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We've been dating 4 months and I have taken him back after finding he'd been chatting with other girls and his ex!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2015)
A female Canada age 22-25, *osette writes:

Hey, I'm looking for advice no a current situation with my boyfriend. We're both 23

We've been dating for 4 months now. The start of the second month I realized he lied to me about a nude photo of his friend but cast forward I got over that as she sent it before we got together and he limited his talking to her which I asked. But after I had trust issues with him.

Over the last few weeks I went through his phone because I got suspicious and he was acting distant and annoyed all the time, and I found out he's been talking to a bunch of girls off tinder and going on dates with them. I read their conversations and it really hurt me. He told me , he's sorry and he did that because he didn't want to be around someone who doesn't trust him and mad all the time. I forgave him this once because I did get angry at him a lot because I was trying to push him away because I was scared. But I realized I wanted to be with him. So I told him I would change if he would stop talking and meeting up with girls. I asked for time alone because despite what I did, he had no right to go behind my back.

Fast forward to this month, after he promised he would change. I was at his house all week and we were good. We had an argument twice but it didn't last long. But My trust issues worsened and he put a password on his phone. He kept telling me I had nothing to worry about. However, I found out the password to his phone and I went on his phone and right after we had sex, he messaged some girl "I want to take you on a date Bonita" and I got so angry. I also found that he told his friend he loved her a lot and she sent him ????( multiple Hearts) Back. I found out that this was actually his ex and he told me before we dated that the girl he dated before me broke his heart really badly in June. They dated in June 2014. He's been in Canada (he's from France) since November 2014. And apparently they became really good friends since then. I don't know how any person can lose feelings for someone they loved that much and who broke his heart within 5 months. He says it's because they talked the whole time even after they broke up. But then, to me, I figure that would make it harder for him to lose feelings for her.

To me this seemed inappropriate. I told him I'm not comfortable with him taking to her anymore and suggested he cut contact with her. He refused because he said they were friends. I explained you don't stay friends with your ex while saying I love you a lot to them. More importantly she recently changed her profile picture to when they were dating and she's wearing his hat and stuff. He likes her pictures and never mine. So I have a feeling they both still have feelings for each other. He says they're just friends either way I'm not comfortable with him being that close to his ex, friend now or not. He said he really doesn't want to lose me and that I'm amazing to him. I said if you really want to be with me, cut contact with your friend/ex, stop talking to all these girls, and try to earn your trust back. But he doesn't want to delete his friend/ex. I told him it's me or her and he risked losing me because he wants to keep her in his life. So I broke up with him. He got upset and begged for me to make this work but I explained to him there's no way for this relationship to work if his ex is still in his life like that. He insists on having both me and her in his life. So eventually he decided to choose me,mbut his recent history of talking to all these girls behind my back I don't know if hell actually stop talking to her. I really am a really nice person and I said this is e last chance I'm giving him because I don't want to keep being hurt. But I need to know, should I? Or should I just end it?

View related questions: broke up, his ex, I love you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntNow you know. Having limits and boundaries for WHAT you are OK with in a relationship is OK.

He didn't respect yours (or you) so LET him go.

My personal advice to you? LISTEN to your gut. It's very sweet of you to be a forgiving person, but some guys WILL see that as a "weakness" to explore - JUST like this fella. And IF they choose to do that, they AREN'T for you.

Good luck, you can do better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

Yeah of course you should end it. He is just using you. You've given him plenty of chances, don't you think?

I mean you really gotta toughen up. You are failing to realize a very important detail here. You do not need to take his crap because you, my dear, are at the PRIME of your life, when it comes to dating. When I was your age, I had a date with a guy for every night of the week. You could be doing the same! And actually enjoying yourself.

You know how many guys drool over girls your age? You should just learn your worth and leave him to his stupid games and cheating. You don't need to be dealing with that. He doesn't deserve your attention. Just go out and enjoy all the men (there are PLENTY) who are going to show you a good time and make you feel sexy. And tell this idiot to go jump in a lake. Enough is enough.

