A
female
age
30-35,
*utumnEyes
writes:I just need to vent a little and am hoping to hear some others' inputs on the situation. I am 19 years old and am in college, but I am staying at home with my parents. I work part time and help pitch in with bills (not much but as much as I can do with what little I make), pay for gas, pay my phone bill, and for any items I need for my own (clothing, bathroom stuff, haircuts, entertainment, bedroom furnishings etc). I still abide by my parent's rules because I was raised to follow the "you live by our rules as long as you live in this house" motto. I love my parents to death and they have been very good to me. About half a year ago I developed a crush on my manager at work. I know this is highly inappropriate and unprofessional so I kept my feelings to myself. We talked a lot at work and seemed to have some kind of connection. A few months back we started to text outside of work and almost a month ago I found out: 1. he is transferring to another store that will open in a few months 2. he is interested in me 3. he has been for a while. I know this may seem unprofessional, but we began to date about a month ago. Knowing that he is transferring stores will only help the situation and believe me we keep our relationship OUT of work. There is no flirting, or even hardly talking at work. None of the other employees know. So about a week after we got together I told him that I really wanted to tell my parents, because he is 8 years older than me (27), so that I wont be hiding anything from them. He agreed that this was a good idea and was willing to take me and my parents out somewhere to talk about it over dinner. He also agreed that after telling my parents he would tell our store owner (he is close to our owner and his family so he believes they wouldn't give us a hard time). So I told my parents and they absolutely flipped out. They told me I was "not allowed to date this man". They said it was disgusting that any man at 27 could love a 19 year old. I was shocked because they raised me to believe that love does not know gender, race, etc. I knew that my father wouldn't be keen on the idea, but I never thought they would blow up like this. They have began to not trust me or anything I do. They want me to not see him ever. They say that I am not "mature" enough to date him. Yet when we talk we are on the same level. We understand each other and he doesn't make me feel like I need to change myself (as I have felt with other guys). I really like this guy. My mom and I talked, I plan to move out in a year and I'm pretty sure she knows that I want to see him still and that when I move out I probably will go for him again. I talked to him about them wanting me to break it off with him. I told him I wouldn't let them do this to me. I am technically an adult and I think I have the right to make my own decisions when it comes to romance. I told him I knew that it was unfair and that I didn't expect for him to wait a whole year for me to move out for him to be with me and he said "Well I guess you'll be surprised then". So point blank I can't really openly be with him until 1. I get my own car (I am about $700 short of getting there since I am paying for it all on my own with no help) 2. he transfers stores 3. I move out. We still are very into each other and I guess in a way things haven't really changed other than the respect that I have for my parents and the fact that I have to be careful not to mention him around them. What do you all think? Am I the one at fault? Please don't give me crap about being unprofessional. I already have heard enough about that and as said before we do not bring our relationship to work and I don't plan on working there for the rest of my life hence going to college. But please give me some input on the situation!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Your feedback submittal, of April 18, 'splains a lot!!!!
It's easy to understand "where your Mother is coming from".......
I hope you will stay close to her.... AND will make it clear to your man-friend just WHAT is going on between you and your parents....
I've "been there" (My Ex's parents disowned her for seven years when we got married).... and it's very stressful to have a set of parents making a blanket prohibition to something that you (and he) think is so right.....
P.S. After reconciling with my ex's parents.... they became SO OVERBEARING (and conciliatory!), the THEY became a problem.... and - in my view - contributed to the failure of our marriage...
"Sounds" like you've got things under control.... Good luck....
