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I'm seeing a married man and don't know how to handle things

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2012) 15 Answers - (Newest, 11 July 2012)
A female United States age 26-29, *ht1988 writes:

I'm in a tough situation. I'm seeing a married man. I've known him since I was around 14 years old, I've also been in love with him since the day we met. We had a fling back in high school. After high school, I took off and left the state. He stayed here and ended up getting married two years ago. We have been talking again for the past year. We just recently started talking more and more. He says he's not happy with his marriage, and I believe him because I've known him for so long. He says the only thing is wife does is yell at him and complain. He doesn't like it because she hasn't working for over a year now... And He's away working 5-6 days a week and is only home on the weekends. I've been going to where he's working and spending a night with him every once and a while. We have fun just like we did back in high school. I have no idea how to handle any of this.... So PLEASE help me!!

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A female reader, tht1988 United States +, writes (11 July 2012):

tht1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just an update on the whole situation. I've distanced myself from him. I pretty much told him I want nothing to do with him until he is officially divorced. I haven't talked to him in over a week. I feel much better about myself. Thank you for the advice everyone.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (30 June 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntYou are not having sex with him, but you are still "seeing" him, so he is cheating. He is stepping out on his wife. Also, you may have heard his wife yell at him, but are you naive enough to think that their relationship probems are all due to her? I highly doubt that is the case. In fact, he is being disrespectful and tacky telling you about his marriage issues even if there are problems. Maybe she yells at him for a reason. You came here saying you were in a tough situation and you had no idea how to handle any of this. I am not trying to be nasty, but if you are just going to tell us that everything is fine, he really isn't cheating, you're just best friends, and you're not emotionally involved, then why ask the question? The fact is, he is cheating, he is still married, and you have a good reasons to question your relationship with him. I hope he is being honest with you about the divorce, but I also hope you are not naive enough to believe that his relationship problems are all due to his wife. An emotional affair is just as bad if not worse than a sexual affair. It is not as if you just slept together a couple of times and now don't see each other. You see each other repeatedly, you set up times to go visit, you discuss the future. Yes, that is definitely cheating.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom + , writes (29 June 2012):

oldbag agony auntOh well

If you've seen the papers and he IS getting divorced then its no wonder his wife,who only sees him at the weekend, gets angry. Especially if she knows about your visits. They are newly married and he hasn't given the marriage a chance.

As she isnt working its a shame SHE can't join him in the week, share his hotel room.Give them a chance to see if they can't reconcile before they give up.But there again he's no prize and judging by his behaviour no sensible woman would want him.

Step away until the divorce is completely final or his wife may blame you and name you as the 'other woman'

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (29 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOk so he’s getting a divorce and his wife is an evil thing. If he’s still living with her how in the world has he filed for the divorce. In many states you have to live apart…

And that doesn’t answer my question… does he tell his wife he’s seeing you? Does she know? If not are you ok with the fact that he can lie to her face to face? Do you realize that if he lies to her he may lie to you?

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A female reader, tht1988 United States +, writes (29 June 2012):

tht1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess I should have made it clear in the beginning. I'm not having sex with him. When I go spend time we him we just go out to the bars or find something else to do. I normally get my own hotel room when I do visit him. I don't see that as cheating on his part. To everyone that has said he is lying to me about how his wife treats him... I know he's not. I've seen how she treats him. I've known both of them for a long time. I've heard her yell at him when he wasn't kissing her ass. But the advice has helped. I'm going to take a step back and just continue to be friends. We've talked about it and understands why I'm doing it. We've always had a very weird relationship and it's always going to be like that. At the end of the day he's still my best friend and can tell him anything. He also told me that once the divorce is final we will have to see what happens. I know he's getting one because I've seen the papers.

