A
female
age
51-59,
*winkle64
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 3 years. He lives in Manchester I live in london. I met him on internet dating, he was an asylum seeker and he had nothing to his name. That did not matter I loved him for the who he was. I have one daughter who is grown up and I am divorced and not a muslim. He is Kurdish, a non practising muslim who is 10 years younger. He was living with some friends in a house and I have only been there once. He did not feel comfortable when I was there. He said, there was no privacy with friends been around but he did not share a bedroom with anyone else. I used feel uncomfortable and wondered if he is hiding somthing thats why he did not really want me to be infront of his friends. It was easier that he came to London. He told me when he gets his own place there would be no problem. I could stay there as long as I like and his house is mine too. I always had welcomed him when he came to stay with me in London He use to come down by coach and it would take him six hours. He would get up very early in the morning so he could spend more time with me. Anyway I had to have a major operation in November 2007 he never visited me in hospital. He could not take a day off but he phoned my mum on the day of my operation. I am still in pain today. He got permanent stay in this country a year ago and did not use me for anything. I was always scared when he gets settled in this country properly he would leave me. That is exactly what happened. He got a council flat in November 2008 and I went to see it before Xmas. When I was in Manchester he felt uncomfortable holding my hand as we walked through the shopping centre. He start saying he felt nervous that his friends would see him and his culture is different. When he came to London he was ok. He told me he had never had a girlfriend because in muslim countries they are very strict, that i was his first girlfriend and that he was a virgin. He performed really well so I used to question him. I had never been so close and intimate with anyone before like I was with him. I loved the man and always felt sorry for that he had lost his parents in the war and was alone here with no family. In the beginning he said I could mould him the way I wanted to. I told him I was not like that and I beleive its give and take in a relationship. Just before Xmas he said he wanted space and that he could not text me everynight. He finished worked late, at night because he is a chef. I would get worried if he got home safely or not. It was nice of him to text as he agreed that he would text everyday so I would not be worried. Recently he started say that if he does not text , i should not worry as I knew where he lived and I should feel secure. I used to worry if something happened to him i would not know. I often asked for a number in case of emergency but never gave a proper answer. We spoke everyday in the beggining , then we spoke every third day. I had already been abandon once in a relationship. He never really understood my concerns. Everything changed when he got his council property he hated before to live with his friends.He hated it when i rang him couple of times, if there was no answer. since I would get worried. He used to say, ring once and leave a text and to give him 24 hours to answer. It was ok when he rang couple of times and when there was no answer. When he had a day off he did not like it if I called he wanted time to relax. In beginning it was ok just recently he nagged more. Before Xmas after a few days when he told me he wanted space we had an arguement and I told him that I was upset. I did not understand him wanting space when I did not see him everyday. Then in conversation he said me lately his feelings had changed and that he does not love me the way he did. Maybe he will feel different later. I felt hurt, and begged him not to finish the relationship. After he told me his feelings had changed we still spoke on the phone and i said i need a proper closure so we decide to meet. I cancelled my meeting as i got the flu. We set another date which was Feb 11 2009, he would of met me at a railway station in London. He did not want me to travel to Manchester because when he would of left me after few hours I would of been upset. He was worried I might not reach London safely. He did not want to feel responsible. I dont know if he made excuse or if he was being caring. I mentioned to him that I was worried about meeting him and I was in two minds. I was scared of my emotions and saying good bye would be painful. I thought about it for a few days and i never met him. I did not tell him that I was not meeting him, neither did I answer his phone calls or replied to any texts. He phoned me up to the morning we were suspose to meet Feb 11 . He has not bother phoning since then or even to ask if I was dead or alive or in trouble anything could of happened. He text me on Sunday 15 Feb. I did not reply to that text either. The reason why i ignored his phone calls and texts was to see if he really cares. He does care for me, not even as a friend, its not like i have just met him and that we did not get close. I have not heard from since 15th Feb 2009. I feel hurt and used and abused. He said once that if ever our relationship was to end he would not feel guilty and would be very happy, that he did not hurt me in anyway by not using me for a passport, borrowing money or having a child with me. I always said there is always an emotional pain when a relationship breaks especially when you love that person. Please help should I phone him or not? I am loosing sleep and cannot do anything. I want to text or phone but am being needy? Please help
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divorce, heartbroken, long distance, money, muslim, never had a girlfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): i would say just leave it and try to move on and i know that your extremely upset but if a person doesnt care for you enough and is causing you nothing more than upset than its time to let it go.
A
female
reader, triedit  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Oh sweetie I know the kind of pain you are having. Ive been there too many times myself.
Do NOT call him. Do NOT text him. Go make yourself a cup of tea and turn on some sad songs and cry him out of your system. This is not a healthy relationship. Even what you discribed in the beginning when you were happy was not a healthy relationship.
Bury this feeling for him and mourn it like a death, because that is what it is. Then when you are done crying and ready to stand up tall and realize you a)don't need a man and b)deserve better from someone you're going to be with, then you will see how strong you are and what a great person you truly are.
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