A
female
reader, AutumnEyes +, writes (18 April 2013):
AutumnEyes is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the feedback! It has been about a month since we started our relationship and other than the problems with my parents things have been going well. I have been trying to act more as an adult and do things I know I need to do that will separate me from the dependent child in their eyes. I figure that the only way to get them to know I have matured is to stop fooling around and actually show them that I have.The only reason that I even mentioned this relationship to my parents is that I am very close to them and they respect me more when I come out and tell them things like this as soon as possible. I am really close to my mother in particular and we have had conversations about this about once a week or so. She told me that if I had went ahead and told her that I was interested in him when it all started (a few months back) then she might have considered it more. We do talk about me liking him and him liking me, but she still doesn't think that its right. She made the mistake of marrying my biological father when she was 17 and moved out of the house to be with him. She got pregnant with my brother at 19 and my father was not a good man to her. I think she just doesn't want to see me make "mistakes" that she did. Either way I keep bringing it up every now and then to see where she stands. She has a pretty good feeling I plan to see him when I move out, and I'm not sure if she will budge her decision or not. She doesn't seem to want to meet him, but I think after some convincing I may be able to get her to consider it.As for our relationship, we are still seeing each other secretly. I have let him know that I do not want to have full out sex with him because I don't think I'm ready for that and I want to make sure that he respects me enough to wait. He is very good to me and I am hoping that things can turn around for the better. Thank you all again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): I was 28 when I got together with my fiancée of 7 years and she was your age. Want to know where you went wrong? One week in you decided he had to meet your parents or you had to tell them. Sorry OP but you and he are idiots. You like to think you're mature but when have ever heard of anyone bringing someone home to meet the parents after only one week of dating?It's not hiding anything to wait until you have something more established going on OP, even a few weeks is better than the first week.I think you and he didn't think this through for one second and everything seems "so right" it was the "right thing to do" etc. but with such an age gap you have to be incredibly subtle about things OP. You even outed yourselves to the store manager, risking his job and stuff too, yeah he knew them, was sure they'd be okay, but he didn't need to risk that and now look where you both stand, people at work don't need to know your personal dating habits. OP where did you get this idea that the "right thing to do" is the smartest way of going about this? He should have known better at his age and you're not even nearly as mature as you say you are for putting his job and your fledgling relationship at risk by telling the world you're together, after only one week. And no OP, your months of lusting after him and texting does not count.OP I've mostly had age gap relationships with younger women. Telling everyone straight away is not the "morally right thing to do", you're not hiding anything but keeping things on the down low until you're established, even my friends don't ever meet the woman I'm dating until a couple of months in because I want to be sure of us first and no again OP, texting does not count, one week of an actual official relationship is not long enough to know. Dating is largely a private matter, done between two people who are still just seeing how it goes. You don't just up and tell everyone you're fucking some older dude after one week OP? Now it doesn't matter if you're not having sex, that's all it sounds like so soon.OP age gap relationships present many difficulties. It's not the societal norm anymore. People still view the older guy as taking advantage of the vulnerable young girl, the only way to offset that is by the longevity of the relationship. If you approach people after one week and tell them, then he looks like the guy who is most likely just using this young pretty thing. Trust me, I've dealt with this lots of times. but if you tell people after a couple of months it looks less like that, and you have proof in the amount of time you're together that this isn't just him using you for sex.His boss didn't need to know he goes around fucking young teenage staff members, I don't care how well he knows them OP, what business is it of his boss that is worth risking him seeming like a dirty old perv? One week OP. After one week you decided it was a good idea to let the guy who is giving him his own store know that he likes to get his fingers stinky in the storeroom with the teenage employees?You didn't need to tell your parents anything other than you're seeing a guy, you're not ready to say who it is just yet because it's too early and you just want to see how it goes. Frankly OP they didn't need to know at all, you're allowed to keep your dating habits private from them, you're an adult. You don't lie if they ask of course but there's nothing wrong with saying I'm going to see a friend. Because no matter what title you put on your relationship OP one week is not much more than friendship.OP I first met my fiancée when she was 16 as her social group became connected to mine. She started hanging out with us a lot after that and became a part of our group. Now say what you want but you know well age doesn't matter