A
male
age
41-50,
texpsych
writes:I really have no one to ask about this. Okay, I'm 40, I've been married, had several relationships, etc. I'm not new to the whole relationship thing is what I'm trying to say, I guess.But, about 2 months ago, our office got a new employee. She's 26, very smart, funny, gorgeous. We clicked immediately. We went out a few times, kissed, had sex once etc. Then we both realized that it just couldn't work on that level because of a multiplicity of factors. Fine, I get that, no problem.My issue is that she calls me every night, and has since we met, and talks to me for hours. I never get bored, it's entertaining and I enjoy it. But I hate being the "gay" friend she feels totally unthreatened by while she talks about other guys. I get really jealous and I can't seem to stop feeling very strong feelings for her. Granted, I know intellectually my feelings are pointless and futile, but they're there. We got very close, very quickly. I feel so torn. She's great, I love her to death. But, the pain I feel when I talk to her is balanced by the fear and pain I feel when we argue and then DON'T talk. Either way, I'm going to be hurt. I have tried for years now to avoid that feeling. I have no idea why I suddenly just opened up. I hate it. Anyway, the question is:Since I'm damned if I talk to her, and damned if I don't, what the hell do I now? BTW, I've had major depression since I was 19, and either choice I try to make only drives me deeper into the dark.
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male
reader, texpsych +, writes (13 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. Well, it's not working as well as expected. My phone service is messing up and so we haven't talked for about a week now. I'm obsessing on who she's calling and what she's doing. I can't stop thinking about it because I see her every day. I wonder if I should get another job, because this is really messing me up inside.
A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (8 May 2008):
I am glad things worked out so well XD A great friendship is something precious indeed
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Your very aware of your feelings, and this is very important in protecting you in the future. Knowing what you want and don't want, and when seeing what you don't want appear, to save your sanity latter, you must act now to protect it.
Take care!
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A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (8 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the great responses. I really appreciate it. She and I had a very long talk last night, and I basically just laid it all out for her. She wasn't exactly surprised. She's very mature for 26. While talking to her I realized that the person I had liked so much was just an idealized 'savior' that would pull me out of the wreckage of my isolation.
But, I realize that was all just an illusion. She has been very patient and objective. We're going to keep working on our friendship. Both of us are going to try to change the way we interact so that it will be easier. She won't talk about her love life, and I won't worship the ground she walks on. Fair trade.
I keep reading how the friend zone is hideous and that any man that stays in it is an idiot. I can't agree, because I really need a friend like her, and I think it would be foolish in the extreme to just throw away a relationship that can be so rewarding if I just stop being such a weenie about it. I mean, good lord, I'm 40 years old, not 16. I told her also that I've isolated myself from relationships (emotional ones, not necessarily sexual ones) due to pain in the past, and I think she just triggered something that made the emotions I was bottling up just roar out of me.
Anyway, thanks so much. Didn't mean to rant so long.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (7 May 2008):
The dreaded friend zone, man do I ever hate that place trust me its not just men that get caught there!
LonelyTwo makes good points
If you can see her as just a buddy and move on aka get yourself out in the dating world again that's great. You don't have to seriously date and don't if you aren't over her or ready, but for fun so long as you don't lead anyone on it could be good for you. At least start living your life again, hanging out with your mates and such, doing things you love etc.
If you can't I don't think it means your shallow, it is hard to stay friends with someone you really like and have strong feelings for (especially if you were once intimate). You have to do what's best for you and your sanity though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Men and women each have their needs that need to be met.
What your experiencing, is the pain of not having someone; the emotional connection; the intimacy both mental and physical.
Can you see her as a buddy only? I know it will be hard to, after having sex, the intimacy is hard to turn off.
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A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (6 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and I am deeply entrenched in the "friend zone". I've been told there is no escape from that. She doesn't flirt with me, and we've stopped going out as a "couple" even as a couple of friends. We can go in groups. She's very paranoid about people from work gossipping. It's all very private. I really think telling her how I feel would be pointless at this juncture. She knows. We tried the FWB deal, and that's when we decided it wouldn't work.
As women, what would make you want to talk to someone for hours every night if you weren't dating them? She says it's because I'm very non-judgmental and she feels safe talking to me.
There really isn't an answer other than either waiting and seeing how it will evolve. I'll just have to deal with it. I just wish my freaking depression didn't make it worse.
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A
female
reader, Jen86  +, writes (6 May 2008):
Age is no barrier to love. However u say that she's emotionally distant and ur touchy feely. Ur not being shallow u just like human connection. If u r genuinely atracted to her and she to u compromise. The kids may be a bit of a problem. u say it freaks her out t may have just been the initial shock.
To be honest u pair sound like me and my boyfriend. He can't stop cutching me or holding my hands and i can b so distant. We're still going strong and there have been a few things that have freaked me out but because i love him i got used to it. SHe will as well if u 2 give it a chance.
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A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (6 May 2008):
texpsych is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick and insightful answers. She's pretty aware that I'm still kind of not cool with talking about other men. But, it's not that she's dating anyone. I just hear about the guys in the office that email her or flirt with her, etc
The problem really isn't her, it's me. She's very open and we've been very honest and open with each other. I guess I just need to deal with it. It's a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I've only known her since February, and you'd think we'd dated for years.
As far as what factors limit our relationship- we work closely together, she's a lot younger, I have children (14 and 16) and that freaks her out, she's very emotionally distant and I'm very touchy feely...etc
We would be horrible in a relationship. You know, I think I'm just being a guy and wanting the physical part as well as the friendship part. Wow, I'm shallow. Well, guess my question is answered. :)
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A
female
reader, Jen86 +, writes (6 May 2008):
Wat is gettin in the way of u being together? U said a multiplicity of factors.What are they? Tell her that u still feel for her. Whatever these factors are i'm sure they could be worked thru. This is only going to make ur depression worse unless ur honest about ur feeling as they will eat away at u.
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A
female
reader, lastgirlstanding +, writes (6 May 2008):
tell her that it hurts you, really it sounds simplistic, but don't sit there in agony. tell her that you like her a lot, she's a great girl and all the great things you said about her above and you know it won't work. but while you don't want to be "left out" of a part of her life, ts just too hard to listen to. tell her to give it some more time.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (6 May 2008):
I always think of it like this do you want a slow possibly never-ending death? Or do you want to just off with your head? I aways chose off with my head and the reason is b/c I know things have to change, and I also know that sometimes as scary as it might be change is a good thing, if you do nothing, nothing will change, you won't move on, you'll be stuck in this sort of hell and that's no good. But if you do something, just may be something good will happen and even if it doesn't at least now you can move forward and heal, and you will heal. To do nothing means that you just keep picking the scabs on your wounds and never let it heal, it want get better it'll just get more infected.
I'd say talk to her and be honest, say that you highly value her friendship and enjoy your conversations immensely and love her to death but that you are not made of stone, you do get jealous when she talks about the new men her life. While you are happy for her (if you are) you find it too painful and that you aren't one of her girlfriends. If you want to remain friends let her know with the caveat she respect your feelings on this matter, if you know its going to be too hard for you no matter what, then you'll have to say goodbye but only you know that.
She may not realize how much this hurts you and now you could lose her b/c if she knows you still have feelings for her she could just be too worried about leading you on, but then again she may just knock that part off but decide to continue with the friendship (which sounds like a wonderful one). Its time the emotional castration ended don't you think?
Make sure before you talk to her, you've got a support system in place, a friend, a therapist someone to help you through the dark period. Remember to not just stop living, you've got to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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