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I'm married and have a strong emotional attachment to a co-worker. How do I get out of this mess?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 January 2011) 14 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2014)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I apologize in advance for the length and breadth of this posting, as it's going to be quite a novel. I've been going through a self-inflicted emotional turmoil for about two years or so now and I've not shared it with anyone close to me because I'm too ashamed and too afraid of my secret being known. This is my only outlet, so it's going to be like a dam breaking.

I am a married woman, but for the past two years I've been very strongly emotionally attached to a coworker and friend of mine, and I don't know what to do about this.

I met this coworker shortly after he joined the company roughly 3 years ago. He actually introduced himself to me and somehow through idle chit-chat we became fairly good friends, talking together about all sorts of things. Even though we never had any need to work together (completely different departments) he would still stop by my office to chat fairly often. I've found him physically attractive from the first moment that I met him, but he mentioned right away that he was married and had children, and since I was married as well I didn't dwell much on it. He was just a guy at work that I was friendly with, who was also fun to check out. Things started to get more complicated for me once my marriage started to go a bit sour.

I had never been the sort of person who wanted to get married until I met my husband, I really thought that I had met someone whom I could spend the rest of my life with. In hindsight, I should have waited until we'd been together longer before committing to marriage. We're very different people, and want very different things from life, and the longer the marriage goes on, the more I worry that maybe I made a mistake in marrying him.

We went to marriage counseling, and it helped with some things, but it did nothing to remove the nagging doubts that are always in my head, wondering if I made the wrong decision in getting married. My husband isn't a bad man, he's actually a very good man, but I worry that the differences between the two of us are just too great for a happy lifetime together to be plausible.

During the time when my marriage was at its worst, I started to grow very emotionally attached to my coworker. I completely recognized that I was feeling that way towards him because I was getting emotional responses from him that I was missing from my husband, but even though I recognized it, it did little to stop the attachment from happening. My husband never seemed happy to see me and spend time with me, my coworker seemed to seek me out and so happy to be interacting with me. After I first met my husband, I never felt romantic feelings towards another man, and I never imagined that I would, but this coworker changed all of that.

At one point my company divided up the staff between different buildings and my coworker and I were to be separated. I was devastated, and figured that our friendship would fizzle out afterward. To my surprise, he began asking me to have lunch out with him and it became a weekly or biweekly thing as long as he had the free time. My husband knows about these lunches that we take together, and they don't seem to phase him in the slightest, to him me and my coworker are just friends. Luckily I apparently do a good job of hiding the way I truly feel.

Our lunch "dates" and conversations have never been improper, we talk about our spouses, his children, there's never any overt flirtation between the two of us. In my heart I desperately long to be closer to him but I keep it entirely in check because more than anything I do not wish to do anything to ruin his life and to harm the happiness that he has with his family. As far as I know, he feels only friendship towards me, but I do think that he values my friendship a great deal as he's said that he talks to me about things that he doesn't talk about with anyone else. I also realize that you don't go out of your way to have lunch every week with a coworker you ordinarily wouldn't see at all unless you value their company.

I know that maintaining this friendship with him is harmful, and I contemplate ending the friendship all the time. I will make it a point to not contact him myself, and I will hope that maybe he's bored of conversations with me and won't ask me to lunch again, but invariably he invites me out again and I just find that I can't say no because I so enjoy spending time with him even though I'm in complete emotional turmoil because of my deeper feelings for him.

I've contemplated telling him that we shouldn't do the lunches anymore, but I feel like since we are such good friends that I would owe him an explanation as-to why, and I feel like it would be unfair to make up a lie to tell him, but I think it would be equally unfair to burden him with the truth of the feelings I have for him. I sort of feel stuck with continuing the friendship in the same way that it's been going for the last nearly two years and that to attempt to cut him from my life completely would cause more problems than it would solve. We're too close for me to just cut him off, he would be hurt and wonder what happened. I have gone a month or so without seeing him at all and that made me even more of an emotional mess.

Of course all these messy feelings I have bottled up inside of me aren't helping my already troubled marriage and I realize this. At times I feel like the marriage is hopeless and I feel like I need to take the steps to end it. At other times I feel like maybe I can make it work if I try hard enough. I'm never sure which is the right answer.