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A female reader, tht1988 United States +, writes (29 June 2012):

tht1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess I should have made it clear in the beginning. I'm not having sex with him. When I go spend time we him we just go out to the bars or find something else to do. I normally get my own hotel room when I do visit him. I don't see that as cheating on his part. To everyone that has said he is lying to me about how his wife treats him... I know he's not. I've seen how she treats him. I've known both of them for a long time. I've heard her yell at him when he wasn't kissing her ass. But the advice has helped. I'm going to take a step back and just continue to be friends. We've talked about it and understands why I'm doing it. We've always had a very weird relationship and it's always going to be like that. At the end of the day he's still my best friend and can tell him anything. He also told me that once the divorce is final we will have to see what happens. I know he's getting one because I've seen the papers.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (27 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhat do you want help with handling?

Do you want help in how to continue helping him cheat and lie to his wife?

Do you want help with how to end what is a BAD situation?

Do you want help in figuring out why you think it’s ok to sleep with a married man?

Do you want help in figuring out why you think justifications make it alright?

Do you want help in figuring out how to tell the wife that her husband is a lying cheating piece of work?

Of course he tells you he’s not happy… if he said he was happy what would you want to do?

OH and if he leaves his wife and you two become a couple will you ever trust him when he’s out of your sight? I mean he’s cheating on his wife, how do you know that when he’s not with you that he’s not got a third bit on the side??? You DON’T…

While I think that the single person having an affair with a married person is LESS culpable than the married cheater.. they are an accessory to the “crime” and should deal with their own behavior.

Basically you are telling him that you accept and condone cheating and lying. That means if you two end up together you must let him have an affair on you since you accept that behavior from him now.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntOne born every minute...hey OP, I have bridge for sale, you interested?

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A female reader, G's_Girl Portugal +, writes (27 June 2012):

G's_Girl agony auntDear tht1988,

Sorry you're in this tough situation.

Sadly, he is not the man for you, even if you have had feelings for him since you were 14. If it was mutual, he would have waited for you when you left the state, or pursued you. Instead, he pursued someone else, and she must have been special enough because he MARRIED her.

Whether he is happy or not in his marriage is irrelevant. The fact remains that he is unavailable and can only give you bits of his time and attention. You deserve way better than that! Please don't sell yourself short by going to visit him at work and spending a night once in a while. It may be comforting, exciting and fun, but it's temporary and you are left with all the guilt feelings, and feeling less than you should. He should honour you by treating you better, the friend that he has known for so long. Instead he shares his complaints with you, whether they are valid or not, and then gives you a piece of the pie without giving you himself fully. On birthdays, special occassions, Christmas - he will be with his wife, his FAMILY, while you will be alone without him. That is so unfair to you, which is why I say, you deserve so much better.

So hold your head high, and set your standards higher. Stay his friend, but don't go and see him alone at work. Don't give him free bits on the side. He made those vows, let him honour them by respecting his wife and working on his marriage, instead of bringing a third innocent party into it, thereby complicating things for everyone, and hurting everyone in the process.

Find something else that is exciting besides him ;-) you can do it!!! Something simple like a library book (do I hear you laughing) or something wild like skydiving!!! Find thrills in life, away from this man who will end up hurting you.

Be the Independent Girl who left the State to pursue her dreams! Don't let this roadblock of an old flame hamper your progress in life. Also, while you are emotionally tied to him, you are not free looking for real love. So, focus on your dreams, your career and get busy. Join new projects, new hobbies, interests, things that you are passionate about, so you make lots of new friends that you can spend time with, instead of this married man who gives you the crumbs. You will be happier, and feel better about yourself, and be at PEACE. Never forget, you too will be married one day, how would you feel if it was your husband? Treat others as you would have them treat you. Cut ties with him, move on, and focus on YOUR LIFE.

There are great things out there for you, including true love with a single young man meant just for you. Be patient, be true, hold out for it and don't settle for second best.

Wishing you much joy!

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A female reader, 057 Australia +, writes (27 June 2012):

Bottom line - thats not cool at all.

Lets hope when you get married that your man isnt seeing some woman on the side.

Perhaps his wife is yelling at him all the time because hes a cheating liar!

How disgusting to make a mockery of marriage like that.

