A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years, and we live together. This has been a gradual process, of me losing my patience. She cries a lot, for many reasons. Not a ridiculous amount, but at least a once, maybe a few times a week. Often, it is when I am upset, or sad, or in need of support. She then busts out the tears for whatever reason, and forces me to comfort her (not in the literal sense, but what else am I to do when she starts crying). I have even talked to her about this many time, to no effect.My patience is now almost all gone. over 5 years of pity, neediness, and crying. How many times must I be a beacon of support whenever she needs it, and to hell with my own times of need. She is not a bad person, but I think she is weak emotionally. I have put up with this for so long.I now feel nothing when she cries but exasperation. In the beginning I would feel bad for her and do anything to make her feel better. Now I just want to shut her up; because I know she is crying for no good reason, and I know this will happen again and again.We have been through a lot together. I have no idea if this will change, and I am not counting on it. What should I do? Talking about it never helps. In the heat of the moment she seems to understand, but then next time she is upset the waterworks flow. I have been with her for over 5 years, we are living together, and I care about her a lot. I am desperate. I don't want to resent her. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): Must admit I would find it annoying because (it's often a sympathy trait, but for me, me, me).
Although some people can appear more emotional and cry easy, it's sweet at first,but it can get rather childish. I probably have a harder opinion( not heart) because I have cried real tears over serious problems and because of this, I don't have much tolerance for cry babies(sorry)who cry over nothing and drag pity over to themselves.
I am sure your lady is a wonderful person with a very soft heart, but in times of trouble we need a strong heart and a sense of humour.
Doubt you can change her crying though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Does she actually ask to be comforted when she cries? What does she act like? Does she cry at films etc too? I ask because she might just be an emotional person by nature. I cry quite a lot but often I don't need any support, it's just an emotional release and I feel better after on my own. If she is crying when you are upset then maybe it is coming from a place of empathy? You need to give us a bit more information on how she acts when she cries and what type of situations you are referring to. If you are upset she might just be crying because she is feeling sad alongside you. If however you are addressing issues you have with her or the relationship, then it's either a form of manipulation or she takes criticism personally and that is how she copes with it. Either way OP, this is who she is. If you can't take it then you need to leave and find someone else. Even if she does cry a lot, the fact that you have no empathy for her at all suggests to me that this relationship is over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Personally I cannot stand women constantly crying even though I am a woman. I very rarely cry unless there is a genuine reason and for someone to cry even once a week would drive me nuts. I would have lost total patience by now. What is she actually crying for? Is it genuine or another attention seeking response? I work with a woman who cries at the drop of a hat and the other women at work despise her for it. There is no reason on this planet to need to cry even once a week. Her lack of support when you are down and need something and she then changes it to her by the crying episodes is very manipulative. I am sorry but this would be the end for me. The resentment level within me would just be too great and I would be beginning to dislike her for it. My ex husband was a cryer and there is only so much patience you can have with this before it just genuinely becomes annoying. I would tell her this has to stop and the next time the tears come just ignore her totally. Perhaps if she no longer receives attention the episodes may lesson.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 SVC, I don't think the OP's girlfriend is like you, and who just need a cry every now and then. I also need to cry ever now and then, I tear up easily because I'm emotional, but I don't always need support. It's a way to show emotion, sometimes I cry because I'm just tired, or because I'm angry, or just very emotional in one way or the other. So I understand that part. Yet I know when it's not "my turn" for affection and comfort. The OP's girlfriend sounds like she's manipulative, and IS using crying as a way to get attention.
If the OP needs support, then she isn't interested in giving it, she's not supporting him, comforting him. She's just finding reasons to cry and then get support herself. That can be very exhausting in the long run. And after 5 years, I think it's more than just coincidental that whenever he needs support, she suddenly starts to cry...
