A
female
age
36-40,
*jLady
writes:I'm getting sick and tired apart from frustrated by the fact that my boyfriend doesn't want to give me oral...this might turn out really long, in a way I just want to vent, but also some words of advise or opinions that can make me feel better with myself and my situation are very welcomed...You see, I like giving oral, it get me on just to see my bf enjoying it a lot, I get very excited also to the point of getting very wet, for me it's another form of foreplay, but even though I enjoy it, obviously I'm not receiving any pleasure, I even let my bf cum in my mouth and swallow, I like it, it doesn't bother me a bit, some times I actually want him to cum in my mouth! So that part is OK.Our relationship has had a lot of sexual related problems, we have been together for a short 6 months, we live together also, mostly all of the problems that have been arising were because he was unexperienced, I'm his first girlfriend, he never had any sexual intercourse in his life (he's 28) me on the other hand have been active since 17, so that's a lot of time to know what I like and how I like it, first because of my insecurity, I never had a bf who would watch porn and still masturbate even when having a partner, that provoked a big fight, but then I had to get over the fact that all his life he only had his hand as a companion... so it was going to be very hard for him to stop watching porn and jerking off...The fact that I have apparently a higher libido than his... I would always want more but he would be to tired or not in the mood. And now this... I like oral as much as I like giving it, the only time that he tried to give me oral, he did it for like less than a minute and the stopped, never again did he ever tried it after that, I asked him why recently since 99% of the time I always give him oral, but some times feel bad because I wish I would at least receive some back. He said that he didn't like the smell or the taste... I'm very clean, I hate to be dirty, but I have noticed in my life that my smell is noticeable, I don't find it repulsive, maybe because I'm use to it, but either way, he has been the only one that has refused to give me head... obviously I was very ashamed and depressed so I ran to the pharmacy and bought douches, feminine hygiene soap and wet towels to try to eliminate that odor, I don't have any infections, yet I still have a low smell... even with all that he said that he doesn't like the idea, but he once said that if I try to taste more "fruity" maybe he would try it again, one time we were at an adult store and saw those fruity eatable oils and asked him if he wanted to buy them, he said "No, why would I?" ... so that was the first sign that he did not even want to try even if I was willing to do as he suggested (apparently he forgot he ever said that).So we had a big discussion that I was always willing to try new stuff even if maybe the idea was not very promising but at least I would try it first, he wanted anal and I didn't because I remembered it hurt like hell the last time I was with a brute, I said no first, but I was open to think that maybe there was a way so that it wouldn't hurt as much, I bough lubs and creams by my own even though I was not keen to the idea, sure enough I let him do it but under my terms and to my surprise, I loved it, I discovered that I was multi orgasmic that time, the point I'm trying to put out is that I at least try even though I don't like the idea much... but he's not, he said that if I really want it that he can try to do it but don't expect him to like it, even though I'm trying to make it so it would be more pleasant for him... but even with all that he's just so closed to the idea that he won't like it, he's predisposing himself like that, I told him that if that's the case than I don't want anything, he sounded like he was going to sacrifice himself for me, I would not enjoy it like that.Now there's something that I really didn't like that I discovered that he wanted to do, he wanted to ejaculate on me... now at first I was offended and repulsed by the idea... as for me.. a man that does that is just degrading a woman and making her look like a slut and has no self respect, he said that if I didn't like it that he would never asked, so seeing my reaction to that he knew that I did not want to try it, but as the time has passed I discovered that I have done things with him that I would have never done with anybody else, I have felt very comfortable with him, and only him out all the men I have been with, to the point that I started thinking of maybe trying it... only knowing that he does not pretend to degrade me or think of me as a slut.After all this came up, I've been torn between thinking that if I let him do that I will be degraded and pretty much feel like I would be spit on... but another part of me wants to think the opposite. What is the real reason men like to cum on their partner?....is it really a domination thing, is it all the above? what is it?... If someone can actually answer that question without the "cuz we love to cum on you" answer, please just save it, I need a logical answer to why men have this behavior, maybe if I understand it, it wouldn't bother me a lot to try it... I love him a lot, he also does, he would never force me to do anything, I know that for a fact, but now that at look at him at the face, and remember that he would like to do that to me, makes me think that he does not appreciate me or wants me to look degrading... though I'm hopping and praying that's not the case... he's very caring and loving, but it's just his attitude towards oral that disappoints me a lot. He said it's ok if I stopped giving him oral, because he knows that its unfair for me, but I truly like giving him oral, I just wish he would return some to me....What do you guys think will happen, and also... can someone please answer my questions... Thanks a lot for reading until the end, I'm sorry I made this really long, but I have no one else to talk to with experience in this situation that can give me their point of view :(
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depressed, ejaculate, foreplay, in the mood, libido, orgasm, porn, swallow Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Thank you for the followup! You've got a great attitude about sex and I think your BF is luckier than he likely realizes.
