A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a first for me, asking for help on the Internets. Thank you in advance for reading and or responding. My question is whether the issue that I will describe below can be 'fixed', whether I need to separate with a view to trying to save our marriage, or just be a man and ask for a divorce saving worse heartache in the future for both of us.This story should be great, but it's turned into a mess. We got married back in September. I am in my late thirties, she is in her late twenties, neither have been married previously, and we have no kids. We met about 3 years ago, while she was at law school, and I was immediately attracted to her for her amazing looks, sparkling personality and intellect. It wasn't long before we fell in love. She moved in about a year later just before starting at a big law firm.The first warning sign perhaps was that the sex itself wasn't as natural and easy as it should be. She has issues with confidence and I thought that this would improve with time and wanted to try and make the right decision as I could see settling down with her long into old age as we got on so well. What I know now, as she has just been diagnosed with it, is that she has extreme generalized anxiety disorder. But I didnt know this until recently, but she was being treated (for OCD) as it turns out she has a long history of issues, which she was not forthcoming with. After starting at her law firm, our relationship started going downhill, she would work 7 days a week, and expect me to look after her, cooking for her and do all the chores. She became self absorbed and took me, her family and friends for granted. She was incredibly unhappy at her job, and went through bouts of depression. Her medication for OCD, didnt seem to help much with the stress and lack of sleep. She admitted that she had been using me as an emotional punchbag. I thought that I could deal with it. As she was so unhappy that she agreed to leave her job before the end of the year.All this considered, we got engaged, and I thought that things would improve when she left her job. It was taking a huge toll on our relationship to the point that sex was very infrequent, maybe once a month in her first yr and then less than half that in 2012. Cut a long story short, my relationship to her has changed from being one of being two adults, to one where I am a father figure and she is a child. Once she left her job things got worse. She became depressed, she would cry all the time, she hurt herself, cut herself, and has been a shadow of her former self. We had to get her help and her family helped. She has finally been diagnosed properly and seems to be getting the right help and support. But, I fear that the damage has been done. We were seeing a relationship counselor prior to and after getting married. Not sure that helped much. I literally now have zero sexual attraction to her, to the point that the couple of times when we have tried to have sex (including honeymoon) I have not got an erection (I dont have ED though). Her response is so bad (spends the rest of the evening crying), that I have performance anxiety. I am now wondering what her prognosis is, whether I should be resigned to this for the rest of my life, whether she really can get better, and can I regain my sexual attraction to her?Now for the final kicker, is that I have developed feelings for my ex (again). Nothing has happened, but we have met up occasionally, but she represents everything that I want, a happy disposition, the potential to be a great mother, and a healthy sex life with insane chemistry. I know that she feels the same, and am starting to think that I made the wrong choice. I know that this is a case of the grass being greener - but this complicates things for me tremendously.Please help!
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female
reader, victoriou5 +, writes (9 February 2013):
You're right, I'm sorry. You are dealing with many levels of uncertainty at this time and it wasn't right of me to state it in such black and white terms.When my relationship was really in the dumps because of my lack of control over what is essentially my behavior (anxiety and depression), it was hard for my man to want to feel invested in such a train wreck that seemed to happen so quickly, all of a sudden things just started falling apart between us, mostly due to a lack of communication when it mattered the most.Things are said, actions are taken, wounds are opened. Fixing this is going to have to come from within you, assuming she's still very much in love with you and wants to be with you with no uncertainty, because in the end it's up to you to forgive her for the things she said and did at that time, and that goes the same way for her if you said anything you shouldn't have.I was watching this show not too long ago that was talking about mental conditions and states of mind. I found out that the brain activity of someone with a mental disorder (specific examples included schizophrenia and another I can't recall) closely matched the brain activity of a normal person under severe stress. I thought this was very interesting just from everything that it could imply about the situation and how she would be re/acting. Might be worth looking into.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Victoriou5 - given that you have a similar condition, thank you for responding. You mention support and reassurance as the ways in which a partner can help. I only wish that she had had this diagnosis, and hence therapy sooner. I spent two years doing my best to be supportive, and I think that I have been, all things considered. Not knowing about her issues though led to a lot of frustration as she could not respond logically to circumstances. All those months of frustration started leading to loss of respect and so on. I feel terrible now for having had those thoughts and emotions - but I did not know what I was dealing with. I can't go back and erase that, and ignore the way that she treated me. 100% agree that the relationship needs to be rebalanced and sorted out before the physical side has any chance of returning. I feel as though I should also respond to your question about the ex. First of all, yes, she knew from day one that we would hang out, occasionally, perhaps every 6 months or so, and I would tell her when we did. The last few times I did not though, as I did not want to provide for any raised level of anxiety. Ironically, it was only when I revealed how bad things got in my relationship did we really open up about the way we felt about each other. I am not proud of this. She however does not want to interfere and has since moved out of the area with strict instructions not to be in touch until I sort out my situation, one way or another. I have one question for you though. You state that if I am unsure, then maybe that is my answer. I am dealing with a huge amount of uncertainty at the moment, such as whether she will ever be like the person that I fell in love with, how would she deal with the stress of kids, will our children have similar issues, will she be happy, will she ever be a partner than can be an equal, will the bad light with which I view our relationship be reversed, can the love that I feel for her be shifted back to sexual desire, will I have to play the role of caregiver forever? There are so many things that I am unsure about now, which is why I feel lost. Yes, I feel unsure about her and the future of our relationship - but under the circumstances - I think that its understandable. Do you think that it is my answer though?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ciar - to answer your question, no, she has not become agoraphobic, depression has been the main thing that I have noticed. However, since new medication and therapy, that seems to be improving.
