A
female
age
51-59,
*loridacharlie
writes:Help....so confused iv been with my husband 24 years married 19 years two beautiful grow up children,over the past 10 years iv felt neglected unwanted unloved,i felt so low lack of confidence i started having affairs,i hate myself and feel discussed how i could go back to my husband after being in the arms of another man...iv never confessed to my husband as i feel this would kill him..we have tried relate to no avail...we recently separated and after just a few weeks i knew i could not live without him....i did not leave him for anyone else...we have talked and been away on holiday to try get the spark back....i really do love my husband,now after 6 months apart he wants me to move back into our home....im afraid...scared if i begin to feel as i did before and start messing about behind his back again....should i just walk away????
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affair, confidence, on holiday, spark, unloved Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Get professional help, for yourself, and for your marriage.
Tricky situation.
He probably suspects the affairs, but has some link with you that he doesn't want to end.
He may actually love you.
I'd better say that again, to make the point.
He may actually love you.
You say you have low self esteem, I believe you and you probably don't think you can be "really loved" because of this. Yet, he may actually love you more than you realize and may still be hoping that you two can work out your differences and improve the relationship in all areas.
But, you will need a lot of help to figure that out.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): First things first, Your husband has a right to know so he can decide if he still wants to be in this relationship. Dispite what the other posters have said. Not knowing is way worse than knowing.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 September 2010):
 In my opinion, someone who has serial cheated, will always be tempted to do so. You need to let your husband go, despite how much you love him. You do not love him enough to be sure you will be faithful. Maybe you are hanging on for security rather than love. It can be a tough thing to go it alone, when the thrill of any illicit affair has faded into the mist. You have tried RELATE and you said it didn't work. Holding onto your husband and a life raft is not fair and not right.
Be honest with yourself, you will always be tempeted, so why drag another human being down. If you felt unloved, you should have ended the marriage there and then.
This is my advice, whether you take it or not.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, slightlyconfusedhusband  +, writes (8 September 2010):
Never tell him you cheated on him. The only reason to ever do this, husband or wife, is to make yourself feel better, to come clean and hope for forgiveness. It will only break his heart. You messed up, let it eat you up inside. If you truly want to make him happy then keep your legs closed and seek help for your marriage. Or leave. If you decide to leave, then and only then tell him about the cheating. Do not seek alimony, you do not deserve it. If you stay, bear your burden in silence. This man invested a lot of his life in you, years that he will not get back. You owe it to him not to hurt him. You are already a rather despicable person, if you do anything other than what I just said plus atoning for your wrongdoing any way that you can you deserve much worse than I will say here.
Here is hoping you will do the right thing for the man you supposedly love, not necessarily the right thing for you.
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (8 September 2010):
 First off, stay away from temptation...don't allow yourself to hang around other men or be in places where they might approach you. Give it another chance. Focus on your husband, you said you loved him right? So try your best to take advantage of this second chance and if doesn't work out, you can take a breath and walk ahead with the knowledge that you gave it your best.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 September 2010):
 That's up to you, but sometimes if you don't try, you'll never know the outcome that could have been.
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A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (8 September 2010):
Walk away, you obviously cannot commit to him. So go on your way so he can get on with his life. If you love him let him go, or commit to him.
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A
male
reader, asilman +, writes (8 September 2010):
 The thing you should do is go to a professional and try to work out your differences. Dont tell him about the infidelity unless you absolutely have to. Let him know why you left and that the only way to save your marrage is to go through a program together. If he doesnt want to do that then maybey its best to walk away. Give him the chance to fix it though.
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