A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 24 and have been with my bf for 1.5 years. Throughout the time we are together, I'm honestly very happy, so happy that I cannot explain. Whenever I see him, I cannot stop smiling. However, when I think of future or marriage, I don't see him as the one.. As I have to move to another city for 7 months soon and I am thinking of breaking it off, and let this period as a time for us to heal seperately, even though I still love him very much..I am always the one who take care of everything between us, he is just too spontaneous/unorganized at times.. he did recognize it after I told him and he said he will try to change, but I just am not sure if his change is enough for me to think of a future..Although I am very independent, sometimes I still want to feel protected.. but I never get that sense of security I need from my bf.. like I have to face and solve everything on my own.. (I am studying half the globe away from home) sometimes I just want him to at least try offering comfort/help when see me struggling, but I often only get it if I have to ask for it, or sometimes I may not even get it..I did tell him about that I don't see a future with him and I am confused.. like I'm very happy with him now, but I just don't know if we should continue.. I feel very tired or being the man/mom in our relationship.. he got very upset and said he has tried his best.. he even weeped (I have never seen him that sad before, nor did he ever showed his weak side).. I know he does love me a lot, but I am just not sure if he will grow up one day to be someone I can rely on.. it hurts me a lot to think of ending something so happy too.. but my thought is not a sudden thought, it has been for some months, but only cos I'm moving away, I thought maybe this is the time..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Thank you very much for all the answers and follow up of WiseOwlE!I have spent this whole weekend together with my bf, with finally a weekend when I can be completely laid back and follow everything he planned. We also talked a lot, clarifying my reasons of confusion and his reasons and I recognized sometimes it is also my fault or our misunderstanding that we could have just laughed it away. (stupid ;p) But yes, there are still issues, like I hope sometimes he can take up the leading role. But this weekend, he really make an effort to show me he got the potential to be someone I can rely on and I feel very touched.Though I am not sure if we can ultimately be together, I can see that he is someone worth me investing more time. Even if we don't work out in the end, I will never regret all the time with him. I'm very happy with him and I think you guys are right, I should at least try than giving up something so great now, thank you all :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I comprehend that you need to feel safe as well as secure in a relationship; not over-protected. It is his duty to step up to the plate when he sees it's time to man-up. I didn't misunderstand anything you've written. He may be the one you love for now; but may not be the man you really wish to marry. That's totally understandable. Just don't create preconceived images in your head that may not totally exist. It's not settling for less, when you're smart enough to know a "bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." He has to accept you for your weaknesses.The person who comes along and really loves you, may only come along once in a lifetime.I personally met a guy whom I was totally attracted to right away. Charming, and very sincere. He is bisexual, divorced with 3 kids, retired at 45. In my head, he had all the traits anyone could want in a partner. Yet, I had visions of someone really super-attractive, ambitious, and would impress all my friends. I kept up my defenses to make sure that I didn't get too close. I wanted to hold out for the "perfect one."I eventually made excuses to cancel dates, didn't return calls, and finally ditched him. He didn't know what he had done wrong. I had concerns and reservations if he would return to heterosexual tendencies, how his kids would react to me, and fear that his ex-wife would loathe the very air I breathed. I didn't explain this to him, because I wanted a clean break. Don't get me wrong. He's Swedish-German, 6'4", lean-lanky build, and has ice-blue eyes that peer through your soul. A year passes by. I'm out having a drink with friends and looked to my left. There he was! He asked me what the hell happened? He assumed it was his fault. I felt like a huge jerk, and apologized over and over. We talked for a very long time. I got to know him again and much better. I opened both my mind and my heart.He took me out on a date. He had remembered everything I said I liked. He took me to a quaint seafood restaurant by the sea. We finished dinner in time to walk on the beach, and I actually watched a beautiful sunset. He remembered all these things I said I liked from over a year before! We drove home in his convertible, late at night with the top down. He remembered each and every detail!!!I gave it a go. Since, I've come to realize he has a great relationship with his kids. He is extremely gentle, kind, and generous. I've met his delightful son. Daughters are next. His mom is vacationing in Ireland, but I will meet her later this spring. He has many loyal and great friends. He keeps in touch with his classmates, has kept friends from over 40 years back, and takes great care of his mother. He retired early from making a great living. I ALMOST THREW IT ALL AWAY!It has been 10 months since we met for the second time. It's still going strong. We complement each other well. We know how to disagree with patience and respect. His paternal instincts are very strong and sensitive. His kids adore him.So, sometimes the man you already have is the man of your dreams. He may lack a few things you want; but you're there to complement his weaknesses, not to point them out. Your strengths make him stronger. His love makes him protective of you. He won't let anything happen to you. As I said, let him go if you're certain he's not the one. It's only fair to him. Don't look back with regret.I was lucky, I got a second chance. Now he's my Viking.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 I have found that even the most capable man (like my husband) who can take care of everything tends to let that ability slide when in a relationship.
