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I'm a lesbian, then what's with my feelings for this man?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 May 2012) 10 Answers - (Newest, 26 May 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi aunts and uncles. I'm in a bit of a crazy dilemma here. First off, I'm a 29 year old lesbian woman, holder of a PhD in Electrical Engineering. So I'm not an idiot. I also don't want kids, so I'm not really worried about my age.

Since I was a very little girl, I knew I was different. Different in what other little girls should be doing with their time. While a little girl would normally play tea party and dress up, I would cut my Barbies' hairs and make them kiss other girl Barbies, and do boy things like play kickball. As I got older, I started to get very confused because while other girls were getting their first crushes on the boys in class, I was thinking about why they weren't looking at me like that. I'm not transgendered, though. I know that I am a woman and I am completely comfortable with that. When I was 13, however, I met a 12 year old girl who felt the same way as me. We were both so very confused and weren't sure why we felt the way we felt but we were both early developers and we wanted to see each other. We showed each other our parts and when she asked to touch me, I let her. And I touched her back and it felt amazing.

We started dating that day. And dated up until I was a junior and she was a sophomore in high school. We loved each other so very much but then she moved three states away because her father took a high-paying job. At that time, we still hadn't come out to either of our parents and that was something we wanted to do together. Unfortunately, her family is extremely religious and that thought always scared the shit out of her. However, my family (as big as it is) has always been the family to actually be supportive and mean it. (Out of the seven of us kids, three of us are gay.) So, before she left (and before our inevitable break up when I was 17 and she was 16), we came out to my parents and their first reaction was, "That's not news to us but if you're happy, we're happy." Wasn't exactly the reaction I was hoping to get but a helluva lot better than what my ex would get from her family.

She decided not to come out until she was 20 and dating her college room mate. And for good reason. Their reaction was plain and simple: 'Never welcomed back again and cut off from any funds including college.' A month later, her older brother came out as well. Then her father committed suicide because he couldn't handle the fact that he produced two gay kids. Which gave me mixed feelings because he WAS my ex's father but he was one of the worst tempered men I'd ever met in my life. Very abusive to his wife and kids but his wife was very tolerant of it.

Anyway... Now it's been nearly a decade since his funeral in which my first love shed not a single tear and her mother told her and her brother that they killed their father with their "faggot sins" and will burn in hell for eternity (it was a bright and sunshiny day). I hope you read the sarcasm in that. The sick karma in her statement is that she died in a car accident (hit by a drunk driver) three years later. I wanted to feel sympathy but I simply couldn't. Turns out, none of the rest of her family was as extremist, so she and her brother were accepted with open arms.

Back to my point, I've had several girlfriends since I was 17. And I'm still physically and emotionally attracted to them but now I'm starting to feel that way about men. Particularly, a man I've known since I was 19 and in a Chemistry class with. He and I became practically best friends and were even room mates for the remainder of our college years after we discovered we were both Electrical Engineering majors. We were the perfect complement to each other because in whatever I excelled, he didn't do so well in and vice versa.

A lot of people think we ought to get together but they also know I am a lesbian. Which is why I'm so very confused right now because I've NEVER had feelings like this for a man. He's a very good guy, too. Respectful, has met my family the way a couple of my more serious ex girlfriends have, he's extremely intelligent and witty (basically me), and just about the funniest guy I've ever met. He's supportive of the Progressive Liberal movement and views himself as such and has gone with me to several gay pride parades. And... neither of us are pot heads nor are we tree-hugging hippies. Whoda thunk???

So my question is and after all this blabber: What to do with these new found feelings?

View related questions: best friend, crush, drunk, ex girlfriend, lesbian, my ex, roommate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012):

Your story is why I believe that our sexuality fluctuates. To me, we are on a continuum. Have you heard about the Kinsey scale? Well, I think that it's a good way of visualizing our attractions. I also think that for some people nothing is definite when it comes to sexuality.

Do check the link below.

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-hhscale.html

Follow your heart, and see where it goes. ;)

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (23 May 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI am a mostly heterosexual woman with bi-sexual tendencies. I enjoy sex with women but my primary partner is male... always has been.

