend has a high drive for sex with himself, and a low drive for sex with a partner. And, thankfully, a low drive for sex with multiple people. So you are a sexual match 1/3. Which is, unfortunately, a bad match.
I know you don't want to break up with him over this, because finding someone you are compatible with in all areas is just about impossible. So you need to decide what is most important to you, and how much of a difference you can live with before it becomes a problem.
But trust me on this, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is a lot. If you're not satisfied sexually, then you will start to feel resentment. It's already showing in that you feel resentment over his porn, his masturbation etc. Soon enough, you will start to resent him in other ways too, because you are not being satisfied. And soon enough, you will start to see other men in a new light, and start to wonder what it'd be like with a partner who matched your sex drive better.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 If you are unhappy with your sex life then you need to let him know, maybe he thinks you are happy with once a week and that is why he turns to porn. My guess is that he is not choosing porn over you, he probably just uses it to relax. Talk to him about it, tell him you would rather he came to you and gave you the attention, tell him you feel once a week is not enough.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 The answer to "How much porn is too much" is similar to the question "How much alcohol is too much"?
In moderation and used responsibly, porn is a good quick release of sexual tension, a good outlet especially in times where partners are separated or during single times.
However, like alcohol, it's too much when it interferes with the enjoyment or function of daily life. We all know the physical and social and financial drawbacks of alcoholism, so let me focus on using that analogy for porn.
It's too much when a quick "rub one out" is the go-to instead of coupling with one's partner, and is in fact the culprit for a lowered sex drive. If there's sex happening once per week, yet porn twice per day, that's an imbalance.
It's too much when the physical effects of ED occur because too much porn or too extreme of porn has desensitized the brain to conventional stimuli (orgasm through intercourse without the barrage of imagery), and too much masturbation has desensitized the penis to become unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
You do need to talk to him, and tell him that it's hurting you that he's choosing the quick solo relief of porn to the extent that it's interfering with your sex life. I'm guessing that once per week sex wasn't always the case with you and him.
It's a valid conversation to have with him. The first thing you need to understand is - if you're dealing with an addiction, it's not a matter of him choosing someone "prettier" than you to get off on, and it's not a message that you're not enough. In fact, it's possible that he's looking for a way to get free of the cycle himself, because porn addiction is truly soul-eating.
Talk to him with love. Tell him that his masturbation to porn has gotten out of balance, and that it is interfering with your sex life. There are many people out there who have gone to once-per-month sex or none at all because of porn. Sometimes it just creeps up on people to the point where it takes someone to say "Hey! We've gotta change course here!".
Treat the porn issue as an issue outside of both of you, because if you treat your boyfriend like an ally against this fight instead of the adversary who's been wronging you, it will get him a lot more engaged in making the course correction.
If he gets stubborn or it doesn't go well, come back here and tell us what he said. We'll go from there.
Finally for you, look at this site:
yourbrainonporn.com
It's a non-judgmental site on the physiological and psychological aspects of porn addiction on guys and girls alike that will help you in understanding and dealing with the addiction.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 August 2016):
 Yeah, if you're not happy then tell him. Tell him you're not having sex enough and it's bothering you. Just because you get on well doesn't mean you're sexually compatible and for a lot of people that can be a deal breaker.
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