Her parents are wonderful, but her dad is/was an intellectual, so there may be something there. I went with her to therapy, and asked about childhood issues, but it sounds like the best thing is to not focus on that, as cause and effect appears to be hazy at best.
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A
female
reader, victoriou5 +, writes (8 February 2013):
As a woman who suffers from severe bouts of anxiety and control issues in my own life and relationship, I feel much empathy and sadness for your wife.I agree strongly with what Ciar said about the job being an important marker in her life as something that she controls and that gives her both the distraction from micro-managing as a coping mechanism for ocd as well as the satisfaction of accomplishing something productive. It's how I feel about my job.Self help is the least helpful thing out there for someone like that. Someone like her, like me, we need our partner's support more than anyone else's. Be there for her and give her the control she feels she's lacking, reassure and empower her. I wouldn't be shocked to hear that if you devoted more time and effort to her than you normally would that she might come around in ways that might surprise you, remember she is young and influential compared to you. The trick is to put the effort in the right order: don't try to fix your sex life until you've fixed your relationship on a more basic level.If you have any serious drive to stay with the woman, don't go behind her back and hang out with your ex. What is that? That's the behavior of a guilty child, like you're trying to evade the shame brought on by the desire of wanting to leave a broken toy for the shiny sparkly one. I don't think it takes much pondering to know whether you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your life and would do anything it takes to make that happen or not. You already know that answer. If you are unsure, then maybe that's your answer.However, I'd like to ask you this:Does your wife know you are seeing your ex occasionally? Have you considered how she might feel/react if she ever did find out (talk about giving someone anxiety while they're already having control issues...)? To what extent does your ex know about the situation with your wife? Does she know you're married? Does she know the hardships you are dealing with? Do you talk to her about it at all? Do you think she might be trying to lure you away from your wife by being there for you in this time of need while what she's really doing is forming a bond with you, just separating you from your wife even more? Do consider that this is your ex, not just another woman. She might still harbor ill intent for the woman who she sees as having taken away her man. That is, of course, if she's in the know.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (8 February 2013):
 Ultimately your wife's problem is a perceived lack of control. She's unable to set and maintain reasonable limits for herself without feeling as though she's letting everyone else down. Because of it, she's at everyone else's mercy and she compensates for this by micro managing the small things.
I am not surprised one bit to hear that her anxiety got worse after giving up her job. Her job gave her an income, which gave her some power and control and it kept her busy so she had less time to focus on herself and her fears.
Has she become agoraphobic since she stopped working?
Since this problem predates your courtship and marriage I'm guessing it has to do with her upbringing. Is she still intimidated by her parents? And/or does she have a sick or troubled sibling she grew up trying to compensate for?
I don't recommend you spend a lot of time and money studying her past. Her OCD is a coping mechanism and I just wondered what it was she had to cope with.
Regardless of her past, if she wants to be happy in the present, she must learn to think and act differently in the present. An assertive training course might help that. And maybe a self help group. Small successes on which she can build bigger successes....
To answer your question, yes, this is fixable. Maybe when it is, you`ll find your wife more attractive again so I wouldn`t throw in the towel just yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sageoldguy - any response that starts with 'back in Vietnam has my attention right away! But seriously, I think you hit the nail on the head, and one way or another, I am the collateral damage. She loves me desperately, and I hate hate hate to cause her more pain than she is in already, but equally, I don't think that either of us should expect, this to go on for ever. I just want to do the right thing. I very much appreciate your considered thoughts, thank you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 February 2013):
 I recall that, during the Vietnam War, some of the guys who served there would comment - about conditions there: "When you are up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to keep in mind that you went there to drain the swamp." Sounds like that applies to your conundrum.....
I suggest that you START by putting anything and everything that has/could or might happen between you and your ex- on "HOLD".... and address ONLY what's going on between you and wifey, for the time being....
As for that situation.... I think that she (wife) needs to be continually directed to professional care.... The woman you described has, over the time you're known - and been married to - her, has myriad personal issues.... and neither you, nor most any other "common" guy can hope to effect the resolution to HER problems... You ARE the "collateral damage" in her life....
If you do choose to stick things out with her... you clearly understand that the chances of her improvement are pretty slender..... So, the best you stand to "gain" in this matter is to be the martyr who stood by her in her travails....
I think your "real" question is: "Can I realistically expect this situation (your's and her marriage, vis-a-vis her behaviour) to change? Or, should I just "throw in the towel," get on with my life, and leave her to her's (life)?"
I'd give you a "pass" to walk away from this marriage....
Good luck....
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