A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A quick summary of my relationship with my boyfriend:We've been together for 4 years since we were 17 (and were friends long before that). We live in the same area, have many similar friends, lots of shared interests, he feels like part of my family and is undoubtedly my best friend. We've managed to stay together despite going to universities about 7 hours apart; have spent lots of time abroad travelling together and have generally had a great relationship (though of course it hasn't all been perfect- we've had our fair share of disagreements just like any couple!). At the start of this year, my boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident - whilst he was fortunately fine, one of the people in the other car was seriously injured and the other passengers have subsequently suffered psychological issues. On and off since then have been many police interviews, insurance calls, meetings with solicitors etc. and all this has really been taking its toll. Though he has been in a really terrible way since then, one of the things that helped him deal with it all was to look forward and plan for the future. He started planning the rest our lives together- looking at properties and even making spreadsheets to work out how we could spend our joint income.The pressure of looking after him, doing my final university exams, seeing all my friends getting houses/jobs and hearing him planning our life in such great detail eventually got a bit overwhelming - I felt like I was settling down aged 21, which terrified me and so around Easter time, I told him that I needed a little bit of space and that we should have a break. This was by no means an easy decision for me but I think that the period of 2 months when we were apart taught me a lot about myself and reassured me that I can be independent. I also realised how much I loved my boyfriend and how lucky I was to have him, I really missed him and was so pleased when we got back together at the start of the summer. However, when we got back together and I thought everything was wonderful, I didn't realise that he was even more miserable than before (but was putting a brave face on it because he didn't want to burden me with his worries like he had before the break). Whilst he was thrilled that we were back together, he was also very hurt and angry that I had broken up with him at a time when he really needed me. (I admit that I was acting in my own interests and though I did make sure I kept checking on him whilst we were apart, I can understand why he felt so abandoned). He was becoming more and more distraught about the car accident, having frequent nightmares and insomnia, and was torn between loving me and resenting me. Whilst I was away on holiday, he went to a party and ended up kissing a girl there. The next day, the two of them went for a day out together followed by a pub crawl and then continued texting and talking on Facebook for the remainder of the time I was away. He came clean as soon as I returned and explained why he had done it, though I don't think he truly regretted it until he saw how much he had upset me. I was so shocked and hurt at the way he had behaved - and whilst I can understand and sympathise with his reasons, it doesn't make the betrayal any easier. I said to him that I no longer wanted us to be together as a couple, but that I wasn't going to 'abandon' him and wanted to still be his best friend and look after him during this really difficult period.That was 5 weeks ago and romantically speaking, I do not feel anything towards him at the moment. I do not want to kiss, cuddle or do anything couple-y. Part of me feels like this relationship is a bit too broken to fix and that, as heartbreaking as it is, it might be time for us to move on. However, I am increasingly concerned about him - he has frequent break downs, he is withdrawn, he's still having nightmares and panics every time he's in a car. I think that he may have a real mental problem and seeing him so broken and vulnerable just reinforces how much and how deeply I care about him and want to help. I don't know whether my romantic feelings will eventually return in time and we might be able to try again or whether this is it. I'm terrified of throwing away something which has been so great but I also don't want to cling on to something that is irreparable. In particular, I don't want to give him any false hope when he is feeling so vulnerable - he keeps saying he's going to sort himself out and then try to win me back and so I feel like I need to make a decision about us and fast. I don't want to be his girlfriend right now, but neither do I want to be with anyone else - what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): I think sometimes it's best to give that person space. Make sure he has someone to look after him like family. Then move on, hanging around him will make this so much more difficult for him
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