A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm kind of worried I've warped my mind through excessive pornography use over the last few years, and through meeting some people in the sex industry, and I'm looking for some advice on what to do next, as my eyes are opening to the extent of the problem lately.I was so shy when I was younger, or just socially anxious, that I spent my entire undergraduate career at uni living at home with my parents and commuting, not socialising at all. So the end result was being a 22 year old virgin. Now, in the last year I've changed a lot, socialising quite often and making quite a lot of friends, but unfortunately something I started when I had low self esteem is persisting... Yep, it comes from that wonderful world of porn and sex...I think in the grips of low self esteem, I eventually gravitated towards forms of porn which turn inadequacy into something erotic. Small penis humiliation, humiliation in general, feminisation, cuckolding. Increasingly I hate the idea of these things. I'm attracted to the idea of being a respected guy in a relationship, not even a dom guy, but not submissive either. Just equal. However, I still keep going back. Like tonight after a wake up call recently I said I'd stop completely... Ended up looking at some phone sex operators. Not planning to call anyone, just looking at their profiles whilst doing the obvious. And I tried to look at those who seemed balanced. But I came across a more dominant girl into humiliation again. Saw a list of what she offered. No small penis humiliation. Sigh of relief. Clicked her videos... Nope, she had two videos with titles referring to penis size teasing. I orgasmed at the sight of it.Now, I'm not even that small. I'm between 4.5" and 5" in length, about 5.5 in girth. But I also slept with a few escorts because the thought of having sex with a girlfriend or a one night stand terrified me as I'd have no experience (again, I feel that was porn warping my ideas of what women actually are like in real life, as if they'd just be waiting to rip me apart). Now, one of them even dismissed the idea that I should need experience to be cool with a girl (I weirdly knew this one as a friend of a friend I'd seen about at uni, complete coincidence). I know that this is probably all born from seeking out people who are likely to confirm my worst fears... As if in some way confirming my worst fears is a turn on. I also have started reading things into the few escort encounters... Not being able to do one position with one girl because it wasn't big enough, slipping out of another quite a few times throughout, one of them raising her knees up to her chest when I was with her... I don't know if these are just things that happen in normal sexual encounters, or if it's because I'm clearly unsatisfying, women want more than someone on the lower end of average, they all probably wanted to say something rude etc. I don't know anymore.So, I guess I just worry if this is almost like a mental illness at this point. Half of me wants to see if said phone sex girl is online now to get her to humiliate me. Is this all just the signs of someone too deep into some fantasies started in a phase of life that's now in my past, or should I just embrace where my sexuality takes me right now?
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escort, living at home, one night stand, orgasm, penis size, phone sex, porn, self esteem, shy, teasing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Hi. I sympathise with what you're going through, but try not to feel too down or overwhelmed. I agree with shrodingerscat about fetishes and kinks. A lot of healthy, normal people have kinks, cuckolding, humiliation ect is a common one. It's not necessarily a bad thing.I think the thing to do would be to develop a loving, trusting relationship with someone. Take it slowly, and when the time comes tell her you have some insecurities about your penis size. If she cares about you she will be supportive and understanding. She'll have some insecurities too. You can explore and work through them together. And if you feel you want to you can share your kink. I know this is all easier said than done. It's not going to happen over night, but be open to the fact that this is something you can have, and deserve to have. In the mean time learning to be at home with your kink might be helpful. You might want to try talking to people who are experienced with it, forums ect.I wish you well.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 October 2012):
 You have lots of hang ups and the porn and escorts are doing nothing to help!
My advice is quit the porn, quit the escorts and get out into the real world and start meeting real people. Then you stand a chance of having a real relationship, and then you'll see that your hang-ups really aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 There is nothing inherently wrong with having fetishes/kinks. The only time it's bad is when it's negatively impacting your life due to overuse and dependency.
Kink acceptance is something every kinky person must come to terms with. Some people do this relatively quickly and easily, some people struggle with it for years. Accepting yourself also prevents shame, which can lead you to accommodate your kinks in dangerous or unhealthy ways.
You CAN be kinky and be happy. You can be kinky and in a relationship. You can find someone who will accept or even participate with enjoyment in your kinks, but you have to be okay with being kinky before you can be healthy enough to be kinky with someone else.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (12 October 2012):
 First off you need to take control of your life, of you don't want these things don't do them, the fact that you tried to stay away from these things proves you want a change, if you want to be in a respectable relationship then stop going to escorts and get out and meet some real woman, find someone you have fun with and connect with, don't immediately think of her as a sex object, as for your cock size your probably thinking your small because of all the porn you watch, remember porn isn't real, it's all acted, unless it's tiny or massive then it's not gonna cause Any problems sexually, have a bit more confidence and self belief
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Well, It seems your fantasies are upsetting you. So I think trying to stop would be best. It's easy to focus on things you really don't want.
What you need is to get a grasp on your sexuality. Decide if you are really into humiliation, and if so, you need to find ways to express that don't make you feel bad.
Sexual fantasies, and pleasure should never be a negative experience.
In a way it sounds like you're trying to eroticize your low self esteem to cope with it.
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