I understand what you are saying to an extent.
Men process things very differently than women do and they see things differently. And no one is a mind reader. If you need something from him you have to tell him what you need.
I'm not sure if you are that happy, that it's worth ending it... maybe compromise is the better way here... because you want a man who's large and in charge so to speak, and then you may have to compromise on what he likes you to do in the relationship.... so you would be trading one set of compromises for another.
You two will have a 7 month period where you won't be able to be there day to day for each other... maybe then you will get to see his skills that you find lacking shining.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I can totally relate to where you are coming from. I was a strong indeoendent woman who could do everything for herself but didn't want to have to! I chose to marry a 'bad boy' type as he was strong and took control of everything and organised or had people who did everything for him. This is ok as long as you don't mind having eveything taken away and decided for you without consultation. If you accept all well an good, if you retaliate - not so happy! For many many years prior to this marriage and in a previous marriage I was the 'man', had to deal with car mechanics, builders, sort any problems and I did not like it at all. For me although I have little say I prefer it the way I am now because everything is sorted for me by a man or a group of men. I have had to relinquish my hold and decision making powers which initially although I really wanted it I found hard to let go and really taken on the role of the more submissive female - there is no happy medium. I am not suggesting you go as far as me because my life is a bit like a gangland culture although in a business environment but I do think a stronger man is in order for you. It is not possible to make a man change into this role if he is not that way inclined and however much he may try it will not come naturally. My first husband was like your boyfriend and although he tried he was just not strong enough for me and I ended up mentally and often physically carrying the whole family. Personally I would choose to move on as you will grow to resent him and eventually see him as weak.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Have you read 'Man are from Mars, woman from Venus'? It might be that he doesn't know how to communicate the love and support he would like to give you in an understandable way for you. I would suggest that you read the book and get more into the male and female psychology, see if it is true for you and maybe even try to read it together and work on some aspects of your relationship - if you have such a loving and open communication, it should be possible. It would be a pity that such a nice relationship dissolves only after one and a half a year without even trying seriously to fix the things. I always remember that picture of the couple in their old age being asked how did they made it through the years and where they respond - we lived in times when things which were broken were fixed. And I personally believe it is a better approach to life. It is harder, more effort has to be invested, but the rewards are higher as well. Modern style of just searching and searching until we find the perfect final product helped by the good connections (internet, transport, phones etc) where anything and everything in the world is available gives us the feeling that there is a perfect thing/person somewhere outside which will perfectly match my needs, I just need to find it. No one is perfect and I believe we should try to figure out is the situation that we are in possible for us to exist in or not, how much do we get and how big is the issue that we are not happy with, how much can be changed or not. And make a decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I am very happy to hear that your boyfriend can make you smile and you recognize there is some growing up for him to do or maturing. I can relate to his response to you about questioning a future with him. I first got real angry when my girlfriend said I was an inadequate partner. I never had the chance to cry in front of her but have been doing so in my pillow alone the last couple nights. You had him show a sincere emotion by crying and showing how hurt he is. I would like you to ask you to do one thing? Search deep in your heart and see if you can meet half way? Just maybe group sessions together might help him and might help you tolook at this relationship in a new way. Give him one last opportunity to correct his ways. Let me tell you being alone at night and crying is no fun. Not being able to try and correct my mistakes in my relationship just about destroyed me. I hope you at least consider what I said before you decide to terminate your relationship. Please...