Be strong. He'll actually respect you more if you dump him rather than what you are doing, keep giving him more and more chances to just use you and mistreat you.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSooo... YOU are his available fall-back, in case none of his other interludes work out. Sounds delightful to me!!!

Figure out if you want to be Number one.... or number who-knows-what-number.

The answer to THAT will tell you how to proceed....

Good luck..

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A female reader, Cosette Canada +, writes (29 March 2015):

Cosette is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He chose to keep his ex in his life rather than me, but oh well.

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A female reader, Cosette Canada +, writes (29 March 2015):

Cosette is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm ending it. He doesn't want ho cut contact with her anyways. Thanks gir the replies!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

Let me start by saying,YES!!! You should end it.

You are his emotional baby-sitter and bed-warmer; while he reconciles with his ex-girlfriend. You are also his enabler; because you've caught him several times being unfaithful, and just forgave him.

Your incentive to keep him is now to protect your ego. You want him even more; because you don't want the other girls to have him. They already do. Your jealousy overrules your common-sense. Although you know he's a low-down dirty cheat and a skunk; you hate the thought of giving him up to his ex and the other females.

You will hang onto him until he makes you bitter, cynical, destroys your sense of trust, wrecks your self-esteem, makes you break-out; and you'll become so emotionally traumatized, you'll consider giving up men altogether and

becoming a lesbian. He even locked you out of his phone; so you'll stew in your own juices, not knowing what he's up to!

It's way past time to break this off. You won't be worth anything to yourself, or anyone else; if you continue to subject yourself to this guy's cheating ways. He's not worth it. Let the other girls have him, he's doing the same to them. You're delaying your destiny to find someone better; when you waste that precious time with someone so undeserving. Secretly, he thinks you're stupid. A pushover.

Part of your life's journey, is finding your way to the right person for you. Every obstacle you encounter and overcome is for self-improvement, and in preparation for someone better for you. He's a lesson and an obstacle. Knock him out of your way. Don't let him hold you back.

He will ruin you for the next guy. Worst of all, he'll make you hate yourself. Then you'll really be messed-up.

He's been doing more than "chatting" with other girls; I can guarantee you that!

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago + , writes (29 March 2015):

A guy like this does not change overnight. All you have to do is reverse the roles and realize that if you were this guy, you couldn't possibly change even if you tried. Why would he change? You took him back after he is confirmed cheating on you. If this is the person you grew to know after 4 months, I wonder what more surprises he has in store for you.

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A female reader, Cosette Canada +, writes (29 March 2015):

Cosette is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys for your responses,

The hard part is that I spent so much time at his house the last 4 months, usually staying entire weeks. I spend more time with him than at my own his house. I've met his friend and cousin who came to Canada and live with him. He told all his friends about me and his mom. So I know from the start he wanted to be serious with me, I just don't know if he does anymore. He deleted all the girls from instagram and facebook and he doesn't know that I know his password. I bought him a couple expensive gifts for his birthday because he has nothing here in Canada. so. I decided to give him one last chance but if he screws up and I find out about he's still talking to his ex or any girls I'm not even going to explain myself. I'm gonna block him and take all the expensive things I bought for him. He'll end up being screwed because his english isn't that good and he needs help with his resume and job hunting and all these things. But if he messes up he's on his own and will probably have to move back to France. And I won't care at all.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntHe loves nobody but himself. How can you go back to a player who asks for permission to date two people at the same time? By the way he's not really asking you, he's going ahead and doing what he pleases. You only give people chances when they realize their mistake and make amendments. He doesn't see what he is doing as wrong. You have to let him go. It's only been 4 months. Glad to find out who he really is right now rather than years down the line.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHoney, you CAN NOT change him. THIS is who he is.

He will keep lying and sneaking around till the cows come home and he will think you are SORTA OK with it, because you STICK around.

DUMP him and move on.

If a guy after ONLY 2 month of dating is meeting up with other girls he isn't SERIOUS about you. YOU are just his "go-to" girl. Why waste ANY MORE time on this guy? You already wasted 4 months.

Let him go date around and play "friends" with an ex... ALL by himself. YOU can do better, no need for you to settle with this one.

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