A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Will try and make this short.I've been married for 12 years. My husbands younger sister has always disliked me.I tried to build a bond with her early and had her as a bridesmaid in our wedding and she also lived with us prior to that so she could study.Whilst living with us at that time I found a hate book about me, saying how jealous she was etc. etc. etc. As a result my husband asked her to move out. She was 19 at the time.Over the years we havent seen eye to eye at times and never been close. Since having my children we maybe saw this sister in law a couple times a year and she has since been engaged and due to circumstances we couldnt make it to her party (it was a 5 hour drive and is hard with little children)Last year on my birthday I recieved a card from her (first one ever in 12 years) but then she had written a nasty letter to me abusing me and her brother for all that was wrong in her life etc.She had words with him and myself and was being a cow so we stopped speaking to her and havent spoken in a year. The other day we recieved a wedding invite to her wedding.My husband does not want to go as she has never tried to aplogise for her letter and actions.It is probably a no brainer "dont go" to her wedding but Im worried it will cause more issues with his other siblings.I really dont want anything to do with her again or her with my children and my husband totally supports this.Any thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): thanks for all the replies.
If after 12 years this girl still has issues with me I doubt any more time will help. She is 30 now.
I would really love to be the bigger person here, I really would. However this girl is always so smug. She is always saying "grand" her life is etc. even though my husband and I think it's all an act.
Although wanting to be the bigger person, I really dont think I could sit there through it all. The thought of it makes me physically sick.
This girl has also threatened the relationship with us and our children by saying she will keep their bday and xmas presents and give them to our kids when they grown up along with all correspondence. So we are really not comfortable having her around our children anymore.
Yes, my husband probably should have stepped up a bit but you can control what this girl is going to do.
I actually think she sent the invitation to save face and make herself look like "she" was making the effort and to make us look bad.
We would love to go if circumtances different but after a year, I though she would have apologised and we could have all moved on.
Your right she is selfish and spoilt and probably pretty unhappy in secret by saying her life is always so great.
I like the option of sending a present and card but will think some more.
Thanks for all your great replies!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 She keeps trying to make nice... IF you can afford it I would suggest going. She sounds like she's immature and childish and jealous of you... but those things can change with time.
Are the children invited and going? I would make even more effort to do so then.. SET THE EXAMPLE of grace under pressure.
note that if she matures properly and has kids they will be your children's cousins and your nieces and nephews and it's NOT their fault their mother was wrong on so many levels in the past.
While what she did was evil and hurtful, being the bigger person and setting the example for all shows what a lovely woman you are.
think long and hard about it.... wounds are harder and harder to heal as the years pass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Perhaps it's just the cynic in me, but I'm thinking that she probably just sent the invitation to get a gift since the previous behavior you describe from her is that of an entitled, spoiled and ungrateful brat.
That said, life IS too short to hold grudges, but I don't think anyone would fault you for not attending. Perhaps you could just send a nice card and a small but thoughtful gift with your wishes for her happiness in her new marriage.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I understand where you are coming from, and if you don't go you are quite justified, but, then again, maybe the wedding invitation in itself is her way to extending an olive branch . Maybe that's the best way she knows how, and can ,apologize, sort of.
Again, if that's not enough for you, I don't blame you. But.. people are what they are, not what we want them to be. This girl sounds a troubled, difficult, jealous , bitter personality ,- maybe she deserves more your and your husband's compassion than your hatred.
Not going to the wedding is sort of an official statement , an official " we never ever want have anything to do with you ", and if you think taking this official stand is necessary for your family wellbeing, do as you feel.
On the other hand, life is too short for holding grudges and getting involved in family feuds - particularly in a case like this where she can't realy hurt you or damage you practically- and maybe , refusing to attend is actually giving your bitchy SIL too much importance and too much power over your life. You guys are family too- I'd go and I'd have fun, hang out with the other family memmbers, and try to eat and drink as much as possible at the bitchy bride's expenses :)... that would be revenge enough...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Sorry to hear about the strained relations with your husband's sister.
She obviously had jealousy and other issues in letting go of her single brother, and even as late as last year still hadn't accepted things.
However, she HAS sent an invitation... and life is short. You never know what tomorrow holds, and nobody should ever live with regret.
The easy route or the "no brainer" route is not going. As you said, it may cause more issues with the other siblings, but, more importantly than that, a Wedding is a time for family. The whole family. There are photos which will be kept forever, there is a new future being built, so a time for family.
Your husband has been exceptional in this situation, always supporting you and not accepting unfair behaviour from his sister.
However, if no invitation had been sent, you would understand why. The fact she has sent one, in memory of the family that was, perhaps you could attend it as an opportunity to see the OTHER family members which may not gather regularly, and an opportunity for your husband and you to dress up, and have an occassion to party.
The focus is on her wedding, however if opportunity arose your husband could be the bigger man and share with her how her letter made you both feel, and that she should apologise for her words and actions. If she chooses not to, you can continue status quo, and if her getting married has matured her in the relationship she is in, she may surprise you with a change?
You are both wise and have handled things well. Good luck with your final decision, but remind him how short life is. If something happened to her tomorrow, would he regret not having said something?
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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