A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiSo this is a little embarassing for me. Im 29 and Iv never had sex. Iv been with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and hes waiting for me. I know he really wants to do it (as he has before many times before me) Also he has said to me he really needs to do it to feel closer to me and wants me to take a chance on him. Upto now i thought he was just wanting it but then i kind of thought if he waited this long for me, he must really care?Well my other question is should i be scared of doing it? We are going on hols in afew wks and the opportunity may arise. I am on the pill and he will wear a condem but this is why im scared.. When i get nervous I normally get sick so i think in this situation i could possibly be sick, therefore the pill wouldnt work and if the condems dodgey...scared.I know you are probably thinking im really intense! But to give some backround-im from a very religious family. If i ever got pregnant outside of wedlock i dont know how they would react. Secondly this wasnt the reason why i never had sex upto now (although def part of it). The reason was I liked the idea of having it with one person forever.. but now that i understand how important it is to us progressing in the marriage direction (we've talked about this) I think perhaps i should take a chance?I dont know what to do or how to feel-please help?I sometimes wish i had just done it when i was 17 and then it wouldnt be such a big deal for me. i wouldnt be so scared and especially it wouldnt mean so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): Actualy i would rather wait till marriage. I think if fyou have it before you will have more problems than pleasure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): Hi there I am the original poster of the question but i cannot find the code. I just want to thank each of you individually for replying and giving me such good advice. I actually got at least one provoking thought from each of you that should help me with my decision. Just on the last comment there by chi girl- i have asked him about getting married or at least engaged first but he seems to want to have sex first so we are in a sort of deadlock and its kind of drifted on the last while. I think perhaps when i spend time with him on our own i should hopefully know what to do if/when the situation arises. I would love to be close to him,but i am scared and like you said should educate myself more i guess. On the other hand if im still finding it hard to come to terms with it emotionally i might not do it either. I suppose i have to just see in the moment?
Im not one for leaving things to chance. It worries me sometimes as i feel like i have been pleasing him sexually (in other ways) for so long and now will he pay me any attention or connect with me to love make as one of you said? or have i actually fostered a bad habit that in the bedroom its all about him?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Alternatively, why don't you tell him you would rather be married before having sex? Saves you all the worry about becoming pregnant outside of wedlock.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 October 2012):
"Also he has said to me he really needs to do it to feel closer to me and wants me to take a chance on him. "
When you have sex with someone you love it isn't "just sex". It is love making. It brings you closer, it makes your relationship more intimate. Your boyfriend isn't saying that just because he wants sex, it actually is true. Sex brings you closer (when you are in love that is).
The pill always works unless you throw it up. If you don't trust the pill then get a depo shot. And maybe talk to your doctor/gynecologist about sex and protection, or read up on it online. Educate yourself on the risks and effects of different contraceptives, and you'll become less scared. People tend to be scared of the unknown, so if you're not well informed about sex it is natural that it worries you. But educate yourself and you should feel more at ease. Condoms and birth control pills = totally safe. And if you should get sick and throw up the pill, and don't want to trust in the condom, then there's always the morning after pill.
Although, would it really be so bad to get pregnant at 29 when you're going on the 4th year of a relationship?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 To have sex or not to have sex is purely a personal decision and you should not let ANYONE influence you in any way.
"He has said to me he really needs to do it to feel closer to me and wants me to take a chance on him." OP this is one of the worst possible reasons to have sex because it DOES NOT miraculously bring you closer to your partner. Trust me, if it did the world would be a completely different place and there would be no relationship problems!! Your boyfriend is trying to influence you by his words and he is not right in saying what he did. I cannot repeat this enough, sex WILL NOT bring you closer to your partner. This is just a guilt trip.
Secondly, you have not waited for 29 years to "take a chance on him". Come on, that's ridiculous reasoning!! You don't take a chance with these decisions, you do it only when you know you want to.
OP re-think the holiday that you are considering the holiday with your boyfriend. You are just putting yourself in a spot where obviously the situation will arise. Stop feeling guilty about making him wait, he hasn't done you any favors. You were clear about what you wanted and you owe no explanations to anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): No, no, no...Any person that says they want to have sex to feel closer, is being passive-aggressive, manipulative and trying to guilt-trip you.I completely understand why, thoughof course that what they seek through it is an emotional connection (since some may just have sex for the sake of it)and that it has already been done before.But you are a virgin, this is completely different. And yes, he's been patient with you for the past 3 and a half years, and you obviously seem to be feeling guilty about that.So my suggestion is that you assess your relationship, you really dig deep, look back over what you've done together, been through together and ask yourself if he's the one that is meant to be your first.Maybe the reason you haven't made love with him yet is because you feel unsure about him...maybe not. Hope that helps
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Hi
I think the fact he has waited three and a half years shows he cares.It surprises me your not engaged or even married by now.Is there a reason?
I can't see what your problem is to be honest, you will both be using protection so your highly unlikely to get pregnant.If you want the partnership to progress then you may have to just go for it, while your on holiday together,relaxed and away from everyone.
If however you don't find him physically attractive,feel no chemistry between you,then maybe he is not for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Your fear is slightly irrational. He has been checked for STD's? You're on birth control and he'd wear a condom. Chances of pregnancy, if both products are used properly, is slim to none. You've been together long enough to get engaged and married. So whats the hold up? Why is he not progressing to marriage and why are you not willing to take your love to the next stage. Sex is suppose to be a beautiful thing between two people that love each other. Perhaps its time you both leap into the next stage of your relationship.
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