My question is, what on earth should I do with this mess that I've gotten myself into? I can't stop myself from thinking of my coworker, it's been two years, so the passing of time doesn't seem to be easing me out of these feelings for him. I don't want to hurt him in any way, but I also don't want to hurt my husband, who unfortunately married a stupid girl who should have followed her gut instincts and never gotten married to anyone. I have no one to talk to about this because I'm so ashamed to have these feelings for a man who is married with a family, and I don't trust anyone enough to keep it a secret from my husband.

I wish I could flip a switch and just shut off these feelings I have for my coworker, but human emotions do not work that way. I don't even put my coworker up on a pedestal, there are many things about him that irritate me, he can be a bit sexist at times, and judgmental, but all the same there is just something about him that just dazzles me, and the more I get to know about him, the more the feelings intensify.

Every day I berate myself for being so stupid for feeling this way, but it doesn't change the reality of the situation that I find myself in, and I just don't know what to do.

View related questions: at work, co-worker, flirt, married woman

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2014):

I find it funny that when I tried to criticize the co-worker I am attracted to, I'm married and he's in a relationship btw, it backfired because I find myself even more drawn to him and want to know every bit of something with him. It's torture, really.

Our interactions haven't been to the level that you have but I think your in a worse scenario than mine because you are both married. :(

This is what I am considering to help me make a decision and I may be close to an answer:

1. Will you be happier without your husband in your life from now on? Don't picture a life w/ the guy. It should be an issue between your husband and you. If yes, then maybe you should leave him. If you can be happy w/ him and accept his faults still, then stay. You have invested in this for so long.

2. Do you love your husband? Seems like an easy answer but it can be a loaded question. Love comes in different shape or form the question is are you happy about the kind of love that you two have and will you be at peace with it for the remaining years?

3. If the guy didn't care about you, would you still leave your husband? Or if he was out of the picture, would you still leave your husband?

4. Are you willing to start over and work at a NEW relationship again? All partners have their own faults etc. Imagine going through those phases again. Is it really worth it? Or is it worth all that for the sake of the love that you want in your life? Love is a feeling, marriage is a choice to love the person you chose as your partner in life.

5. Can you bear the consequence of leaving your husband? being labeled as "homewrecker" or "cheater" or something equally hurtful? It will need a lot of strength and willpower to overcome these burdens.

For me, if I leave my husband, the best way is to move to a different place and cut communication because it will hurt him more to be reminded of me and I care about him to give him the time to heal.

But if I stay, then I will do what it takes to avoid any further temptation eg. working in a company w/ just girls (if you're not bi, that is :P) or work from home.

But whatever you do, listen to your heart, mind and soul. Then Pray. I think it will give you peace and answer your deepest cry for help as to what I am trying to do.

I have figured out some of the answers to this but I am not ready to cut any connection with this co-worker yet because he has inspired me to believe in myself again and I feel like I'm in love again. I just hope I can control myself and not ruin my marriage before I decide if I should stay or leave. I agree what others say, that a healthy relationship can only begin if we end the old one first. Having especially a physical affair while married is going to be damaging for everyone involved. Emotional affair is harmful too but I think women can control this better, so be careful w/ your heart.

Best of luck to us both.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011):

Just focus on the things in your co-worker that irritate you. If you must, make up new scenarios in your mind that show him in an unflattering light. Do this to kill your attraction to him. tell yourself he's a jerk because he's married yet he's hanging out with a female co-worker. tell yourself he's a jerk because he's sexist (you yourself said he's sexist).

the best way to kill attraction - like what happens in most marriages! - is to focus on reality and let the little annoying things get to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011):

Get a divorce or do a trial separation with your husband. You'll probably feel a lot of relief.

And change jobs to end things with your co-worker.

You may want to take the plunge and do both actions at the same time which will be a tumultous few months or longer (but may also be totally cleansing and empowering in its own way), or you may want to do one first and get used to that, then do the other.

good luck!!

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A female reader, scythe Australia +, writes (21 January 2011):

scythe agony auntI would like to share a couple of my initial thoughts straight after reading your question:

You said you don't put your co-worker up on a pedestal... but it is so easy to do without realizing. Do you ever hypothetically imagine being married to him instead of your husband, and how much better that would be? In real life if you were married to your co-worker the lunch dates would eventually dry out as you see enough of each other at home. You become familiar and monotonous.

