A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 42 (will be 43 next April) and childless. My marriage failed 3 years ago as my ex husband was abusive - I deliberately did not have children with him because of it but held out way too long for things to change (10 years). Anyway - I met a man 6 months ago who seemed great but it hasn't worked out for many reasons. So I find myself once again alone. I think I am in denial that I am in this situation as I always imagined I would have a family. I start dreading Christmas already because my life seems so sad and incomplete and couples and family are everywhere I look. I have recently had some hormone tests and discovered my levels are starting to fall - potentially I am in peri-menopause. I am in some kind of numb state - trying to come to terms with not ever having children but not wanting to give up completely. I really need some advice on how to cope with all this?
View related questions:
christmas, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): I am the OP. Just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time in replying with their wisdom and perspective - it has certainly helped me consider that I have options rather than a dead end. Also, that because I do not have a close relationship with a partner that is really important to me to find the right person and not to just be desperate to be with anyone - whether or not children were part of that. Thank you again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 August 2014):
 I have a good friend who hadn't found "the one" by the time she was 39 and she decided she didn't NEED "the one" to have a child. She went to her doctor and talked it over then she went to a sperm bank and picked out a donor.
She now has a happy 5 year old daughter, she met "the one" last year, turns out he is infertile due to childhood cancer treatments. He was delighted that he STILL got to have a child and a family.
If you can afford to raise a child and can HANDLE to raise one, possibly on your own THAT is always an option.
I agree with Cerberus and the thought if pregnancy/birth - I sometimes think I must have been SERIOUSLY deranged for having gone through that 3 times. But then I look at my brats and I'm OK again :)
Adoption might be another option.
Though I have to say having a child to NOT be alone is not something, I think, is a smart choice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): You could have your eggs frozen and when you find the right man get a surrogate to carry your child. So biologically you and your partner are the parents.
There are other options that have been suggested, you decide how badly a biological kid means to you and you are capable of doing what it takes to get it.
I believe if you want something badly enough go out and make it happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 OP society has somehow nailed a timeline into all of us. Get married at the "right age" and push out a couple of kids soon after. Everything else follows suit but a woman is made to feel inadequate if (a) she doesn't have a man in her life and (b) she doesn't get to be a mother.
Personally, I think its way too over-rated. I'm 31 and I have a PhD. I teach at a University. I'm happy with the way I am and I don't need a man or biological children to validate that. I have never been too fond of children in any case and even if I were to get married and NOT have kids, I would see that as the way things were meant to be. I don't think the "maternal instinct" that is so talked about is limited to just your own children; you can love animals just as much. I loved my dog more than I can ever love my own child. I have still not been able to process her loss. In time, when I'm ready, I will get a little puppy and give her more love than is possible to imagine. I know I have that capacity.
OP that's what love is. It doesn't have to be love towards someone you've birthed, it can be love towards anyone...whether a pet or an orphan child who's waiting to be taken home by a loving parent. There are so many small children out there, who, through no mistake of their own, have been left to wait. Wait to live, wait do die, wait for an absolution that will never come. If you really want to be a mother that badly, then you will never discriminate and will look at adoption as an option.
Would you rather go to a sperm-bank and get impregnated with a stranger's sperm and carry the baby with you for 9 months, all alone, with no help from anyone? Or would you rather bring home a child who needs a happy home?
OP there can be nothing more noble than giving a child or a pet a loving home where they grow and blossom. Why does it have to be a biological child? Believe me, once you accept that the child is yours, you will never feel that it is someone's else's child. You will love it more than you've loved anyone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): While there are so many more risks to a woman your age having a child if everything is okay medically and you have the means to support a child then why not head down to a sperm bank?
I don't know anything about menopause so you'd have to discuss with a doctor whether it's too late and get your full range of options but a family doesn't have to include a man when the clock is running out on having time to even build to that with someone.
My wife and I want kids at some stage, me sooner than her but to us they don't have to be biological. If either of us couldn't produce them we'd have no problem adopting. That option is open to you too, if not a very tough option being a single woman etc.
I can't say I can speak for a woman who has never had a kid, I'm a man and it's a bit different for us.
Frankly I'm glad I'm not the one who has to gestate these human tumours for 9 months before having them rip my privates to shreds, while being drenched in my own waste fluids and vomit in a room full of people, after 12-72 hours of aches punctuated with debilitating cramps, my belly never return to its original shape and have months of hormones ravage me mentally with the possibility of hitting me so badly I get severe PND. Frankly I'll never understand how a person feels they're missing out not going through that.
I have however seen the emptiness of some older women who couldn't have kids or waited too long. But it makes no sense in this day and age.
The range of options are endless in terms of surrogates, sperm banks, IVF, adoption, fostering, a relationship with a person who already has kids/becoming a step parent and personally if I couldn't afford any of those I'd be happy with just my dogs.
OP it's not too late and so what if you can't experience the personal massacre that is the "miracle of birth". Someone else can have it for you, or already has. Every child needs a parent, some don't have anyone. Adoption can be a beautiful symbiosis of people who need each other and the bond can be just as strong as the biological one. I don't see the difference really, except you might get one smarter, taller, stronger than any combination of your genes with any partner.
People say it's not the same and I'll never get why. Does a child have to look like you for you to love it and raise it as best you can?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): It seems children are important to you, and that's understandable. They do bring joy to your life (in addition to a lot of stress...). I think that if you do end up having or adopting children, it should not define you. The same logic applies if you end up not having children. Society has raised us to believe there are 'steps' in life to follow. To me, that makes no sense as nothing in life is permanent or immortal (sorry for my philosophical rant). I know several women who have children say that they could have chosen not to marry and not have children and they would have been just as happy as they are being married with children. Bottom line, don't define your existence and your holidays by children. My 40 year old sister never got married and doesn't have children and she seems just fine. Perhaps you can also find another way of being touch with your maternal instinct by making monthly donations to a charity to help a hungry child somewhere in the world and know that you are making your mark in society somewhere. Maybe that is what is that core of what you are feeling (although I could be completely wrong). There are so many ways to experience happiness in the world, and having children is just one of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): Don't loose hope in any option, child of your own,adoption,step children,nursing children,or simply living a full and happy life without children.
Of course it is our natural instinct to feel we should have children, I don't need to explain this to you however it does not mean our life is null and void if we don't have children.
Your emptiness could be needing to express 'love' this can be done in many ways especially in the empty places that lack love, the orphans who are never picked up out of their cots. There are many places in this world that need a 'mother's love', our hospitals, our schools, our ageing communities.
You have no need to feel lonley or empty 'this is only your perception of what you BELIEVE you should feel like.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): You can always adopt. Many men have children past your age. It doesn't mean you have to go without. Men don't give birth yet they have kids when they're older. So can you.
...............................
|