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I finished it I wanted a real man who I could depend on in a crisis.If you love him, he makes you happy and you can handle 7 months apart then stick it out, you sound like you want to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I agree with the response that says be careful what you wish for. You say you want a man to make you feel "protected" but that often draws a women towards either "badboy" types or men who are a "mans man". Ironically it ends up being their aggressive partner they need protecting from or their BF "doesn't do" feelings. If this guy is kind, loving, caring and able to discuss his feelings (you said he wept) that that to me is a good thing. Would you prefer the tough guy who says "sorry love I cant handle all this emotional stuff im off to watch footie with the lads"? Life is about give and take. He probably feels the same way in that his confidence may be taking a battering from feeling that not your equal and being controlled, for the want of a better word, by you. Ive been in that situation and its never nice to feel your partner is the one "in charge".Your both still young, im sure given time he will mature just fine but you need to hand more control to him now. If you constantly treat him like your wearing the trousers so to speak, he will become less confident not more so.You probably at an age (24) where your feeling at a bit of a crossroads, growing out of studying and into the more serious world of work, potential responsibility, kids, etc. Its normal to feel a bit unsettled in any aspect of life: relationships, work, study, sex, etc around the age of 24 as your both moving from adolescence/early adulthood to being a mature, experienced grown man and women. Why not put your fears to one side for a while and see how you go. Your still very young to be thinking about marriage so slow down and see where it takes you, if when your studies are over and your both in work and stable financially then that's the time to think about tying the knot ;-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): to WiseOwlE: thank you very much for your answer! you are right, actually the thing I am struggling about is also I'm not sure if I should just accept these traits of him as we are now very happy and one day maybe I will come into term with it.. I believe he has so many unique character that I cannot find in any other men, that's why I'm so happy with him now and have so much struggle inside..I also believe he has accepted many short comings of mine too and he said he is very happy accepting everything in me.. and I'm thinking maybe I can compromise on his like how he accept mine too.. I know no one is perfect, but I don't know how I can make myself accept it without feeling frustrated.. I really do hope I can accept this part of him too and don't have to end things..have anyone been through similar struggle and how do you compromise with it in the end?
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Relationships are about compromise, you have your faults he has his. if he makes you happy and you love him then what more do you want? you may never meet your dream man and may be forever chasing something you cannot have.
if you really are unhappy then of course break it off but think twice first, you may change your mind and there is no guarantee he will wait around for you to come back.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Hi
I can totally relate to what your saying.Am independant myself but don't want to be looking after a man,to be strong for two,sometimes we need support.
Your family network is miles away, so you have to rely on friends or your boyfriend for support.He is not wired to pick up on this,he may love you but you need him to step up and give emotional support sometimes.
I think when you go away you should split up, as you say it gives 7 months healing time. It could be you decide he IS the one during ths time,or,that you did the right thing,but you both at least will have a clean break and will see the bigger picture.
Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): You have to determine what traits you need and want in a man. No one has to change for you, nor more than you for anyone else. Just be careful for what you wish for. There is a fine-line between feeling safe and being under someone's control or domination. Men who take charge, prefer taking full charge; and rarely like independent women. Life becomes a power struggle.What you may need is someone who is more independent and organized. The best combination is when you compliment each other. You function well together and apart.You may be more controlling than you realize. You feel that you are the "man/mom" in the relationship because you assume the role. There are times when you have to be the stronger of the two. How else will you survive upon the loss of the other? He was sad because you emasculated him by telling him he wasn't man enough for you. No matter how nicely you may have worded it.Nothing is more irritating than to read how perfect a boyfriend or girlfriend is in every way, at the beginning of a post. Then how happy we are in the relationship. Then lower the boom! They just aren't perfect enough.Relationships are give and take. There will be times when he must rely on the strength of his woman, and the other way around. Assuming she steps aside and anything he does is good enough. The perfectionist is never happy. They always find a fault, weakness, and demand obedience. Thus assuming the role of mom. Always aggressively taking charge of a situation; even when it isn't required. Thus being the man.This is a new age. Men don't always interfere when they have a woman who has the ability to take charge. Many have female bosses and get used to taking orders from a woman, and many like knowing she's got his back. The last thing he needs to hear from her is that he is a wimp for being progressive in his attitude toward women.Let him go! Keep looking for someone who'll make you feel protected. Just be sure you know when to step aside and be appreciative when he takes charge and wants to protect you.You may have to give up a few other good traits as a result.He may not be as "perfect" a man, as you are as a woman.
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