A
female
reader, TjLady +, writes (28 October 2010):
TjLady is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to some who answered and helped a lot, specially dirtball for giving me his man point of view, as per an update on my situation, well, I have decided not to pressure him in any way to give me oral, I'm doing my part in checking myself out at the gyno, maybe there is something wrong with me since I spoke to some very close friends about the issue also and after they said that my Ph was very high that I needed to get that checked, I've also started wearing some feminine deodorant and replaced toilet paper with wet towels to control the odor...so as far as that point well I'll just have to not expect him to do anything if he doesn't want to, I would not enjoy something if i knew he was not liking it, it doesn't work that way for me.
His attitude did change a little towards trying to do it at some point in the future, but again, I will not force him, he know I want it, but not like "ohh I'll sacrifice myself for you" :|
As per the whole coming on the outside, I asked him why he wanted to do it, he said it was curiosity mostly and that he never sees how he cums, but he said it was in no way intended to humiliate or degrade me, after hearing that answer I was satisfied, I might be willing to try it also at some point, but that's only if I would go crazy in bed and not care about feeling bad (it has happen before), so I'm kinda opening up to the idea for now if it's just to satisfy his curiosity, who knows, maybe I'll like it too.
So I guess this problem is kinda resolved, I'll just keep being patient and get my stuff checked, at least for myself. I'm against he whole thing about doing stuff your partner wants but you don't like, I believe sex is a bonding act and also it has to be pleasurable for both, if one of you doesn't like to do something but only does it to please the partner, then it's not enjoyable, there is no connection in that moment, also I think it's selfish for the person that likes it and knows that the partner doesn't and still asks for it or lets the partner do it.
As per the whole oral from me to him, I really like giving it to him, so if I want to, I will keep doing it, as long as he compensates with something for not giving oral, I think I'm ok with it.
Thanks again for your time :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Hey there,
thats why I go by the motto do unto to others only after they have given to you. With my Bf of 7 months, I never initiated sex with him. I let him initiate things with me. Although, I am the first girl he's given oral and he loves to do it even when I don't give it to him sometimes. When you love someone, you want to please them...period. I hate giving oral but I love my man and so sometimes I do it and do it like I love it because I like the way he moans. He loves me and he does it to me all the time. I would pull back and stop all kinds of sexual contact. This can make you become resentful especially when you keep giving and getting nothing in return. From your post, you are already getting upset about it and with good reason. Stop sleeping with him. Even if you are his first, if he loves you he will practice on you. And be patient with him and teach him how to please you. My man was a fast learner and he loves the way I react to his giving me pleasure. as far as you are clean, you've both gotten tested and you shave, he should have no problem doing it
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (27 October 2010):
Looks to me that he actually even though he might not say it... but you are his first but he isn't your first. That being said looks to me that he thinks that putting his mouth were other men have put his penis is nasty...
Just being honest... try to go further in the conversation, you will be surprised. I bet this is his situation.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
I think it's good you denied him. Even if it felt bad, he can get a taste of the disappointment you feel at his refusal to reciprocate. I'm glad to hear that everything else is good. Tell him that his reaction to your request really hurt. This being his first relationship he won't know how to read you. Guys don't do well with hints or reading emotions in general anyway. Let him know that the disappointment he felt when you wouldn't go down on him is like what you feel. You can both be satisfied in other ways, but sometimes what you want is what you want and as a loving partner you have to be willing to please your partner even if you don't like it that much.
I still think that if he gets some practice he'll start to like it, but hey, I can't speak for him. He's definitely lucky to have a lover like you though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Well, just my opinion, but I'm a guy and I would not want to be a girl and the guy I was with not want to give me oral.
It's pretty damn nice from the giving end, and the smell and the taste...well, I like it...what can I say.
I hear that it is pretty damn nice from the receiving end as well.
Get him some books...porn films are porn films and don't tell the true story of sex and love.
