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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Sorry, this is long...My boyfriend doesn't trust me. I am to blame of this, in part. He has trust issues because of previous girlfriends and being abused as a child (I didn't know about this until it was too late). But the thing is, he's always been jealous. And when the moment came when he asked me about my past, I knew I'd have trouble because some guys involved were guys that he knows (we live in a small town).I lied about a guy in my past, who used to be my friend with benefits, years before he introduced me to my boyfriend. My boyfriend, when we had been together for like 6 months, once got suspicious that I may have had something with that guy in the past (because we had been friends for a long time, and actually were quite close). But me, knowing that my boyfriend is extremely jealous (he had admitted it, and also for the same reason had asked me not to tell him anything about my past), I feared his reaction to the truth so I lied when he asked me if I had had anything physical with that guy before (I never had a boyfriend until my current one, and he knows this). It had happened like 3 years before, but still I panicked and lied. However I came clean. This obviously broke his trust, he got furious, and only then I found out about his cheating ex girlfriends and abusive father.He said he couldn't believe I'd hid something like that from him. I told him I was scared of his reaction, but also that he had asked me not to tell him anything about my past. He said that THAT was an important thing to know, as my ex fwb was also his friend. Then he started inquiring about my past, and now he's jealous and gets angry every time he remembers a former crush, a guy who had been too friendly with me, etc.So I cut contact with that friend, and also with a guy who used to crush on me (my boyfriend also knows him because he's friends with his brother). This guy used to like me before I met my boyfriend, though. My boyfriend can't stand any of them now, so I had to say goodbye to them both (by the way, this happened like a year ago).Months went by, until October 2007, when they started talking to me again on MSN. I kinda missed their friendships, so I talked to them online (behind my boyfriend's back), for a couple of weeks. I didn't intend to cheat, as I didn't have feelings for any of them, but I know if my boyfriend found out about this, he'd assume I definitely cheated or at least wanted to.Now I'm scared because, again, I'm hiding something from him. I just find it hard to be honest with him, because I fear his reactions so much. When I know that something, even if it's minimal and random (like running into a former crush at an event) will upset him, I have to work up the courage so much to tell him, because he gets angry, and he doesn't forgive and forget you know, he's very resentful and on every chance he has he'll get mad and throw things in my face.And now, I'm scared my boyfriend will find out about this. I mean, maybe these guys could just go and tell him, or whatever. One of them hasn't reasons to get back at me... but the other one may have, as some of my friends absolutely hate him. I also got his blog account closed, because he had uploaded a picture that was against the rules. I did it because he had some stuff about me online from a long time ago, but those things were affecting my relationship (I couldn't ask him to delete them, as I can't talk to him now, because of my bf's jealousy and mistrust). It was anonymous, so anyone could've done it, but he knows I did the same thing (for the same reasons) to my ex fwb some time ago. However, from what I know him, he isn't a vengeful person. None of them are (unlike my boyfriend).So, now...1) Is it OK to hide what I did in October 2007? I swear I didn't intend to cheat, but my boyfriend asked me to tell him everything, but I can't tell him about this or he'll leave me. I just talked to them for a few weeks. Is it OK to hide it from him, can I get away with it? Or will a karmic force ruin my relationship? Should I always tell him EVERYTHING or is it OK to hide things like this? Or am I awful?2) Should I go to the guy who used to crush on me to make sure he doesn't tell my boyfriend anything? He actually doesn't know what I did to his blog. He knows my boyfriend and his brother. Do you think he'll want to get even for this? Or do you think he'll move on and forget it? I'm not allowed to talk to him now, because of my boyfriend, but should I have a quick chat with him to make sure he won't tell my boyfriend anything?3) Am I awful? Really? Should I always tell my boyfriend anything or is it Ok to hide things?P.S.: I've been a bit of a coward all my life though... I'm always hiding thngs from people. Oh, how many things have I hidden from my parents! From my friends... I lied throughout my childhood and adolescence. But who doesn't? Or do I have problems... I mean I didn't lie compulsively, just to avoid trouble.
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crush, ex girlfriend, friend with benefits, jealous, move on, msn, my ex, never had a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): sounds like a nightmare your putting yourself and everyone around you through. your always hiding things because you keep doing bad things! get a life, stop depending on men screwing and flirting with everyone to get you through; everyone is your emotional doucebag get a fckin job
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): I agree with the top part of rproctor, but I think he is reading something into your relationship with the other guys. You haven't indicated that your interest is beyond platonic. But beyond that, I'm in kinda the same boat. I'm really confused about how to act around past crushes now that i have a bf. Its not like I want them anymore, but is friendship with them not going to work?
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 First of all, you're not a horiable person. You wouldn't care about your boyfriend's feelings if you were. You asked if you have problems. In a way. your actions in question 3 show a lack of taking responsability.
As far as your relationship. Your past is not his business. He can't tell you who to talk too and who not too. That's wrong. Now, going out and socializing with fwb is a different story. Just running into someone, and he getting upset. WHY? Not a big deal. So we think, but to your boyfriend it is a big deal. To him it's you being in a place with an ability to make a decision of your boyfriend or the person you have past history with.
Your boyfriend needs help as well. I urge him to seek counseling. He needs to overcome these issues, first by revisiting and coming to real terms with his past. His behaivor may not be directly related to these people you run into. it may be related to personal issues, which his behavior is a form of self medication with these other problems.
Unfortunately, unless counseling begins, I don't see this situaiton changing for you. Hope this helps, take care .
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A
male
reader, rproctor +, writes (13 May 2008):
Well the way I see it there are two sides to this:On one side your bf is controlling you through fear, which is very wrong and will probably cause more problems in the long run. If he continues this then most likely it will spiral out of control and probably end very badly, emotionally or even possibly physically. He probably should look on ways to cope with his jealousy to express himself and his emotions without creating this wall of fear to keep you caged into his reality. Its really unhealthy if your bf is at the level of jealousy you explain him to be.Then, on the other side of this is a problem with you. For some reason, you seek the affection of men who are on some level of intimacy with you. I would definitely NOT want my gf hanging out with her x bf, or even worse x fling, or even men who I know want to be with her (aka have a crush on her). Do not trust men, especially those who look at you as more than just a friend, rather its now or in the past. If you can not satisfy your affection through that of your bf then you probably should seek help as to why you are trying to find it outside of a monogamous relationship. It does not mean that you would cheat on him, but it does mean that you are putting yourself in situations where you will probably at some point have to make the choice to either cheat on him or not. Also, by lying and going behind his back makes me feel as though you do not respect your relationship with him. Why cant you find friends who do have intimate interactions with you? Your friendship with these two men is definitely not completely platonic, and to many men that is along the same lines as cheating.
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