I for many years considered myself heterosexual only... it was not till I was in my mid 30s I accepted that I was bisexual.

I have chosen at this point to be monogamous with a man but I do miss what I term "girl play" now and again.

I think that you possibly are primarily lesbian in your orientation but that your ability to be fluid with your sexuality is coming out so to speak.

IF you are not currently in a committed relationship and want to see where it goes with this guy as long as you are above board and honest with him about your primary orientation and he's happy to accept it, I say go for it.

And forget about labels.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (23 May 2012):

I think stamps like "lesbian" don't always cover everything. In the end, you are attracted to whomever you're attracted to and even if that isn't consistent with what you experienced before, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Why not give this guy a shot and see where it leads? Like others have mentioned, some things may surface at an early age, some things come later. Nature doesn't hold stamps in account. So if you want to, go for it! Sounds like you two are a good fit!

P.s. happy to hear it all ended well for your ex. What a horrible situation for her (and her brother) to grow up in!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012):

The truth is, our own genes and pheromones determine who we are attracted to. If you are both attracted to each other in some magnetic seemingly inexplainable way...you are likely highly compatible from a biological viewpoint.

Whether you choose to date and see if you really are compatible long-term or choose to remain close friends, please remember that a person's sexuality is rarely as simple as identifying as homo or hetero, trans, bi, etc. Sexuality is a spectrum, not an identity.

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A female reader, LittleMonster United States +, writes (22 May 2012):

LittleMonster agony auntI think you're Bi-curious. You may be confusing your good friendship with a relationship.

Do you feel the same attraction to him as you feel for a girl? If so, then you're Bisexual.

About you liking girls from a very young age, maybe you didn't come across a man like him before and now find him attractive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012):

I'd say simply...go forward with your new found feelings and see how things go :) and guys dig girls who have lesbian tendencies, more over they don't feel jealousy for a lesbian's past.

if i were grown up in a country like US i might have ended up lesbian too.

most girls have lesbian tendencies physically..my 1st experiment was with a girl at 12 and i did get physically excited!i was sexually forward too i'd been masturbating since a kid .. but then i stopped my self and didn't bother much about my sexuality,for the next many yrs.. infact i didn't know that lesbianism existed and there were others who did what i had done.But when i grew up at around 15-16 i understood that i am fully straight.

but i know very well that if i had continued to act upon my lesbian tendencies between 12-15, i would have become both emotionally and physically lesbian.

sexual orientation is not born with you! it develops due to certain experiences and actions..love can happen between any two people ..love is in reality quite a complex psychologically developed thing ...and sexuality is also developed by individuals ..let me tell you from my experience that both emotionally and physically these feelings are man-made..and sometimes even a habit.

transexuality may be biological..but sexual orientation is not!!!

i did not have a crush on any guy..infact i never got attracted to men by myself..it is only when they try and make me fall for them ,and after physical intimacy..that i developed feelings for my boyfriends .For a majority of girls this is true.so what i am trying to say is...those who think that they are permanently lesbian , may not be so ..IF they begin upon a new experience of starting to feel for a man!

people say its natural for girls to get attracted towards men . but not necessarily , many of us don't but still we discover that we are straight when love happens!

Those feelings are different..what a girl feels , if you do pursue these feelings and give it a shot..you'll know the difference that i'm talking about..i used to get grossed out by the thought of kissing or being touched by a guy, until i did it. i used to only think of touching another girl. i still fantasize women physically..and don't get satisfied by penetrative sex.but i am emotionally straight so i stick to being straight as i don't want to later fall into a confusion !plus i have a steady bf and want to marry him.

i am sorry..i don't mean that being straight is better or anything. but having the same tendencies..i can some what relate and am just telling you to not restrict yourself and go ahead with your feelings for this man.

i know a lot of women who are happily married today with men and who were lesbian before. it is very very natural for most women to have bisexual tendencies..unlike men..men may become physically gay but very few are phy & emotionally gay .while girls easily develop feelings for a partner..so many of us ,if we pursue our lesbian side physically, then would end up emotionally lesbian too..!

keep your views broad and experiment with this new found feeling.

if it doesn't work for you then you could always change back your path.no harm!

