A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I don't know what to do. Please read the whole question before cursing me and telling me what an idiot I am. You can do that after you've read the question.Well, I am not attracted to my girlfriend's body. We've been together for several months. She is great and I care for her a lot. She is pretty but slightly overweight. However it is enough to make her body unattractive to me. I guess it's my fault because I'm naturally very athletic and active person (no exercise and junk food periods don't change that, I seem to be unable not to be fit) and I guess I expect my girlfriend to be the same, so anything heavier than athletic seems unattractive.We still have sex nearly every day and I find her very pretty. Her beautiful face and the things we do seem to be enough to make me want to sleep with her all the time. However, I can't make myself like her body.I know if she became fit she would be the sexiest woman on earth for me. I know that I would love to spend the rest of my life with her (sounds stupid when just discussing weight but everything else in her seems to sum up in a great smart crazy mess of a woman). However, in the state she is now, she excites me less than any random fit girl with pretty face.The thing is she's actually doing exercises, goes to the gym but there is no effect whatsoever. What I've seen makes me believe she probably never will get fit. She does exercises because she knows it is important to me but she isn't really into it and her love for food kills any benefit from the exercises (she doesn't stuff herself but gains weight very easily).Also, for her I'm perfect and she loves me. I care greatly for her but thinking all these things I already wrote tells me that I don't love her. I'm pretty sure that I would fall in love if I see her as perfect and I believe that would happen if she's fit.My question is what do you think should I do? One of the following or something else?:Should I tell her that I want future together but my understanding that my partner should be as fit as me won't go away. And that probably one day I will stop being attracted to her unless she becomes and stays fit as health and age allow? All of this is true.Or should I save her the humiliation of criticizing her body, try to guide her into getting fit and hope that she will, then she wouldn't lose shape by the time her body appearance still matters for me? This one seems very immature. No honesty, whatsoever, and would just continue a relationship that one day will probably end.Or should I save her the criticism of her body, give up the idea that she will ever be fit and let my attraction to her in general die, which I'm sure it will?Or maybe I should realize that I'm an idiot for starting a relationship with a girl I don't see as perfect, stop wasting her time and leave the girl as painlessly as possible, so she would find somebody who loves her just the way she is?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 Since you've already started with the relationship, all you can now do is let go of her WITHOUT making her feel bad for the way she is. Its very easy to hurt someone and its really not her fault that she doesn't fit into your mental ideal.
Keep in mind though that this is a very shallow reason to NOT find someone attractive. You might just end up losing someone wonderful just because of your fitness craze. If you really love someone, their physical imperfections would be the last thing that you would care about. You probably dont even love her as much as you think as you do, in the first place, so its best for her that you let go of her.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 Why not go with her to the gym. For all you know, she's just going shopping and telling you she's exercising. Plus wouldn't it be more fun to go together? In fact why not start doing other physical things together and if you're worried about her eating habits, why not offer to start cooking a few nights a week, and show her low fat recipes that taste good. Maybe the light will go on in her head. Give it 6 months at least and be patient. Weight loss doesn't come easy for women but if she's never been very active she may get quicker results by just doing something consistantly active with her sweetie by her side to bolster and encourage her. After six months, if she hasn't changed her eating habits, does not appear to be sticking with an exercise program, or makes realy no effort to be healthy, it will be time for you to say good bye.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): In a way I do understand what you are saying because looks are important. I know most people will sit there and say that they aren't; but they really are.If you are not attracted to someone and it is getting in the way of your relationship,then the relationship is doomed. I'd say end it because the problem is not going to get better if her weight doesn't decrease, because the attraction still would not be there.At the end of the day it is probably best to end it before the problem gets worse. Shallow, maybe, but if it isn't working, it isn't working.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Fit does not mean athletic. Not all the time.It's time to broaden your horizons and grow the hell up. Women are best if they have curves. Like Salma Hayek or Monica Bellucci or Christina Hendricks.They don't have to have big boobs. But too many muscles on a woman is just wrong-looking. Women are meant to be silky and smooth.Hell look at Sasha Grey, she is my idea of the perfect female body.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (20 March 2011):
