A
female
age
36-40,
*a petite belle
writes:Hi, I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 9 months. I really like him when we are alone, I feel like we see things similarly, we have similar opinions about things, we have the same taste in things, similar humor and sometimes he says things that I am thinking, we are both 28. Both of our families have met and his mom really likes me, she asks me to hang out with her too. We both have talked about marriage, I think that he would make a great father and I like him. The only issue here is his 23 yr old roomate/best friend. We took a break last month because he had starting to ditch me to hang out with his roommate, he neglected me and was starting to not tell me when he was off and instead getting drunk with his friends and some of their girl-friends while I was thinking he was at work. He would go out with his friends whenever he could and he would only see me for 1-2 hrs. I caught him in several half truths that I told him that eroded my trust, he asked me to get back and I told him that my only condition was to attend therapy/life coaching, he said that he was not a fan but he would give it a try because I asked him to. I saw his attitude changed, he pays more attention to me, he schedules to see me more often, we have had more time together this month and this past memorial we met up in las Vegas (he hung out there with his friends Saturday-Monday). His whole crew and this so-called roommate was there, he was more attentive but he reverted back to ignoring me for stints and even when I asked him several times to please re-arrange seats in the plane back so we could sit together, he said he would but he never attempted and when boarding time came, he flat out sat next to his friends and I ended up sitting by myself a few rows down form them while hearing them laugh about their weekend. My question is that sometimes I question the relationship because of this, he is extremely close to this 23 yr old roomate who is into sleeping with several women, drinking til passing out and I think sometimes this roomate does things with my boyfriend that he knows will make me mad at him just so we fight... Idk but I got this weird vibe from him yesterday when I asked him to stop playing a particular video of their trip and he kept playing it over and over, it was a video of my boyfriend dancing with a go-go girl (he was being funny but still)... Why do I still question the relationship? Will I always feel like this? Am I too hung up on things? Am I too touchy-feely? ... Im scared that if we don't move in together, his roomate is already planning on renting a house with him and he already said "when we move to this house, we are going to have massive parties"...
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a break, at work, drunk, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2016):
 I am not sure if there is some delay here :) but I answered the mail you sent me with the same question. IF you didn't get it I can copy it onto the thread.
A
female
reader, la petite belle +, writes (3 June 2016):
la petite belle is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi honeypie,
Thank you for replying... I guess I am wondering, if he was "off the hook" when I asked for the break, why did he have to pursue me again? why did he end up goign to therapy with me? wouldn't it just be much easier to be like "whatever, you are right, this relationship thing is too much work... see ya".. I mean he was off the hook already
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2016):
I think the problem is that YOU want him to change, HE doesn't. Yes, he did the life-coaching thing (for you) not to change but to shut you up.
I think you HAVE to accept that HE isn't ready for the kind of serious relationship YOU are. Talking marriage means nothing. Talk is cheap.
His words (promises) and his actions (what he actually DO) are not a match. He know that he can temporarily placate you with words, so he uses his gift of the gap. And SO far... you HAVE sucked it up, because you think he will change. That IF he loves you he will be the man you WANT him to be, the man you *think* he can be. But what if? HE doesn't want to BE that man? What then?
As for the room-mate? My guess is he is jealous of what you two have and he is also VERY immature. He gets a HUGE kick out of being disrespectful to you.. and your BF ignores it. So guess what? Your BF is "silently" agreeing with the room-mate.
Like the saying goes... ACTIONS speaks louder than words.
I'm sorry to say, I think you are wasting your time dating a guy for his potential. You are ignoring the red flags, the things that he does in an almost passive-aggressive manner. Like with the plane seating. He resents you telling him WHAT to do, so he "rebels". Which to me shows that he feels controlled and that he honestly... isn't that serious about you. He could have had the NUTS to tell you that he wasn't going to change the seats, instead he placated you and did whatever he wanted instead (which was sit with his room-mate).
I think you need to re-evaluate if THIS (the COMPLETE package) is a guy you want to be with long term. You didn't start dating a piece of clay that YOU can mold how you see fit. So you either TAKE him for who he is, OR... find someone who will respect you and treat you as you want to be treated.
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