Since you've never shares these thoughts with anyone, it's possible that your concept of reality is slightly skewed. For example, we often hype things up in our minds only to be let down when the truth comes out (eg: your emotional relationship with your co-worker might not be so special to him for many reasons).

I've just read your response to the other comments here.

I'm glad you are under no illusion to ending up happily married to your co-worker. Perhaps the best advice I can give is to just enjoy the chats and lunches with him while it lasts - one day either of you will change jobs/location etc as all good things come to an end. In the mean time, I would suggest trying to make peace with your husband and gently talk about the issues you two are going through. In my experience men do not like to/do not know how to talk about these things so he might need coaxing and it might take some time. I can't remember if you have children together? Kids will complicate things but you still need to do something about your marriage.

Let us know how things go

x

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (21 January 2011):

You say you wish he would just get a different job so you dont' have to see him...why don't you be the one to get a different job, then?

I think it is possible to cut back on your friendship, you can make up work-related excuses such as saying your schedule has changed and you no longer can take lunch at this time or that time (when he's available), or you have just joined a gym that has classes during lunchtime, etc. You can do it gradually rather than abruptly so it seems more "natural" like life getting in the way.

Another thing is to not stop your lunches with him, but to invite other co-workers to these lunches so they are not one-on-one anymore. That will definitely change the dynamic. Again, you don't have to do this abruptly - as in suddenly EVERY lunch involves someone else - but gradually more and more often.

"His marriage is also in a much better state than mine, he'll occasionally complain about little things that his wife does that irritate him (very standard marital nit-picks), but he's given me no indication that they have any deep-seated relationship problems."

First off, as an outsider you can't always judge the quality of someone else's marriage (without direct input from them) because it all depends on how private this person is and how much of his personal life he is revealing, to you anyways. People - especially men, and especially those who are very private or self conscious by nature - don't often reveal to their friends if they are having serious marital problems because it's seen as an embarrassment or a social failure or a weakness to be feeling very upset in their personal life. Men in particular aren't supposed to really spend a lot of time talking about their relationships.

Anyway I digress....just saying that trying to judge how "good" someone else's marriage is, especially if this is someone that you have a forbidden attraction to, can open a can of worms if you are trying to make decisions based on that judgment. I mean, if you had the impression that your co-workers' marriage was "bad", would this change anything in your attitude toward him or what you should be doing with him? should it change anything? (I don't have an answer, just something to think about)

"We have been through a great deal of marriage counseling together, but it's been difficult and hasn't helped in the way I hoped it would."

I guess you could decide to keep on trying, with more counseling or with a different counselor. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right counselor who can really help you. it could be that your husband needs individual therapy in addition to marriage counseling. Or maybe you already have your answer what you need to do about your marriage...?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011):

Firstly, thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer me some advice.

To answer some questions, my marriage was at a fairly ok point when I first met my coworker, it wasn't until a few months later that things with my husband started to deteriorate. As I mentioned, I found my coworker attractive from the get-go and I laughed it off as nothing more than a workplace crush, but it was once I got to know him better over the years that the strong emotional connection began to grow.

The problems with my husband are a bit complicated. I had some alarm bells going off in my head when I first learned some things about my husband early on in our relationship, but I brushed them aside since I loved him and I figured that the love would carry us through any problems. I worry that my gut instinct may have been correct and I was wrong to ignore it. It's not anything sinister, just something that I immediately thought might cause problems down the road. We come from very different backgrounds as far as our relationship experience goes. I had a very typical youth in terms of having the usual experiences with relationships, my husband did not. In addition to that my husband is the sort of person who cuts himself off from all other people in his life. He isn't close to anyone but me, and he doesn't see this as a problem, but it's very emotionally exhausting for me, needing to be everything to him always, and feeling like it leaves me with little time to be with other people who matter in my life (friends & family). We have been through a great deal of marriage counseling together, but it's been difficult and hasn't helped in the way I hoped it would.

For the record, I am not laboring under the misapprehension that there is any chance of my winding up with my coworker in some sort of a relationship. He loves his children, and he loves his wife and I have no desire to ruin the life that he's made for himself with them. I have no desire to break up his marriage and ruin his family, which is why I make it a point to keep our interactions strictly friendly.

