A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First of I was married for 7 years I have two boys they r young 3 and 7. I divorced my husband can give a straight reason we just didn’t get along couldn’t work as a team. It was like we where against each other all the time. He was depressed and I was depressed. We divorced and I jumped into a relationship with someone else and it was crazy but he was amazing to me. My ex wanted me back but I was angry and hurt so I didn’t go back. Now he is still depressed hating life and missing his family and I’m constantly feeling like it’s my fault I should have tried harder for my family because I feel so bad for leaving him in such a bad state. What can I do to help him or get over the guilt. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend he has helped me so much
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depressed, divorce, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): From your followup and from thinking about your question more, I do believe your guilt has a reason. In your original question you say "I divorced my husband and I cannot give a straight answer why"That to me tells me that you did NOT have enough reason to give up on the marriage, ESPECIALLY when two children are involved and will hurt long-term even if they are not showing it now. You said VOWS to this man, the only legit reasons for leaving are truly if you are truly and utterly incompatible, fighting all the time OR there was cheating involved. It doesn't sound like either here. You BOTH could have and should have worked on things for the sake of your kids. Should you go back...would you be able to work on things together if you went back? or would there now be too much resentment on both sides?Start counselling with your ex-husband and see if there is a chance this can be resolved for your kids' sake.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2018):
 You cannot change the past and you cannot be held responsible for your ex feeling depressed. All you can do is be a good mother, and put yourself and your children first. It sounds like your children are happy and that is the main thing. There dad might need professional help but he can only help himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love my ex always will but I don’t think he is the best choice for me. My children love there dad but they also see how well me and my boyfriend get along and my oldest even says he likes me with my bf because he isn’t grumpy all the time. I just have a lot of guilt and wish I had done things different. If I could have just tried harder
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018): I don't have an easy answer for you. I think this is something that a lot of people go through, in one form or another. I am going through a similar thing although I was not married but it was a long term relationship. Like you and your ex, we loved each other very much but fought all the time, we were both really hot headed, and trying to analyze it looking back it is hard to say where the blame should fall...no one's fault really, just the way our personalities came together. But I STILL feel like a failure, feel like if I had loved him better, or better soothed him better during fights, maybe we would still be together. But on the other hand I have to remember why I was drawn into the fighting, how toxic his sarcasm was, and how easy it was for BOTH of us to blow up at each other...
Getting into another relationship while still wounded happens A LOT. You are human and we seek companionship, especially when wounded and alone. I still think of my ex-bf all the time, I still feel guilt and even moreso the more I fall for someone new. I imagine you are going through a similar thing.
What you have to decide is...IF you went back to your ex husband, would your relationship have a fighting chance at changing? OR is it inevitable that it would go back to bickering and no support? Is it something that you both long for IN THEORY, but IN PRACTICE the two of you just can't work out? Because hey, if you COULD have worked it out I bet that you BOTH would have worked hard to save that relationship before the separation.
HOWEVER ...you do have 2 boys with this man. If you can save the relationship you owe it to your boys to try. Your new boyfriend might be great but he will never be the father.
BUT if you CANNOT save the relationship just be thankful for the new support you have in your life.
I know that is a tough question because it is impossible to know for sure if you could save a broken relationship or not....so tough.
Meditate. Talk to family, friends. Think things through maybe with a counsellor.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018): You really should be most concerned about the harmful effects that your impulsive, reckless actions have had on your children. Breaking up their home for no good reason, rebuffing their father's attempts at reconciliation for your own selfish reasons, and immediately bringing a random stranger into their lives has already caused them much hurt yet you are more concerned about your boyfriend's feelings.
Any parent who puts his/her love life and boy/girlfriend above the children's long-term best interests and emotional well-being is abusive and neglectful.
At this time the best possible solution might be giving your ex primary custody of the kids, so you can spend all your time worrying about not hurting your boyfriend without having to concern yourself with them.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (18 January 2018):
If you no longer love your ex husband do not go back to him. You are not responsible for his unhappiness. Except for taking his children from him but that happens to all most all men in divorce.
You can encourage him to seek help for his depression and help him maintain a relationship with his children. But other than that he needs to take responsibility for his life.
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