when it comes to getting along with people. She was a great person to have around even at 16. It was in these years of friendship OP that I got to know her friends and her parents. They were very taken aback when I first calling over just to hang out or collect her etc. But it really helped that we'd been friends for about a year before we became close enough that I would go specifically to hang out with just her as a friend. She'd already talked about me, she already had stories in which I was involved and they knew me as her friend before they ever met me. A total "lovely to finally meet you I've heard lots about you" scenario. I often spent time in her house just playing games, listening to music, having dinner with her family and they got to know the pretty decent guy I am, they trusted me with they're daughter because most of the stories she told about me where me bringing her home in a taxi when she got too drunk, or holding her hair back when getting sick, or knocking out a guy who grabbed her breast. They knew I was the kind of guy who looked after her as friend before they'd ever even met me OP. It got to the stage where when we finally got together and fell in love they were neither shocked nor negative about it they'd seen it coming by how happy she was when she spoke about me and they actually secretly hoped we'd take the next step.The point of my story is this OP. You just decided to throw something into your families face that you knew they wouldn't accept without any thought into how best to mitigate their reaction, you assumed since you felt everything was perfect that nothing can go wrong and now look where you are, your need to be "honest" means if you still want to be with him you have to do it behind their back. Well done OP.OP I had an ex of two years who was 17 when we got together, I met her in a bar and hit it off. We spent 3 months dating before she even told her parents she was seeing someone, she was just seeing a friend when she went out on dates with me. But she never lied about where she was going, we made sure she kept to the schedule they demanded and she worked twice as hard in school to make sure she could show how much better having me in her life was and she wanted to wait until they knew before we became sexually active so she could have that to get rid of any idea I'm some older creep using their daughter. 3 months in she told them about me, told them her reasons for keeping it quiet were simply because it wasn't anything serious and she didn't want to rise their curiosity so much that they'd demand to meet me which they did as soon as they found out.While they were shocked at dinner to find out I was in my early 20's they'd seen her grades improve in those 3 months, she was able to tell them we aren't even sexually active and we'd shown by being together 3 months that this wasn't just a casual thing we were in an official relationship and she had 3 months of dating filled with stories of all the nice thing I did for her and the time we'd spent together as things allay their misconceptions. They weren't happy about it at the start, they were shocked of course, they didn't like the fact she felt she couldn't tell them but it didn't take long to see why she did and they respected our relationship.All you can do now is wait OP, are you going to see him behind their back now? You really think after you moral showing that even texting him is going to feel right now?Let it go for a week, let your parents have time to talk it out with each other, sit down and talk to the most reasonable one on their own and explain things. Talk about how this is not what they think and try and get at least one of them on your side. OP seriously consider telling them that you don't plan on having a sexual relationship with him for a long time. Until you have had time to date and see how well you work in that way. That'll go a long way into easing the notion of this stinky fingered old perv who bones the teenage employees.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2013):
I have two comments:
1. The REAL issue, at home, is NOT the age difference... It is that your parents' "little girl" is finally growing up and exhibiting behaviour that is typical of ANY young adult who, prospectively, might be leaving the nest sometime in the not-too-distant future. They struggle with that... and it (the struggle) manifests itself in them lashing out at what/who is triggering you to do that behaviour....
2. Please, do NOT leave and take-up (even, marry) this guy until/unless you reconcile this issue with your parents.... How many women of about your age marry "to get out of the house...."? It is the beginning of a marriage with all THOSE struggles, compounded by the stress between parents and daughter....
Try to figure out how to weather this emotional storm that you and your man-friend face.... and get CLOSER to your parents... so that they see, in no uncertain terms, that you have NOT "flown off the handle" with this budding relationship.... and that you ARE, STILL, that responsible young woman who they raised you to be.... It may take some time.... but - in the vastness of life - I suggest that THAT will be time well-spent....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2013):
 John F Kennedy and Jackie O -- 12 years!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I think that you are making the situation more dramatic than it needs to be.
I can see your parents ' point of view , if I had a daughter your age dating a much older guy frankly I would be far from overjoyed too. And I am not one to encourage defying parents , I believe too in " my house my rules ".
Within reason . I mean, if they don't want him hanging out with you at their place, that's fine. If they don't want you to involve him in family activies , too.