I honestly don't know if he feels anything for me beyond friendship. He's said that he usually doesn't like people, or that they usually don't like him, so it could just be that he doesn't often find people that he clicks with & so he's happy to maintain a friendship with someone he enjoys talking with. He's never done anything overt to imply to me that I'm anything beyond a friend to him. His marriage is also in a much better state than mine, he'll occasionally complain about little things that his wife does that irritate him (very standard marital nit-picks), but he's given me no indication that they have any deep-seated relationship problems. He seems happy with his family, and I have no intentions of wrecking that happiness.

Whether I want to end or continue my marriage is a point that I consider separate from my feelings for my coworker because I know that I am not thinking, "If I end my marriage there's a chance coworker and I could be together". This is not my train of thought, because as strong as my feelings are for my coworker, I value his happiness with his own life above my own emotional connection to him. The feelings are painful, but my head knows that it's just not worth it, and hurting him & his family is just not anything I want to do.

Several people have mentioned that I should cut my friend off, come up with excuses as-to why I can't see him, etc. I've considered this but since he and I are good friends it seems cold and I'm not sure if I could push myself to do it like that. I'm sure he would wonder why we went from having lunch together regularly to me suddenly clamming up and not wanting to see him anymore, what would I say if he asks what happened? I feel like telling him the truth is not the best option because I feel like burdening him with my feelings for him is really unfair. Whether he has any reciprocal feelings for me or not, I think it would be a lot for him to deal with to hear about my feelings for him.

Sometimes I find myself wishing he'd just go away, get another job and disappear from my life as suddenly as he came into it, it would make life a lot easier. It's tough enough trying to come to terms with the reservations I have about my marriage, never mind with this ridiculous emotional roller coaster ride I've put myself on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011):

I'm curious as to what came first...your introduction to your friend, or your faltering marriage. Many times the appearance of a special friend turns low level issues into big ones and accelerates the erosion of trust and love in a marriage.

I am just coming out of the fog of an emotional affair with a co-worker. It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I've never had to deal with anything more painful and difficult (and I've had a lot of heartache over the years). The cure for me was grabbing the bull by the horns and cutting my so called "friend" out of my life. I took advantage of a moment when things were not good between us to simply cut it off. Not easy, but do-able.

The first thing you need to get a grip on is the fact that you are married. So is your friend. In addition to damaging your marriage, you may very possibly be contributing to the demise of your friend's relationship with his wife. In my opinion, men don't hang out exclusively with one woman just for the hell of it. There is definitely something brewing between the two of you. And, the endgame can be disastrous for all involved.

The best advice I can give you is to end this connection and work on your marriage. You must've loved your husband when you married him. You sort of gloss over the differences between the two of you. Everyone is different. Can you imagine marrying someone just like yourself? Heck no. So, that you and your husband are different people is certainly no reason to end your marriage. Marriage takes work. it's a process. There are days when you're not all that in love with your spouse, and other times when you are head over heels about them. It's a process -- marriage. That's why it's called a commitment. Casting that aside simply to take up with any good looking guy who wants to spend time with you is a surefire recipe for an unstable love life.

To me, you sound bored. And, I get it that Mr. Letshavelunch is really exciting right now. I say right now, because Mr. Letshavelunch will become Mr. Justlikeeveryoneelse soon enough -- usually this realization hits after you've destroyed your life as you knew it.

Do not tell this guy how you feel. That will open up a world of hurt for you and a lot of other people that you just do not need. You really should minimize your contact with him. If he asks, just tell him that because the two of you are married you feel all the alone time is inappropriate. Yes, it will be hard. But, you will be doing the right thing. Just think of his poor wife at home with the kids thinking what a great husband she has, while he's off canoodling with you at one of your "lunches." It's really pretty crappy when you think of it. I was guilty of the same sort of thing, and I really beat myself up pretty bad over how I dissed my spouse by doing that sort of thing. This guy is not all that. If he has no problem spending alone time with you while he's married, he'll have no problem spending alone time with another woman if he ever somehow really got with you.

Time to put on your big-girl panties and deal with your marriage (without Mr. Letshavelunch's help). Minimize your contact. Better yet, cut it off. If you keep in contact with him, it will be that much more difficult for you. I wish you well.