Handle it in the way youd appriciate it to be handled if it was YOUR husband with another woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012):

I can't believe people still fall for that line. Of course he's going to tell you how bad his marriage is, otherwise you'd see him for what he is straight away...

Listen sweetheart I know that you are trying to justify his actions but at the end of the day why would you want to be with someone that's a lying cheater? If he had any balls or moral values he would have divorced his wife and then started dating you.

Leave him now and count yourself lucky that you didn't waste years on him.

Once a cheater always a cheater

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom + , writes (27 June 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

He's been married 2 years, how would you feel if YOUR new husband was cheating and bad-mouthing you to his bit on the side ?

How do you handle it? You stop it, you forget him. He is not free.He is not unhappy.His wife is probably a great lady. Hes just a lying scumbag who is using you.

Get out and meet other men, available ones, your young so dont waste the best years waiting for him.If you do you WILL regret it.

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony auntI'm not sure exactly what it is that you're wanting help with. Are you wanting him to leave his wife for you? Are you having feelings of guilt because you are contributing to the breakdown of someone else's family.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, and it's probably going to piss you off, but I'm going to give this to you, straight up. You're justifying the affair by saying he's unhappy in his marriage. Of course he is going to lead you to believe that. ALL married men, who are having affairs, play the "poor poor pitiful me, my marriage so miserable" card, it's how they gain sympathy from their mistress. He's making you think you're saving him from his unhappy marriage. You only have one side of the story, HIS.

Let's say he does leave his wife for you, the only ting you will have won is a class A cheater. A man who found it easy to throw his wedding vows out the window, and cheat on his wife as soon as a "better" thing came a long?

What makes you think he wont do the same thing to you, when something better then you comes a long? I had this same conversation with a friend of mine who's married lover was leaving his wife for her. I asked her the same question I just asked you, and her exact words were "he LOVES me, he would never cheat on me". Guess what? Two years laster he was kicking her out the door for a new woman.

You trying to relive a high school romance, and you're not in high school anymore. If this man was "the one" for you, then he wouldn't be married to someone else. If you REALLY want to pursue a relationship with this man, then cut all ties with him until he gets a divorce.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI went through this myself, so I can speak from experience. My married guy told me the exact same things yours is telling you...unhappy with wife, he's the hardworker, etc. He was very sweet, understanding, and attentive until he worked things out with his wife. Then, he became non-existent. These situations rarely, if ever, work out. I have heard of a few that do. They don't work out because he's married, he is already committed to someone, and he hasn't gotten divorced. If he was that unhappy, he would find a way to get a divorce or fix the situation, not make things worse by having an affair. After I became emotionally attached is when my guy decided to go back to his wife. I knew it could and probably would happen, but that fact did not help me emotionally because I was in love with him. My advice would be to understand the full consequences of what you are doing and start limiting your communication and time with him. If you are not going to do that, be aware that when he cancels time with you because things come up with his family or decides to work on the relationship with his wife, you will hurt and it will be devastating. I am sorry to be so gloomy, but these situations rarely work out.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (27 June 2012):

person12345 agony auntEvery married person who cheats on their spouse ever spoon feeds their mistress the exact same line this guy is, that their spouse is mean and they always fight and they're so unhappy and they don't have sex anymore and they're being neglected etc... etc... It's pretty much never true. Because if it was, he'd leave her for you. Right now you're just his booty call on the side while he cheats on his wife who is likely a lovely person and a lovely wife. Sorry but you're being played AND you're ruining someone's life. You need to end this.

Whatever excuses he's giving you as to why he can't leave his wife are almost certainly lies. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. End of story. Think about his wife here too. He knows if he told you that she's actually a very nice person you would feel too guilty to go through with this. But I'm guessing she's not an evil shrew like he makes her out to be, or he wouldn't still be with her.

I know it's sometimes hard to see through the haze of love, but you are being played and you are devastating his wife. You need to end it, it will never go anywhere except straight to heartbreak for absolutely everyone. If you want to be with him, then tell him he needs to choose you or her, he can't have both.

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