Man, she is SLIGHTLY overweight, not even unhealthy!! I bet she's active, fun and all. I would totally date this girl, and I bet most men would. Leave her, because it seems you don't value her traits as much as some men would. Tell her how nice she is, and wish her good luck and all when you two break up. She deserves a wonderful prince.You will regret having done this someday, but I am sure this way it will hurt both of you as little as possible. I would give up looks for deepness. She sounds like a wonderful person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): this girl obviously thinks the world of you and what do you say in return, so what if she is a little overweight, i am not exactly stick thin but my athletic boyfriend loves me the way i am, choose what you want but stop stringing her along if it is going to end in nothing...she's worth more. i'm not trying to have a go it's just if you fell in love with her, it shouldn't really bother you. try seeing the best in her but don't just tell her you don't like her the way she is because if she loves you as much as you say she does she will lose any self confidence (i did from a messy break up) so either try and see the best in her or if you really can't leave her but clear it out with her because you seem like you care about her and love her, good luck.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 March 2011):
Can I ask why you hit it off with her in the first place? Did you expect once you two hooked up for her to become trim and slim? Or is it simply that what you didn't notice in the 'honeymoon phase' of the relationship is showing up now? I can understand your view, as mine is similar. Being fit myself I kind of expect a bf to have the same active mentality. BUT because I didn't start out that way (I was pretty big and lazy as a young teen) I'm careful to judge people who don't meet that standard. For me, the physical fitness showcases a personality trait: that of someone who is dedicated to staying healthy and likes being active. This rather than just something to please my eyes. I know people who are a bit chunkier but bursting with energy and always doing stuff. Because of their fun personality and the click I have, it's just as easy for me to fall for them as to fall for someone who looks better physically. If your desire for a slim woman is because you attribute that to someone with similar interests as you, you should give it another chance and realize she's doing all she can do and just isn't as gifted in the metabolic rate department as you are. If your desire for a slim woman has a shallow reason (pleasing your eyes) I would break it off with her and do some soul searching. When you're young beauty is everywhere. When you get older, it vanishes and if you don't have a beautiful personality to compensate it with, you're screwed.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (19 March 2011):
 I Pick option E) Something Else.Get your head straight. You need a fresh perspective. You are so busy looking for a tree that you don't realize that you are in the forest. Stop thinking that you aren't attracted to her. You are. Stop thinking that she isn't perfect for you. She is. Aside from the fact that you are crazy about her, because she is wonderful,She is going out of her way to make you happy. And What are you doing to make yourself better for her?Turn your thoughts out for a while. Stop trying to change her. 1) you can't. 2) you won't like what she becomes. Focus on giving her the best you that you can be. FA
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (19 March 2011):
Let this poor girl go, and don't criticize her body in doing so. Good luck looking for that "perfect" body. Once you find her (over and over again), it will slowly sink in that real relationships are based on a lot more than looks alone.
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A
female
reader, elizabeth1986  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Hi,I agree with dmartin89, but I'd say don't be so hard on yourself. If you're passionate about health and fitness there's nothing wrong with that. For her health it would benefit her to be healthy and it's your natural instinct to be attracted to somebody who is classed as healthy to you, for having children etc. It's good to have fitness in common too, as a hobby or similar interest. But you've basically answered your own questions, you know it's not right, just go about it nicely. My ex was diabetic and he became majorly overweight and lived an awful lifestyle, abusing his body, his health and his illness and I was petrified we'd have children one day and he'd die very young and I'd be left alone, and I became unattracted to him because of his weight, so I ended it. I know i did the right thing. This is a more extreme circumstance but I know how you feel. Sometimes it's just not right
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 I would say take the last option.You are wasting both your times being in this relationship. Why be with her when you are already planning the end. And don't tell her you don't love her because she isn't athletic, this is how girls get eating disorders and become severely depressed. Tell her that you just don't feel the same way anymore, the excitement has gone, in this case a kind lie the best. I'm not going to criticize you about how shallow and self-centered you are, but I will ask you to think more about what you really want in a girl. Maybe just stay out of relationships until you've grown up a bit and know yourself more.
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A
female
reader, AllRiledUp010 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 At first, I was going to tell you that you should motivate her. Introduce her to your method of staying fit. Sign her up for special diet plans, and exercise with her. But as I read farther along, I realized that it's best for you to leave her. Don't dramatize anything. For example, no "I can't be with you because you're overweight." No, no. The best thing to do is sit down and talk to her nicely. Tell her you love her, but you feel that you can't give her all of the love she deserves. You have your own desires, and possibly it was a mistake to start a relationship. Find someone who fits your standards, and she'll find someone who loves her for what she looks like and who she is inside. Just an inside thing from me, it shouldn't matter what she looks like. It's never about the Hollywood body, but do what you think is easiest. If she feels strongly enough, she'll change herself, but now it is fair to split with her. If she really wanted to please you and make you content, she would have put the food down a while ago.
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