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A female reader, Gail Brooks United Kingdom +, writes (20 January 2011):

I am sure that you would not feel the same about your friend (co-worker), if it were not for the fact that you feel dissatisfied in your marriage. When most people are in love, it is difficult to see an attraction elsewhere. I also suspect that it was the dissatisfaction with your husband that came first, and of course when a handsome man shows you attention at a time when you are ostensibly vulnerable it is natural to divert your emotions.

The important thing here is to deal with your marriage first. If you were to divorce or to stay in the marriage that can only be your decision but, it is a decision that you need to make separately from your liaison. By continuing to see your friend only manifests the situation and pulls you emotionally away from your marriage. I know that many people that have walked away from an affair (I call it an affair because of your emotions) and worked at the marriage have been very thankful that they made this decision in spite of their feelings at the time.

Embarking on an affair can feel very exciting and heighten your emotions which can make an affair irresistible! Unfortunately, this type of relationship is not based in the real world. In a marriage you have to deal with mundane things like "who is going to put the bins out?" Also, if you were to tell your friend about your feelings and he felt the same. It would nearly be impossible to not embark on a full blown affair. The next step is probably to break up two marriages. Having someone else's children coming to stay every other weekend can be fraught with problems in itself and can in some cases make a good relationship difficult.

So, once you have made a decision about your own marriage you will either be happy that you did not go down that slippery slope or feel free to date whoever you like. You may find that you are actually attracted to someone else that does not have the added baggage of a marriage. However, I will say there are some people who embark on an affair and end up together very happy. It is just important for you to know that it can be very difficult.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011):

I say you should tell your friend how you feel. Just be honest with him, but be straightforward and don't be emotional about it. Psyche yourself up beforehand so that you have a grip on your emotions and don't let them dictate what you say...Obviously he has some similar feeling towards you too because he keeps initiating contact. It's not a one-way street, this is not just your problem it's both of your problems. It is a problem because both of you are married.

But keeping quiet and not talking about problems, doesn't make the problem go away!!

if you tell him how you feel, and assuming he returns your feelings, then you should set some goals for the rest of the discussion. State that you want to resolve this situation one way or the other and not let it just continue along this path.

Tell him that you will not get into an affair. The options are either that you both scale back or even your friendship because right now it's emotionally messing you up. Or else you both seriously consider if your marriages should be ended if you want to pursue something with each other. Don't push him to leave his marriage - that's entirely his own business not yours. But I'm just saying, if he's been showing you interest for the last 2 years as well, I would suspect he's got his own marital issues just like you. Maybe this is the wake up call for both of you to "do something" about your respective marriages. the easy way is to slide into an affair because you have marital problems and you both have connection with each other. Don't let that happen. If it means one or both of you decides to concentrate on the marriages then agree to end or scale back the friendship out of respect for each other's spouses. but if both of you decide to end your marriages then hey...

I'm just of the opinion that not talking about problems, doesn't make them go away it just paves the way for them to grow bigger until finally you have no choice but to talk about them and by now it's so much harder to resolve. it's been 2 years already.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011):

Yes I can see that you're in an emotional mess (I've been there myself , in fact I went 'further' and for more years so I know fully the kind of emotional mess you're talking about)

well there's two general approaches (and a third which is to just have an affair while one or both of you are still married but which I'm not going to go into cos I assume that's not what you want to do):

the first approach is to resolve your marriage first as a completely separate issue from your feelings for your friend. Examine your marriage and your feelings for your husband. If you can honestly say you would stay married if there was no chance at all with your friend, then you're not ready to divorce. You should end the friendship and concentrate on your marriage - either strengthen it, or to bring it to an end but on its own terms not because of your feelings for someone else (because if you divorce solely on the hopes of getting with your friend, well, he's still married and you don't know if he will ever become available, so if you divorce it has to be independent of your friend's situation).

If you can honestly say you would rather divorce and be single and not knowing what comes next (and without your friend in the picture) than to remain married, then you should definitely divorce. Work on becoming emotionally strong enough to leave your marriage, assume that you will be single, that your co-worker will never leave his marriage and be available to you. Then get the divorce. That's one problem taken care of (your unhappy marriage). Then once you have done that and are emotionally strong and not vulnerable, concentrate on the second problem which is that you have feelings for someone who is unavailable. You could be honest with your friend and tell him how you feel, but realize he may choose not to leave his marriage in which case you should be prepared to remain single and deal with hurt feelings on top of that. But at least you won't be in an unhappy marriage anymore so that's one less burden. And you'll be free to openly find someone new. Or, your friend may decide to leave his marriage too and start a relationship with you.

