A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never slept with anyone before (or even had a boyfriend); I'm currently in my first year at uni and a lot of my friends are sleeping around and such or in relationships. I was considering getting a boyfriend because I feel really inexperienced for an 18 year old and I don't want to miss out on life experience, but seeing the attitude to girls a lot of the guys here have I'm not so sure. Even those with girlfriends often joke about cheating and stuff behind their backs.I've been thinking of deciding not to sleep before anyone before marriage just because I feel I should focus on my studies right now and it seems a lot simpler - the few times I have gotten attracted to a guy here he seems to have disrespected me sooner or later. A lot of guys tell me I'm pretty (not to sound arrogant) but according to people I am also quite shy and nice (again not my own words) and they seem to see me as a total pushover as I have quite a sheltered background. Some guys have done stuff like get off with other girls in front of me and then start flirting with me as if nothing had happened the next time I see me, or make rude comments about me when they know I can hear them.It's not for religious reasons (I am Christian but very liberally so), I just feel so many guys nowadays want to use girls for sex I need to do this to protect myself.So, what are your opinions on virginity pledges? If I did decide to get a boyfriend later are the chances of him staying with me slim if I didn't sleep with him?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 April 2012):
You sound very smart and need to know that you are not missing out. All the new experiences will come to you at the right time and be even better. What you are missing out on is many of the bad experiences that many young people fall into. The reality is that young guys generally have no understanding or interest in loving and caring but know they have to pretend to get what they want - and then move on. Don't do stuff just to be like the others because it won't make you happy, only doing what you really want will do that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): Just find the right guy. You have a right to demand respect from a man. It's natural for guys to think about girls and that sort of thing. But, you also have to let them know that just because you're a virgin, it doesn't make you one to be hit upon. You'll find somebody. Just make sure, it's the one. And if it later turns out being a bad choice, don't worry. Things happen! Search for the guy! That's always what it is about whether one is a man or woman. Sometimes we are lucky. Sometimes we won't be. Just keep looking and asking your friends and family and the "Person Upstairs" for help. All the best to you.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 my view is you should not throw it away " virginity" like a lot of the young women are doing today. women today are making them self cheaply available to many guys, and it comes with a high price. they are limiting the prospect of finding a good guy to spend their life with, and maybe having to settle for less.
you have something special a gift(virginity) you can give it to a guy only once, while a lot of women today are throwing it away cheaply.
it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you want to do the right things in life , and not have regrets with later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): As you know University is when teenagers leave home and parents for the first time and experiment with all the things they can, with their own space and friends to join in.
Its all part of growing up and experiencing life, not just studying , especially in the first year.
The girls and lads are just taking the opportunity to have free sex and fun without being judged, they have their whole life to be serious and achieve career wise. Majority of students finish University with a good degree regardless too.
If you have decided this way of life is not for you , that you cant just 'go for it', then its your choice. I doubt very much you will find ANY young blooded lad in this situation who is prepared to wait for sex, he can get it elsewhere so why would he persue a relationship with a girl who is 'saving herself'. Its just a fact of life.
Definately don't change your values to fit in if it doesn't sit right, just accept your choice, for now, and carry on with your studying.You might change your mind one day so dont make any announcements about chastity till marriage it could backfire in more ways than one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I think you're so afraid of one extreme OP that you're going to go to the opposite extreme to protect yourself.
I have a friend who is devoutly religious and saving herself for marriage, OP it's an incredibly hard life for her OP. She really isn't going to find many guys that are willing to wait that long but she simply doesn't have a choice as her fundamental belief is something she cannot and will not negotiate or alter.
OP all of her ex's were actually pretty nice guys, guys who respected her and weren't just only after sex but after a few months together that always became a deal breaker. Her first boyfriend she didn't tell, she wanted to wait until they were in love and hopefully that love would give him the strength to stick around but it didn't. He was a nice guy but he had his needs and when intimate together he tried it on a lot and inadvertently made her feel bad for refusing. She figured it was unfair that he didn't know from the beginning and her next boyfriend she decided to be up front with. He told her he was willing to wait and that he didn't mind not having sex but again after a few months he realized he couldn't. She then turned out to be an experiment for him and again got very hurt, he was a nice guy too not forceful or aggressive but again he too tried it on a lot.
She has even been unlucky to meet a few player types who said they'd wait but were quite rough and aggressive when it came to being alone.
OP she's basically come to the realization that she quite literally can't have any of the intimacy of a normal relationship until she finds a guy who shares her beliefs. She can't spend the night with boyfriends in the same bed because that's like bringing a lactose intolerant child to an ice-cream parlour to watch the other children eat. Every guy is much more of a risk. They either think they can wait or lie, when most simply can't. OP she is denied so much and is so limited by her chastity that it's something that deeply upsets her and makes her fear for the future. If she had a choice this isn't a choice she would have made.
OP protecting yourself from players is quite easy. You just make them wait without giving them a time frame. Players don't have patience and they won't stick around. A guy who is interested in more than just sex really won't mind waiting and will respect not knowing and will wait until you feel ready. OP I don't understand why people get so caught out, it's fairly simple to judge whether a guy is interested in you as a person and not just is between your legs. The trick is to match words with actions every time. Never listen to words, always watch behaviour. A guy who says he can wait but tries to go too far every time you're alone, can't wait. It is just up to you to stop those guys and not let yourself get caught in a moment or be "convinced" by some whiny emotional blackmail.
It's not hard OP you just have to have the strength of will and conviction to stand your ground and pay not time or attention to guys you think are too casual.
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A
male
reader, Cozmo +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Sex is something you should never take lightly about when and how you lose it, it stays with you.
And you are wise in being cautious of these boys at your university, however you do not need to pledge until marriage. That can cause a whole lot of other problems, but a pledge does not need to be aimed at such a long distance goal (I assume you don't plan to be married before the end of your course and probably a few years after that), you can pledge not to have sex for a shorter time period, until the end of uni or until you have a stable boyfriend.
But like the previous person said: Sex is key in keeping most normal boys, and if you like him and you he likes you know he is probably not playing you there is no reason to withhold, sex is part of a relationship. There is a middle ground from sleeping around and be abstinent.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (20 April 2012):
 If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. Don't feel pressured into something because everybody else is doing it. I'm glad to hear you want to focus on your studies, I wish more girls thought like that!
While I think taking a virginity pledge is a courageous thing to do, there's no need to shout it out, let it just be a personal preference. If you meet a guy, there are so many scenarios that can happen. He might be the one to make you feel comfortable enough to want to try new things. Or he might be the guy who does not share the same values as you and ends the relationship- you can't fault him for having different values. Or he might be the one to respect your values.
But to directly answer your question, the chances of a future boyfriend staying with you could be slim if you didn't do anything sexual together months into dating. You briefly mentioned about getting that "life experience" and that's exactly what most guys in college will want to do. I say most guys. Just don't assume all guys are hungry.
Really with this, you've got to just go with the flow. Stand your ground. I hope you meet someone who shares or respects your values.
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