trust me its all about what you choose..sexuality is pretty much chosen.

even today i could find a girl and get committed to her. but i am by choice not getting into it. i love being straight. if i start off with a girl then i will start to love being lesb...you can really go any way ..just what you prefer more matters.

you are a PhD in Elec engg. i'm giving you a practical explanation about love and relationships. the whole concept is man made.

what is biological is just our body and its physical needs ...all other stuff is psychological creation of the mind ..from it's experiences, social conditions and conclusions drawn by the individual.humans , being complex and intelligent do more of the above..thinking,coming to conclusions,deciding their sexuality,..hence we have various concepts like love, marriage , families,gay,lesb etc.

So what i am trying to say is ..that experiment and choose what makes you feel more happy!for all you know your whole thinking might change if you really dig deeper into your feelings for a man.

And the change may feel good or bad.if it feels good and right ...and defines a future ..then go ahead , if it doesn't then stay away from men :)

One major thing is that you have no desire for kids n stuff , and you are more of a tom boy ..but there are many straight girls who hate kids and are tom boyish as well.!

I hope you find a happy ending. Man or Woman :)

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (22 May 2012):

Denise32 agony auntWell, you and this man have a common outlooki on life and values, and enjoy one another's company. Sounds like you have developed a close friendship.

That might account for a lot of it. However, according to my understanding, human sexual orientation is more of a "sliding scale", so to speak. heterosexual people are at one end of the scale, while others may be somewhere in the middle - i.e., have a little bit of attraction for others of their same sex; while others are full-on gays or lesbians and would never experience sexual/romantic feelings for anyone of the opposite sex.

You may have a touch of bi-sexuality in you which has never surfaced until now. I note you tell us you are starting to have feelings for men, so you might well be someone who can be attracted to other women, and to men.......

The question is, if that is so, what do you want to do with it? Do you choose to continue enjoying this man as a platonic friend, or do you think you might want to explore developing a more romantic relationship with him?

In your shoes, I'd not rush into any hasty decisions, but give it some thought about what your goals are and what you ultimately want in life. Would you perhaps feel comfortable talking to him about it and see what he has to say??

In conclusion, sad to hear your ex experienced such negativity and nastiness from her parents - such that knowing he had two gay children, her father felt driven to kill himself.

Speaking as a progressive Christian (I'm Episcopalian) I can truthfully say, based on my beliefs - and not mine only, but those of a great many of the Episcopal Church in general, INCLUDING the wonderful woman who was elected bishop last November of the diocese where I live - that LBGT are to be fully included in the Church AND in society. For what it's worth, people who think the Bible condemns homosexuality are not reading the scriptures accurately - the Bible condemns sex that is exploitative - i.e., using another person's body for pure gratification without caring about the person herself/himself!

There now, I've gone out on a limb on this site, and some of the other aunts and uncles may not agree with me. If so, well, we're all different and it is not my intention to offend anybody........

Good luck to you.

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A female reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth India +, writes (22 May 2012):

Foot-In-My-Mouth agony auntYou're probably bisexual.

I'd say, go for it! Tell him how you feel. You'll never know what exactly it is for you and whether you can 'adjust' to men unless you actually do it. Tell him the truth about your sexuality and explain how you're attracted to him and if he feels the same, he'll tell you. Concealing your feelings and not telling him would always leave you with that haunting feeling of 'what if'.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012):

well...i think there can be two reasons for this feeling-

1) you are BISEXUAL!

2) you like the guy as a person..which you might be confusing with the feeling for falling for him.

to confirm what the reason is..i would suggest you try kissing the guy once..observe if u have the same amazing feeling you had when you touched the back of your 1st girlfriend..

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A female reader, lover06 United States +, writes (22 May 2012):

you are still single , you dont have to worry about anything . As you explained in you massage how you explored with your first, i say explore again what is to lose friendship well if he is that good of a friend he'll still be around. keep things very clear that it just a exploring stage and you can never know what happens. and if that guy is dating someone and thats why you are feeling like that then that's something else , sometimes best friends feel's that way, when there is a feeling of losing someone so near and dear.

Well good luck hope you'll find your answers soon.

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