A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I began dating my now fiancé 7 years ago when we were 18. We both had very strong Catholic morals, including both being extremely against any form of smoking. Well, I found out he has lied to me for over a year and has started to smoke weed on occasion - "with the guys" which could vary from once a month to 3 times a week. I randomly called him out on it when I was trying to be more relaxed about things in general, and he admitted to it and didn't feel bad about lying to me because he said I would have flipped out and it would have made me so upset and anxious and nothing good would have come from it. I had no idea he was doing it for so long, but I was so upset that he would lie and that he said he's not giving it up because he likes it so much. I'm trying to accept it, but I constantly go back and forth in my head about it, and it's causing me anxiety every day thinking about it, especially because we are getting married in 6 months, and my mind can't help but go to negative thoughts about what this could mean for our future with living together (the smell makes me nauseous) and for having kids. I used to be invited to a lot of "guys nights", but this has recently entirely stopped because him and his friends smoke. It makes me really uncomfortable to think about, but he doesn't think it's a big deal at all and insists I don't make it into a big deal, therefore, he's not stopping. He enjoys it and all his friends do it- some more than others. He gets really mad at me when we discuss it and can't stand talking about it anymore. I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 February 2015):
 You already know your answer. You just need the courage to do it before you hit older age and waste your youth on the guy.
You said this:
"he doesn't think it's a big deal at all and insists I don't make it into a big deal, therefore, he's not stopping. He enjoys it and all his friends do it- some more than others. He gets really mad at me when we discuss it and can't stand talking about it anymore."
You can't set limits on him. You can't issue an ultimatum. You can't cajole, persuade, yell, demand, bribe, blackmail, or entreat him to quit, because he has already chosen weed. His choice is in the past, so the sooner you come to grips with making YOUR choice, the sooner you can move on with your life.
You are now incompatible. If you marry him, if you stay with him, then you are fully signing off on this man as an ongoing weed smoker. Once you decide to stay with him and/or marry him, you are saying "I fully accept that weed will be a full part of our marriage and my life. I accept you as you are, and wish to live with you and embrace your choice to continue smoking weed".
In other words, if his smoking weed is a dealbreaker for you, then you can't spend another day with him. Getting HIM to change is off the table forever. You need to decide whether YOUR FUTURE will include weed. You're thinking ahead here - having kids, talking to them about drugs, job stability and ambition, all of that stuff. You need to remove your boyfriend/fiance from the equation now.
If you want a drug free future, it will be a HIM-free future. I say you're young enough to not waste anymore time. College is done. Hanging with buddies in a cloud of smoke is done for you. You need someone whose sum total of life's pursuit isn't to sacrifice his life on the altar of weed.
And personally, I'm not against weed! I've never smoked it, but someone who smokes weed should be with someone who's okay with it, and you are not, just as someone with issues regarding alcohol or drinking shouldn't be with a partner who drinks, and the partner who drinks shouldn't be with someone who wants no part of that. Same with weed. You'd be doing your boyfriend a favor by leaving him, because if you want a weed-free life, and he's *this* adamant about weed being a part of his life, then he needs a girl who feels the same way he does, plain and simple, just like you need a guy who chooses to not have it in his life.
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I was at college with 5 potheads around your age. They were fairly nice people when they weren't high, but they'd come into college and go to work high and most tried other drugs because they enjoyed the feeling weed gave them. I know that two from that group turned into addicts. By addict, I don't mean that they do it all day, every day, but every other day, and neither will go to rehab because they don't *want* to stop and would still get it even if they were told it could kill them soon. The feeling that weed gives is addictive to many people - not necessarily physically, but psychologically.
I wouldn't let anyone who smokes weed (for any reason other than prescribed medical treatment) anywhere near my future children - for that reason, I wouldn't marry a weed smoker.
Your fiancée lied about it and will only continue trying to hide it better, in my opinion, if you give him a "me or the weed" ultimatum.