But basically this first approach is to keep your friend and your marriage separate. Resolve the marriage first. Either stay in it and cut off your friendship so you can improve the marriage, or else end the marriage but without any expectations that you will be able to be with your friend. Then see what happens with your friend but be prepared for nothing to happen.

The second approach is to discuss this with your friend now and see if he's on the same page as you. If both of you mutually decide to leave your marriages to start a relationship with each other, then that's certainly a valid course of action. There is a danger, however, this route can turn into a drama where he may back out mid-process or change his mind back and forth between staying or leaving (because it's never an easy decision to get divorced especially when kids are involved) so that would leave you in a bad spot emotionally if you were only going to divorce because of him. (that's why it's probably better to divorce for its own sake and be prepared to be alone)...however, you never if maybe you and him truly are meant to be or maybe your and his marriages are destined to end anyway and this is just the catalyst.

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (19 January 2011):

Denise32 agony auntYou must not tell your co-worker of your feelings for him - even though its possible he senses something of your attitude. But bringing it out into the open would put him in a very difficult position of either backing out of your friendship because of his loyalty to his family, or, he might want to act on it with you and that would only mess up your life and relationship with your husband even more.

Perhaps the best thing would be to continue being "unavailable" to go eat lunch with him. Maybe you could go to a different eating place, or go with one or two women coworkers.....

You say he continues to ask you to go have lunch, and you don't initiate it. Well, hard as it may be to refuse, that's what you must do. Just say you're busy or have other plans. If he asks why, then you might want to say that as you are both married, you have come to the conclusion that it's just not a good idea. Don't say anything more, or offer explanations.

Hopefully, your feelings for him will gradually start to fade and you can focus on seeing whether your relationship with your husband can be improved. Talking with him about your concerns and what you'd like to see happen between the two of you, and asking what changes/improvements he wants to see. He might surprise you. Perhaps the two of you might consider going to marriage counseling.

After you both make a sustained, sincere effort, and see where you end up, then will perhaps come a time to decide to continue as is, or to end your marriage.

Eventually, once divorced, you'll be free to meet a suitable single partner (but not your work friend!).

I think your feelings for your coworker are a wake-up call to work on your marriage and making it more satisfying and fulfilling for you and your husband.

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A male reader, PortOr United States +, writes (19 January 2011):

PortOr agony auntI strongly believe that he has feelings for you as welll ... just that he hasnt spoken about it to you & being the Mr.Nice guy here.... You need to decide what you want for yourself. Obviously, if you like him so much, tell him that and try to walk away from him. It might initially hurt him, but if he loves you - which i believe he is - he will understand and will give you the space as well... He will be hurt no doubt. But it would be for the better of you two both.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011):

I am in a similar situation as you. We live in different states but it was love at first sight for us both. We talk everyday... I am nit sure how it all started but I am in so deep with my emotions. I know the right thing for the both of us to do and that would be to explain the feelings and that it isn't a good relationship to have. I tried this and we agreed to stop but he broke the rules and called me. I fell right back in to it but even harder. I don't want to hurt anyone either but I can't stop it... It is sick. My situation is slightly different as we have discussed our feeling but know we can never act. This man does want u too. That is why he keeps it going. He doesn't want to let you go. U to need to have a talk and discuss how to end it. It will be so hard but you haven't done anything reall wrong yet

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A female reader, Blonde68 United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2011):

Blonde68 agony aunt

Mmmmm, I sense because you are not that in to your husband, this man has become appealing to you whilst you have been at your lowest.

Believe me, if this coworker was interested in you, he would have made some hints about it by now. Men are not slow at coming forward... trust me.

I suggest you spend your time trying to resolve your marriage or failing that end your marrige, but make sure you do it without breaking up someone elses marriage in the process.

If you can't handle meeting up with this guy for lunches, then make some excuse that you are busy.... but remember if you show your feelings to this guy you could be breaking lots of hearts... your husband, his wife, children... this list is endless... is that really what you want - believe me, the grass isn't always greener on the other side!

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