But, other than that, how can they STOP you from having the social/ relational life you want ? You are a 19 y.o. adult, you basically support yourself and help with the bills for what you can, and, ( at least you did not mention it ) you were not / are not a source of trouble with drugs, debts, illegal activities or whatnot. So, there really is both a moral and an OBJECTIVE limit to their control over your out of the house activities. I mean, it's not like you are 14 and they can ground you , or take away your phone etc.
Just be discreet. No need to be secretive, and no need to FLAUNT this relationship in their face. Dating an older boyfriend may be imprudent, but it's not immoral or illegal, and ultimately, since you are an adult, what your parents say about your friends or lovers you can consider it a well meant , appreciable opinion , not a law. Do they get to decide which female friends you can go out with, which bar, restaurants, shops you can patronize ? no ? then it's the same, do not make a point to keep this guy secret.. and do not inform them any time you see him, what you do, where you go. Same, as, I suppose, you don't ask permission every time you go out of your house to meet another girl, or a male friend. You just go. No need to bring it up in conversation for parental approval.
I imagine that this sounds lackluster because you are excited about the new relationship and maybe wanted your mom to be involved too, to support you, to be your confident... well, that's not going to happen but you can live without it , I guess. It does not have to be like this forever, I think what your parents may be concerned about is that for him you are just a sex toy, or a novelty, well- prove them wrong. In 6 or 8 months, when you'll be still committed, still going strong, and still happy together you can go to mom and say : See ? I told you so; regardless of your dire predictions, this was not just a fling, this is a serious committed relationship. Then , I guess, your parents diffidence may relent and they may be persuaded to meet him etc. Anyway, since you are moving out in one year anyway, what's the big deal.
For one year , just keep things discreet ( not secret, do not lie if explicitely asked about him ) without big announcements. Until time, and evidence of facts , prove you right and your parents wrong.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2013):
Oh! One more thing, they mentioned "They said it was disgusting that any man at 27 could love a 19 year old."
Explain to them Celine Dion/Rene Angelil. (26 year age difference, they met when she was 14 and he dated her starting at age 20).
Abraham Lincoln/Mary Todd Lincoln (9 year age difference).
Ronald/Nancy Reagan - 10 year age difference. (that may or may not work depending on their politics...heh.)
Olivia Wilde/Jason Sudeikis - 10 year age difference
Jay Z/Beyonce - 12 year age difference
Warren Beaty/ Annette Bening - 20 year age difference and married 21 years.
Danica Patrick/Paul Hostenthal - 16 year age difference. He met her when she was 19. Unfortunately, I think they just divorced, but they had a real relationship. I think she cheated on him, heh.
There are so many more examples of age differences not changing the "realness" of love, and it isn't disgusting as long as you're a legal adult.
Remember, get them to meet him!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2013):
I think I have your answer. The answer is found in the money you pitch in for bills. Am I right to understand that you pay your parents to help with groceries, electricity, and rent?
The key is to have your parents see you as the adult you are, and not a little kid. But that won't happen if you respond as a high schooler, or a kid, or even predictably. You must change their perception.
Consider what your parents have said not as a finality like you did when you were a kid. Consider it the start of a lengthy negotiation, and now you need to counter-offer.
If you're helping your parents pay for essential bills (groceries, electricity, heating, rent), then you can calmly tell them that in order for them to have the kind of control they want over your life, they have to support you 100%, meaning you don't give your parents money to help with bills. Self-support has privileges, meaning you are afforded the same right to make choices, even if they don't agree with them, so long as you're not breaking the law in their house. You become a tenant and equal member.
If you are only paying your own bills (i.e. car, clothing, entertainment, personal cell phone bill), then you can offer to support yourself to a degree, such as paying them rent (I did when I turned 18), paying for your food, cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry like you would on your own. Then you can assert that your self-support comes with the right to make your choices in your love life.
If you don't help your parents' bills, and you don't have the money for paying rent, then there is another option. You must change the conversation with your parents. No longer can you *react* with emotion as you have your whole life, because that only reinforces the child-image they have of you.
