A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with more girlfriend for over a decade.Recently, a (female) friend of hers found her on Facebook. They lost touch because (I am told) they had a falling out over a guy.Her friend is living in France and married a Frenchman. We live in the US. I was very intrigued to hear that this friend finally tracked her down (through another friend). My girlfriend had always said that she was lame about this guy and that's why the relationship ended.Long story short, she was telling me about her friend getting in touch again. Her friend has three kids with her husband. I was asking about the husband and she (my girlfriend) said she knew nothing about him. I accepted that. It has been 20 years.However, today she let something slip. I was commenting about the husband and she said "I knew him back when (her friend) was dating (her now husband's) friend. She has known him that long."Putting 2+2 together (along with some other info) I realize that what happened is that my gf's friend was dating a guy and my gf was dating his friend. This friend ended up being the husband of my gf's friend. It's what tore the relationship apart.Now it has me feeling insecure because suddenly this guy is back in the picture, but - more so - my gf lied initially about knowing him. I don't think she realized the lie she is caught him, but I caught it. First, she didn't know this guy and later she admits she did know this guy and they all used to hang other together. What's more, I am pretty sure he used to be her lover. I would probably not care about any of this except for the fact that my gf lied to me. That she felt a need to upsets me. To go from: "I don't know anything about that guy" to "That's the guy I was dating that our friendship was destroyed over" is a big difference.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): "Nothing" (as in "she knew nothing about him") is often a code word that women use to mean "I don't want to talk about it." Haven't you ever asked your gf what's wrong, and she answered "Nothing!" That doesn't literally mean that nothing is wrong; it means that she doesn't want to tell you at that moment.
I'd be willing to bet that your gf gave you an evasive answer either because she didn't want to talk about her friend's husband, or she didn't want to upset you, or both.
Keep in mind that if your interpretation of events is correct, reconnecting with her friend is stirring up painful memories that your gf doesn't want to remember. She had to come to terms with the memories internally before she could tell them to you.
This is very different from telling an outright lie with the intention of deceiving you.
If this doesn't convince you, it might be helpful to read about the differences in how men and women communicate.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2012):
OP you are overreacting. I am sure your girlfriend took the easiest way to avoid remembering and discussing the whole history. These are certainly bad memories for your gf, give her a break.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): Her right to keep her past a secret does not extend to the right to tell you lies. She should have been honest with you or said nothing at all.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 It was odd of her to lie about that, but maybe her first reaction was to protect your feelings. He does live in France. I'd say you don't have alot to worry about because he chose the woman he wanted and he married her. If he didn't want your g/f back then, he probably doesn't want her know either. I wouldn't be too concerned at this point but you'd be wise to at least keep your ears and your eyes open to any possibilty. And it probably wouldn't hurt to let her know you're onto her and you're aware she lied and how that makes you feel.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2012):
 Honestly, she shouldn't have lied. Lying break trust. However you have been with her for over 10 years and the friend and ex have been married for over 20 years and not only that they live a world away.
Talk to her. Tell how you feel.
My husband recently got in touch with his high school sweetheart on Facebook. She is married with a bunch of kids and a husband of 26 years. We have been married for 14. I think it's OK to talk to people who were a big part of your life at some point in time as long as it's done with respect for every one. I for one, trust my husband or my marriage wouldn't work.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I don't think she wants to upset you by lying. Rather it was an unpleasant memory she doesn't want shared. Don't concentrate on the lies. Relate to her that it was probably humiliating that he chose her friend over her, like she was not good enough. She didn't want you to judge her from that experience. She lost in the competition and there is nothing to be jealous about a man being fought over by two women. All of you have changed and matured over the years. If you continue to dig deep into this what does that make you, another competitor for attention. Don't overblow a secret that's nothing more than a painful story in the past. What you should do is celebrate what you have together and not let past events ruin what you have right now.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (10 March 2012):
 She shouldn't have to discuss her previous dating life to you if she doesn't want too. She's just protecting the privacy she deserves. She might be embarrassed or ashamed of it. That was a while ago, she shouldn't have to talk about it with you, considering you weren't even in the picture at the time.
Try not to be upset about it. You see it as lying, she probably sees it as "not wanting to talk about it."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): and you are annoyed, why??? he lives in france!! they haven't been in touch for many many years. you are over reacting!
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A
female
reader, heather016 +, writes (10 March 2012):
Sometimes us women just deny that we know a certain man because we do not want to remember what happened in the past. In this case, when her ex became her friend's husband, from my perspective, of course it was hard to take at first because we all know that, for women, if you date my ex, we're on no good terms. Having said that, your girlfriend wants to move on. Why don't you help her instead of feeling insecure? You should continue loving her and show her how important she is to you. You should always remind her.
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