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I'm lucky to "get lucky" once a week...

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2012) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 February 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My fiance and I have been together for seven and a half years. During the past two months, he has been showing symptoms of hypothyroidism..such as hair loss in patches, dizzy spells, fatigue, and most concerning, lack of libido. We used to have sex at least twice a week, but since these health issues have come about, I'm lucky to "get lucky" once a week or every two weeks sometimes. What concerns me is he has taken a huge interest in internet porn. I don't mind porn and I never have. In fact, we used to watch porn together all the time. But he has been pleasuring himself by watching porn more than being intimate with me during the past couple months. I have asked him about it and he just clams up and wont talk about it..he does the same thing when I ask him if his hair is growing back. He isn't one to talk about health issues, so I'm wondering if it is just the fact that he's worried about himself and thinks if he doesn't talk about it that it will just go away. He says I still turn him on..but I am so confused. Why would he choose porn over me?? I would be more than happy to watch it with him and do whatever he wants. Could it just be that he doesn't have the energy? We have never had any relationship problems at all. He is just acting like he doesn't want to actually have sex. :( someone please give me some insight.

View related questions: fiance, libido, porn

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the input. I FINALLY got him to talk to me, after he caught me checking his web history. Lol Anyway, he finally 'fessed up that he is stressed out and worried about his health. He missed his insurance deadline at work so I'm putting him on my insurance as soon as I can, which is next month. I also bought him several different vitamins to take and he has been having fewer dizzy spells. I agree with what most of you said, and I really appreciate all your opinions. Y'all helped me be able to ask him about it and thankfully, our lack of sex isn't my fault! :) Now I just gotta get him back to being healthy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012):

Once a week after 7.5 years? Sounds good to me. What's the problem?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 February 2012):

Honeypie agony auntIf he has hypothyroidism, even with medication his libido will be low. If he also have low testosterone it will be even lower.

Has he seen a doctor for this?

And the porn. I think he is trying to compensate for his lack of sex with you.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (16 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntAre you still affectionate?

I have to admit that since we have moved in together we’ve gone from sex every other day to maybe once every couple of weeks but there is a great deal of affection an cuddling and kissing… We’ve been stressed with life events… him getting laid off, planning a wedding, other things related to his move etc… and it’s faster and easier to take care of ourselves… but it does not mean we don’t love each other.

I don’t need porn to get off… I just use pictures in my head of old stuff I’ve seen… but he uses porn and I’m fine with it.

It’s tiring and time consuming to make love… it takes me 3 minutes in the shower to finish myself… he wakes up after I’m gone and if he’s ready then and there… well sure rub one out baby…. Have a nice time.

He may not want to have sex… it’s tiring for a man… and if he is any sort of emotional or physical pain (and not having hair is very emotionally painful for a man) he may have issues maintaining an erection….

I do not think for one second his not wanting to have sex based on all the stuff going on for him is in any way shape or form indicative of his lack of feelings for you.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (16 February 2012):

I can never believe a healthy man would ever prefer porn to a real woman. However if the man has erection problems then the stress to perform for his woman can be devastating and cause severe depression. In this situation a man may use porn to help relieve himself and take some solice in the fact that he can still make it work. I think porn use is usually a symptom and not a cause. You need to find a way to talk with you man, you are partners and he has to be made to feel comfortable enough to discuss his situation. If he has a medical condition then he needs to see a doctor and get treatment and probably needs to work on healthier living and more exersise. This worked wonders for my sexual confidence after a bout of high blood pressure took its toll! good luck.

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A male reader, honestman Mexico +, writes (16 February 2012):

I lived with my girlfriend for a year. I had to work everyday, and she stayed at home.

During this time, we sometimes had sex twice a week . Most of the times I came home very exhausted, and all I wanted was to eat and get some sleep. I don't know if I had depression, or what happened to me, but there were several times I watched porn instead of being with my girlfriend. She still can't forgive me for that.

In my case, that year I had no friends, no social life, lots of work stress, overtime work, some conflicts with my gf, other serious personal problems, medical problems. I didn't even played video games. I had no activities for me. No private space, no time for me. So I think not that maybe I masturbated [instead of having sex with my gorgeous girlfriend] because that was the only activity that I liked, that I could do alone, didn't required money, and made me feel better.

I must also notice that many those times I masturbated with porn, my gf was sleeping when I arrived home. I really hate waking someone up, and so instead of waking her up, I tried to please myself.

I don't know if anything of what I wrote makes sense, but I you can get something out of it.

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A female reader, LovelyLemon United States +, writes (16 February 2012):

LovelyLemon agony auntI would certainly suggest that you encourage him to have his hypothyroidism treated. I myself have it, and I feel a million times better after having started thyroid replacement medication. I have much more energy, happier outlook, just generally better.

If he has enough sex drive to be pleasuring himself to porn, however, it sounds as though maybe this is a deeper issue. I would let him know that you are feeling unfulfilled and feel that you both need to open up about the situation. Ask him why he is opting for something that doesn't involve interaction over you. Let him know that his medical condition is affecting more than just him.

If he insists that it really is that he is just tired, then he really needs to go to the doctor. If not, then maybe try doing something different to spice things up a little. Maybe a different position or a sexy game!

Much love and Best wishes

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (16 February 2012):

YouWish agony may want to marry someone else, because those things don't go away, especially if his porn use is interfering with his sex life. I'm not usually one to defend a medical issue interfering with a sex life, but I've dealt with anemia and fatigue due to kidney disease (just as a transplant), and it's easier just to rub one off rather than go through the fatiguing effort to have regular sex. It's like the difference between taking a couple of hours and preparing a pot roast versus the McDonald's drive through. So I guarantee that it's not you that he's doing this...he's just not wanting to make the effort to have the vastly superior experience of mind-blowing sex with the woman he loves.

That being said, he should go see his doctor to help with the fatigue, which goes far beyond taking synthetic thyroid pills. Changing the diet, exercising, focusing on his wellness are big things that would help build his energy and stimulate his libido.

As for his hair loss, if I were you, I wouldn't even ever bring it up unless he does first. That is a very sensitive topic for many guys and causes a lot of anxiety. Even bringing up the subject of hair loss is like discussing a woman's weight is to not be talked about.

I would suggest if he keeps letting porn interfere, and if he doesn't take steps to get medical help for his wellbeing, you may want to re-think either living with little sex, or finding someone else before you tie the knot with this guy.

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