Make out a list. State the good things about the guy, things that make him a good choice in boyfriend. List the honorable things about him. Then make another list. This one overcomes parental objections. If they protest his age, tell them that women mature faster, and that he's not at a place in life where he plays games and is just a user of women. If it's the fact that he's your manager they object to, tell them that with his transfer, this removes that conflict of interest.
Now, and pay attention here, look them in the eye and ask them to meet him and look him in the eye before they reject him. Ask them for the courtesy of asking him questions and getting to know who he is and keeping an open mind. Tell them that as their daughter, it would be an act of love for you by them to have dinner with him and you and allow a true impression of him as a person and not merely a reflexive "no" that dismisses you as being less than an equal family member. Explain that you did your parents the courtesy of disclosing your relationship, and that they should reciprocate that courtesy of meeting him, interviewing him, and getting to know him as a person before dismissing him from your life.
If they still shut it down (I'd be very surprised if they just blew you off after making the plea for them to meet him), remember, you're still in negotiation, so no tantrums, anger, silent treatment, etc. The conversation is never over, and no decision is ever final. Change their perception of you. Keep negotiating. Wait a week and bring it up again. If it's a no, wait a week, and bring it up again. Always stay calm, always make your point. Act like an adult around the house. If you have a messy room or do other things your parents don't like, start changing your demeanor. If they get mad because you leave towels on the floor, change that. If your room is messy, clean it. If you have posters on the wall or things that represent a high school image, change it. If your mom cooks, offer to take over some meals for the family and you do the cooking. Become aware of what goes on in the world and discuss adult things with your parents like politics or world events. This might take awhile, but you have to change their perception. Ask them questions like what's the most important thing to know about finances, or you're buying a car, right? Ask them about the negotiation process about buying one.
You could even go so far as bribing them. heh. If you're allowed to see him, you'll take care of groceries, or you'll submit to a curfew of (name your time). Be creative about it. Think of something your parents want from you, and find their hot button.
Stay calm. Stay focused. Make your negotiation is an adult manner. If you can negotiate to pay rent, you negotiate your relationships from a position of strength. Overcome your parents' objections and show them that he is good for you, because it may not feel like it, but they love you. They'll want to protect you at all costs. Instead of accusing them of being mean, or unfair, or whatever, like a kid does, tell them that you love and appreciate their protectiveness, and that you love them too, and that he cares about you in a real way and has a good career, is honest and has good ambitions, and tell them why he is a mature and good match for you, and that he shares your parents' desire to be protected and loved.
Are you the oldest child, or an only child? Remember that some of what your parents might be feeling is empty nest syndrome. A kid leaving the home or becoming serious with someone is scary to them. My husband's parents didn't like me before they met me, but that was primarily because I was with their oldest, and his mom felt threatened that I was coming to take their son away from them and would reject them.
Whatever you do, no matter what, do not accelerate your relationship with this guy. What I mean is, don't let the situation cause you to make choices you wouldn't normally make, like leave your parents to move in with him after only a month of dating (seriously, that is new, and you are only starting to get to know him). A forbidden relationship has the danger of moving too fast, flaming out, and causing irreparable damage with your family. Stay in contact with him, let him know what's going on, keep negotiating with your parents, and keep the relationship slow slow slow. You may find things out about him that would cause you to re-think rash decisions. You have all the time in the world, and don't let desperation take over that he's going to lose interest and find someone else, or that you have to push things out of fear. Consider it like a long-distance relationship until your parents change their mind or you move out. If it's real, it won't be flaky and his feelings won't be fickle.
OMG this has gotten long. When I was 18, I dated a guy who was 10 years older than me for a month and a half. One of the worst mistakes of my life, not because of the age difference, but because in the course of getting to know him, there were very disturbing red flags that came up. Don't let anything blind you. Stay alert, watch for red flags, don't get anxious, take a lot of time.
I hope any of this helps.
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