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A
female
reader, TjLady +, writes (26 October 2010):
TjLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he is good with his hands... he knows where I like to be touched, if he doesn't I normally tell him how, he does try really hard to please me in other ways other than oral, like I said, he is good with his hands, we even have some toys to compensate when he finishes first and helps me finish with his hand and some toys.I did deny him oral the last 2 times, he was surprised, and asked why, I just told him "equal trade is the game" he didn't get it (he might be very intelligent, but he's not very bright at things like these.. ) he did get disappointed and that made me feel bad for denying him something that he likes and so did I...Foreplay is his favorite part, there's no problem there, I am very very satisfied when we have sex, I've had the most intense orgasms while he's using his hands but even so, I still wish he would at least try and give head once in a while, not like every time, but i dunno... once or twice per month?Communication has never been the problem, the problem is his attitude, while I'm willing but he is like "if you want it I can try and give it to you but don't expect me to like it at all eeewww" that's the main issue, I told him that if that's the case that I don't want him to do it, not like that... If i don't like something I can at least try it with my best face on and positive attitude to be open to the possibilities... but maybe it's like you say, he feels insecure and that's why he doesn't want to give me head.Our sexual rounds go from 15-25 minutes, I'm ok with the duration, because I always end up very satisfied...I did tell him that I like to receive oral, but he took that as like I didn't want it, but if I told him that I wanted it, he would have said that I'm forcing him to do it, which is not my intention but he ended up saying that I'm asking too much of him... so we're in a rut... I just don't know what to do.. should i just resign myself to never receive oral though I like giving it?... I just don't know now...
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (26 October 2010):
Hi there,
I dont understand the whole coming on yr GF's face/breasts etc. I find that very degrading to do that.The cuming in yr mouth..well sometimes that cant be helped but he should at least warn you! Sounds like he's trying to re-enact the Porn films that he watches!!
A lot of guys dont like to give a woman oral but like to recieve it. Yes I know double standards.
As you are his 1st perhaps he doesnt know what to do. If you are tidy down there..perhaps you could try some say honey or body chocolate...at least he cant complain about the taste!!
Good luck...he sounds like a very lucky guy!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
Long isn't so bad when you use paragraphs like this. Thumbs up! BTW, you'll be getting a long answer in reply.
Ok, lots of stuff going on here. I'll try to offer a guy's perspective on this issue.
First the easy one. Cumming on your partner. Why do guys like it? There are a few reasons. Porn is one. It shows acceptance from our partner. It can lead to other things. I'll explain.
I never had the notion of ejaculating on a partner until the girl I lost my virginity to suggested it. She liked it (at least that's what she told me). She liked the way it felt. To me it felt like she was accepting me. It's really no different than when you swallow. It's taking a "disgusting" part of us and showing us you don't mind it. With the GF I mentioned above, I also liked it because it usually meant we would shower together afterword sometimes including a round 2. Now, part of why I was pulling out is that we were using that as contraception (ahhh so young and stupid), so if I wasn't cumming on her, it would be the sheets or a towel... She always said that she was easier to clean than having to do laundry all the time, so that was another reason.
Another reason we like it is because we see it in porn. Really though, it can be a method of degradation, but it doesn't have to be. Really, it boils down to intent. Is he cumming on you to assert dominance or is it a loving gesture? It can be both.
As for him not going down on you... He's a jackass. Really he's lazy and giving a lame ass excuse. I love the smell and taste. Most men do. It's very primal and is a turn on. I honestly suggest you ask him to keep doing it. Guide him and help him. He may not like it off the bat, but when he sees the control he has over your pleasure, and just how much pleasure he can give you, that might change his mind. Also, the smell and taste go away quickly when you're down there going to town, so the initial pungency will fade quickly. Another thing that may help is trying a 69. He may be more willing to give, at least initially, if he's receiving at the same time. I know that's the route I had to go with my ex. She hated giving oral, and the only time I could get her to do it was with a 69.
What amazes me is that he could be so selfish for having never had a lover before. When I lost my virginity my GF told me that oral was expected. I didn't mind because once I learned what I was doing, I loved it. She was good about giving it back too. That may be part of the problem. He's done it once ever, he is probably self conscious about doing it right. Let him know that you'll be happy to teach him, and that it is something good lovers do. Good lovers give more than they receive. It's time for him to give a little more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Wow? you are so lucky? i would love to get a guy who;s first is myself. enjoy the love and say thank to god. he is kind to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Form reading this it sounds like that he is a very selfish lover. If you are going out of your way to give him oral - and I know you said you don't mind, he is not giving anything back. Some men just don't like it, but would at least try more than once. And some men don't like it the first time but get used to it and used to the taste. How is he with his hands? Would he try to give you pleasure that way? What about when you have intercourse, do you tend to initiate most of the time and when yo do get to it how long does it last? At least you are trying and willing to try things. Perhaps he is not confident and feels inexperienced next to you. Maybe you could try to do other things than intercourse or oral - just some long sessions of foreplay - but hold off giving him oral this time. Use your hands on him then guide his hands on you and show him what you like. When telling him what you like and how you would like to try things - don't start with 'you never do this or you never do that...' instead just say - this is how I like it - maybe show him by masturbating in front of him or something. Keeping the communication open between you is important and maybe think of ways where you can boost his confidence. It sounds like you have a lot of patience and hope that eventually it will pay off, but he is not a mind reader and men do need to be taught how to please and tease a woman - even the most experienced men - because all women are different!
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