A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 10 years. When we first started living together she expressed her dislike for certain things in bed. She said she didn't care for sex toys, porn, and oral sex, among other things. We have a healthy sex life, however lacking spice at times. I know she makes herself do the oral part because she wants to make me happy. So, her spiteful ex-husband let it be known that she was more than a willing participant in plenty of sex involving sex toys, porn etc. in their 20 years of mariage. 20 years!!! When I gently asked my wife, she half heartedly confirmed it. I can tell she doesn't want to talk about. Anyway, I'm feeling stupid and a bit duped. Should I? Why do I get that ill feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think that she started our relationship setting new rules in bed. I really feel dumb. Especially when I think of how long she did those things with a man she claims she hates. What the hell?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): how old is your wife. you both have been married for 10 years, she was married to her ex for 20 years.
why set virginal rules in a second marriage? she is short changing you!
now she chooses:
no sex toys
no oral sex
no porn
no anal (although you do not mention this, i am sure this is also taboo for her)
so what will she do, only misionary? you are a very loving, patient man and you love her and respect her. so why cant she reciprocate??
lets not just jump and blame her ex husband for her decision not to have an active sex participation. perhaps her decision not to have an active sex life with you is justified but only she can give you the answers.
sometimes a woman feels guilty for enjoying sex and having orgasms. they feel guilty because they do not want the man in their lives to think that they have wanton behaviour. sometimes denying sexual satisfaction is a way of denying that you actually enjoy it.
how many women act wild in bed, (even with the light off) yet act all prim and proper and so "conservative" otherwise? they do not want to even acknowledge that they like sex and they do not talk about this. is your wife one of such women?
i think your wife is shy in acknowledging her sexual role because she doesnt want you to think low of her.
whatever the reason i still think that you are being shortchanged. you are a young man who is now settling for vanilla sex and with no variety and soon you will start resenting her.
i think the other aunts who have "attacked" your questioning is missing the point. you have every right to question tactfully and lovingly, which you have done. nothing worng with this.
-LoveGirl
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I am actually going to say something different. She's basically telling you, my ex is uncaring towards me, so now I am going to be uncaring towards you and I am going to make the rules whether you like it or not, because I can't face the past. What does that tell you? That every time she looks at a sex toy she's going to think about her ex. It's not that she hated her ex because the sex toys and the blowjobs made her cheap, it's that the break up made her feel bad about herself. Are you sure that all these years she had gotten over her ex? Why the need to mention sex toys at the beginning? It's like she's saying, please don't do anything to remind me of my ex, it's just painful. If you love her and want to make this work, realize that she needs to release the hurt she had repressed so she can be totally open to you. It's not really about the toys. It's about her connection to you. Even missionary sex can be exciting if she can have the right mindset. It's like she shut off part of herself to avoid getting hurt again.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (8 September 2010):
 You feel duped? Maybe she changed the rules because she doesn't like those things?
Do you want to be like her ex husband and have her hate you too?
She doesn't like those things, he probably forced her. Why do you think she hates him?
Maybe you should try and think of it from her point of view.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I really do not know how to say it much better than the previous posters had
he is her ex for a reason and she is with you for a reason sex is a huge part of a relationship and she LEFT HIM
think about it! seriously if it was that good with him why did she leave him?
why is she still with you if you think she enjoyed it more?
this man is just trying to make you feel jealous
enjoy what you have because if you make her feel bad about this you won't have her plain and simple
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Ermmm, You've kind of missed the point,
Her EX, the MAN SHE HATES.
This is so typical a male ego thing, you think that the ex husband has had it better!!! coz she was weak willed and for 20 years she did things that she dint enjoy, which made her hate him, which made him her ex.
You knew when you met her that she dint like these things, how did she know she didn't them? coz she experienced them......, 10 years later, you find out that she had done these things with her ex, for 20 years, and rather than think, "awww poor love was put thru that, no wonder she hates him", you think, boo hoo hooo, poor me, I dont get to play.
so i end this in your words,
WHAT THE HELL!!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I have a couple of questions.
First, how did you get into a sex conversation with her ex? That seems to be a bit weird. Also, her ex of course will embellish the idea of his ex being some sort of adventurous sex nympho just to undermine you. I'm sure it didn't go down like he said.
Also, and this is a bigger point, if your wife changed the rules when she met you, so to speak, it was because she did NOT enjoy doing these things with her ex. If she had, she would have held onto the "spice", so to speak, with you.
One BIG reason a wife gives up a husband is because he's a selfish SOB in bed who DEMANDS, DEMANDS, DEMANDS yet doesn't reciprocate.
One thing your wife should NOT have to answer to you on is what sexual practices she was into with someone else before she met you. That is like pouring salt into her wounds that her ex inflicted and is STILL inflicting by using you.
Do you know why she changed the rules? It's so that the sex she has with you is REAL and not things she has to do out of a sense of duty or obligation. She probably felt trapped and imprisoned by using porn, sex toys, and all of that because he was probably emotionally blackmailing her into thinking that she would lose him if she didn't. Guys have a way of guilting and coercing their women into fulfilling porn fantasies.
She felt cheap with the ex, or she would still be with him. Do not put her back in hell by demanding that she perform the same acts on you because she "did it" for her ex. It is NOT because she loved him more than you.
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