I think you have two options here: leave for good and find someone who is more compatible with you, or stay with (and probably marry) a guy who will most likely continue this for several years and who you can't trust to be honest.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I smoke weed daily. I think it should be legal like alcohol.
BUT my children are grown and out of the house and I did not smoke when I was bearing children or raising children.
I can stop smoking as needed but my husband is currently detoxing from alcohol and weed and he reports he is irritable and cranky and hungry and nervous and feels like crap. He is pretty sure it's the pot detox as they gave him drugs to help with the alcohol withdrawal.
A person can DIE from alcohol withdrawal and it needs to be treated differently. A person can just STOP smoking pot and while they will miss it and feel crappy it won't kill them.
Now that I've given you my take on this let me say that IF he thinks there is nothing wrong with smoking pot, and you DO NOT AGREE, then you have a FUNDAMENTAL difference in how you few life and this may create major problems.
The key is that HE HAS LIED TO YOU. He knows this is a deal breaker (or he thought it was--you not leaving him the first time you found out means he knows he can get away with it) IF he can bald face lied to you about this what ELSE can he lie to you about?
I do not find weed a "gateway drug" for most users who are beyond the "experimentation" stage.
In this case, the fact that he is "doing it with the guys" that he is LYING about it to you, that he knows it bothers you and yet he refuses to stop, and the fact that his use is escalating, along with his age, leads me to worry that in his case at least, it's a gateway to other drugs and bad behaviors.
So, if you stay with him, he will smoke weed. You can mandate that he not do it in your home but that's about all you can control.
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you now. If it is you tell him, "I love you but your choices are not acceptable to me, therefore I need to end this relationship as long as you are smoking pot."
THEN YOU LEAVE. you walk away and don't go back till he's quit.
It's hard and it's scary. But what will you do if he escalates from smoking pot to doing another drug that puts you in danger? That's what happened to me. My husband's drinking put me in danger. and i dealt with it for 4 years and as it escalated I was in more and more danger being with him. I am not saying this will happen for you but it's always a chance with drug use.
Finally he got arrested for his behavior and I refused to pay his bail unless he went to rehab and gave up his drinking. He agreed. So losing me was his bottom line.
Now you have to figure out if you are brave enough to find out if you are worth more to him than his drug that you don't want him to use (which is fine)
you have every right to set limits on any relationship you are in. A limit of "NO DRUGS" is perfectly acceptable. IF he does not agree, that's his choice.
If you are interested I strongly urge you to check out Al-anon as a support system for learning to take care of yourself while enmeshed with a drug or alcohol user.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 You should break off the engagement. This IS a big deal, whether your boufriend wants to or not. Lying and deceiving is a big deal, as is doing drugs. I dont know about the laws where you live, but weed is an illegal drug in many countries. So it is a big deal, and he might also be addicted. This will not only make you ill because of the smell... It will also affect the relationship, your finances (!!) and and future plans (kids and smoke dont mix well).
He has showed you that he lies easily... Because he knows what he is doing is wrong. So rather than stop, or discuss it with you, he lies. This is a big deal. Do not try to dismiss it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 February 2015):
 You know a wedding ring is NOT going to make him stop smoking weed right?
And that NOT everyone are capable of holding down a job while smoking weed ( many are, but those are usually the ones who smoke it for medical reasons). He might not even be able to hold on to his driver license if he drives under the influence and gets caught or gets in a wreck.
You write:
" We both had very strong Catholic morals"
OBVIOUSLY he doesn't have those when it comes to weed. Or when it comes to lying.
In his book it's OK for him to lie to you, because the truth would upset you.... Don't you find that HYPOCRITICAL?
I know there are people out there who can handle weed, unfortunately I have only seen how it has wrecked lives. The same with out of control drinking.
You HAVE to be sure you CAN live with him & the weed IF you still intend on marrying him. If not, you should postpone or cancel the wedding, as you two are NOT on the same page.
Sorry, honey
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