OP, I think you really do need to discuss this with her more. You shouldn't aim at getting her to stop crying.. some people are emotional, or emotionally weak as you call it. Some people just cry easily, be it because of hormonal changes or life situations or mental health issues. But what you do need to discuss is the way you handle the situation. If she starts to cry, what does she expect from you? What do you expect from her? What would you prefer to do? You are exhausted from this, which is understandable. It is very exhausting when the person you are close to always needs the attention, always needs your comfort, and basically sucks out your energy without returning it. It's very understandable. But at the same time, you're responsible for not giving away more energy than you can afford. You're responsible for your own health and your own happiness. So if comforting her every time she cries sucks out all your energy.. then you need to stop comforting her every time she cries. If feeling guilty for not comforting her sucks away your energy then find less exhausting ways of comforting her.
You also need to talk to her about ways she can comfort you, and about times when you need her support. What do you expect from her at those times? You need to be very clear on this, because people think differently, and she might not see the things that to you are obvious.
I mean when me and my boyfriend first started dating he was clueless about what I needed, so if I got upset he would just retreat and back out. Which made it even worse for me. He didn't know what to do at those times, so we made the simplest agreement.. But it works. If I got upset he would make me a cup of tea. And that was it. No words needed, and I knew that by that action he showed me he cared and that was his way of comforting me. Then as I drank the tea I'd calm down from whatever upset me. Now he's gotten better at reading me, and knows when to give me a hug, or when to just listen (I often just need to rant and then I'm good again).
But unless she's told you what she needs when she's upset, how will you know? And when not knowing you probably drain all your energy into different things you do for her, to make her feel better. But the solution might be to simplify things. Do one simple act of comfort, such as making a cup of tea. Talk to her about this though, make an agreement on what to do when she's upset. Something that doesn't drain your energy. In return, you have to come to an agreement on what SHE needs to do when you are upset or need support or need comforting. Perhaps you would like a hug and talk about things, or perhaps you would just like to sit with her next to you and not do anything but be close. But find something simple that both you and her can remember, something that you know will comfort you both without wasting so much energy.
However if talking really doesn't help, and if she never supports you, and never comforts you, and always turns the situation around to focus on herself and her own needs... Then I think she is possibly very selfish. But at least do have that final talk with her. Sit her down, discuss this in length.
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A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (16 March 2013):
I agree with the other posters. Also, no amount of talking or asking her not to cry is going to make her stop - this is who she is and it is not something you can change. You just have to decide if you can live with it or not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Honeypie and I are totally on the same page here right down to the book.
I do not think she's crying to be manipulative. I think it's who she is. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't always need to be comforted when I'm crying. Sometimes I just need to or want to cry.... Crying is not a bad thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2013):
 I'm guessing you haven't figured out that THIS IS WHO she is, by now? Crying is not necessarily being weak, but it does make her sound very emotional and you on the other hand have unrealistic expectations of her.
Maybe the relationship is over? You seem to have no sympathy or empathy for her and her personality, because you feel like she doesn't put you first.
Maybe you both need a good therapist.
And perhaps you should pick up the book called the 5 Love Languages. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): When you are both calm I would suggest she sees a counsellor purely to help her form coping strategies other than crying in times of stress, sadness etc...
It could come from childhood and her way if coping was to cry and someone (parents) sorted out her problems and pacified her. You, through no fault of your own, have helped to continue her pattern as naturally when she cried you wanted to help. But she has become to rely on it as a method of solving. It could also be the other way round and that she had little emotional support and crying was an outlet for her, which has continued to adult life and she perhaps subconsciously wants attentions and reinforcement that someone is there for her, by crying and being comforted she is gaining the reassurance that somebody cares.
I think in a calm moment you outline how you feel when, in your time of need, she cannot be relied upon. Stay calm and if she tries to react be consistent and actually it is an example of her behaviour. I personally would be honest and would let her know it has made your question of this relationship is one for life if she cannot support you emotionally. Then suggest she seeks counselling to help her become an emotionally stronger person and to help find ways of helping herself in times of need. I would also reassure her that you are always there for her but couples need to have a fair balance and currently problems are put on your shoulders.
Good luck
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