A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, this is kinda long, but I really need some opinions.Two years ago I met a guy, we'll call him B, through my boyfriend at the time (they were and are good friends). He had a g/friend at the time, so we just became really good friends. To be honest, from the moment I met him there was certainly something there for me - I was attracted to him physically and his personality and mine definitely clicked. But, I was "in love" at the time, so I was just psyched to have a good friend in him.His relationship ended, but mine progressed. I moved in with my boyfriend thinking we would get married. But, our relationship started going sour and we ended up breaking up (he broke up with me). I was devasted and turned to B for comfort. After about a month of telephone convos with him consoling me, we talked one night, having had a few drinks in us each and our feelings for each other came out. Truthfully, we talked for 5 1/2 hours that night and ended up having phone sex. I was SO lost and confused as I was still getting over my ex, that I told B I needed time and space and proceeded to not talk to him (in any way - phone, text, email, etc.) for 4 months.After 4 months, I decided to get back in touch with him - I was over my ex, but realized I truly missed having B in my life. I sent him an email and we chatted a little over the computer and he told me to call him that night. I did and he told me that it was so great to hear my voice again, that he had missed talking to me and had never stopped being my friend, but was being respectful and giving me the space I requested. Then he told me despite the fact that we hadn't talked in 4 months, his feelings for me had NOT changed, and he still cared as more than just friends.We started talking here and there, but it was very hot/cold. We never saw each other, we do live in different states, but only about 1 1/2 hrs. from each other. Finally, we saw each other, very briefly, but it was great. We kissed and talked and it was incredible. Then, he came to an event I had in my hometown and immediately he said we need to figure out what we're doing because he needed to know if he should tell my ex or not - that he was at a point where he didn't care, he was going to say "this is how it is, you can either be my friend or not". I was flattered, but felt we just started actually hanging out and bringing in the ex would only put more pressure on us, so I told him to hold off until we saw where this was going.Well, since then 2 months have passed. We have progressed to talking EVERY single day. In fact, he went away for a few days with his family, and called me every day with them. We talk in the mornings, usually, throughout the day and every night before going to bed - most nights we fall asleep on the phone together. We never run out of things to say - the other night we talked for almost 5 hours on the phone?!Whenever he is in my state for work, he makes it a point to see me - a lunch or a dinner, whatever. He has come up to hang out a couple of weekend nights. He has some family/friends in my state and has invited me to hang out with them. He did, tho, call me out on not putting in the same amt. of effort as him (granted he is always the one to call me and he was always coming here vs. me going to him). So, I went to his place one weekend and it was great. We hung out, went to dinner, I stayed over - we hooked up, but he told me he's not ready to have sex with me...I've been confused as to what we are - we haven't had "the talk", but I know there's no one else in his life and I know he cares greatly for me. He's even thrown out the "L" word a few times...I'm sure more as a friend than as I'm IN LOVE with you...but, it def. shows he cares. There's no time for anyone else, between us talking all the time, even when he goes out with friends he'll call/text me. Also, if he goes out and there's other girls with them, he's quick to tell me how he's not interested whatsoever, physically or emotionally...but he doesn't say we're together - exclusively. He does admit we are dating...one time we were on the phone and he kept saing how we are "friends" then he finally said "or maybe more than friends".But things still seem to be going great. In fact, the other night during our long convo, he opened up to me about some upsetting things in his past - he was even getting emotional on the phone - and he admitted to not having talked about it for years with anyone. He went out recently with his uncle and told me how he told him about me...said that there was this girl...he even told me how he's SO happy in his life right now - for varioius reasons, being work is great, he loves his home, he's so excited to be hanging out with me...Recently, he's taken on a second job - his first is extremely successful, but his second is the icing on teh cake for him - he has big life goals and sees this as the way to make them happen. I am THRILLED for him, proud of him, excited for him. But it means an already SUPER busy person, is even more busy...so there's less time for me. I know he's the type of person taht does everything at 100% - including relationships. So, I worry he's not ready for a committed relationship cause he knows he stretched pretty thin already. He is def. keeping up the phone conversations, but seeing each other has slimed a bit...For about the past month he's wanted me to get involved in this 2nd biz w/ him, but I've been worried about mixing biz/pleasure...needless to say he finally convinced me, and promised me this would never be the ONLY reason he talked to me. And, it's certainly not. I'm excited because I believe in the biz, and it allows us to be more involved with each other.But, I still want to see him outside of this venture -and MORE. I'm ready to progress the relationship, but not sure how to tell him that...I don't want to pressure him in any way; truthfully, we both believe..if a relationshp is too much work, it's not right. Your personal life should be easy and stress-free (well as much as possible) 'cause there's aleady too much stress in life; so I don't want to get all hung up on "why don't we call each other boyfriend/girlfriend?" or "why can't you make more time for me?" I mean, I know his schedule, it's nuts and he does talk to me as much as possible in between...Also, I overheard him refer to me as his "wife" to his roommate once...which a lot of people said is typical for a guy to say that meaning g/friend...and I'm meeting his whole family tomorrow night...although it's not just the two of us going, it's like a big seminar, but he's def. made it clear that meeting the family progresses things...I dunno, I'm confused - any idea/suggestions? I really care about this guy, more so than anyone before, so I want to do what's right for both me AND him...???
View related questions:
broke up, moved in, my ex, phone sex, roommate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): This guy is hiding something which doesn't necessarily mean something bad. Something is holding him back,something that has happened in his past. Or it may be that's he's old fashioned and has high morals and doesn't want sex until he's sure. I had a partner like that once. I was on the verge of giving up on him when it suddenly all happened when he was ready. He clearly thinks the world of you and has great respect for you. See how it goes with his family tomorrow. You may be able to glean a bit of information just by being in his home environment and listening carefully to how his family are with him. You may be able to get some info from a sibling. Good luck, I hope it turns out well for you.
|
