A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about 6 months. Our relationship has been great and really seems to have a potential future, but my girlfriends behavior troubles me...Yesterday she mentioned that she was out with a friend. I'm not one to pry, but I happened to ask her which friend. But the strange thing is she wouldn't tell me. "Just a friend" she said. I asked her to elaborate and she flat-out refused. Naturally I was annoyed by this. Our relationship has been blossoming in recent weeks and it really seemed like we had no problems, but now out of nowhere there's this secrecy. I have no explanation for it.It wouldn't have bothered me so much if she didn't seem so distant yesterday and this morning. She wasn't nearly as affectionate as she usually is, last night when I tried to kiss her goodnight she just lay with her back to me. Then this morning when I took her to work, no kiss goodbye or an "I love you". Nothing. She has a lot going on in her life at the moment and I have been there to offer my full support to her, but at the same time I don't feel like that should excuse her actions.I'm not perfect by any means. In fact I nearly ruined our relationship before it really got going one night when I slept on my ex's floor. To be clear, absolutely nothing happened between me and my ex, but I accept that it was wrong of me to do so and it is a mistake that I shall never repeat. Me and my girlfriend were not technically together when that happened, but I don't make excuses for it either. In hindsight it was a very stupid thing to do and I've regretted it ever since. I have since cut all contact with my ex.Since then I have been nothing but honest with my girlfriend. I have kept no secrets from her whatsoever. I understand that she may not fully trust me after that incident, but I'm hoping we can work on that. I want her to be able to trust me. If she can't then I will have to understand and accept that maybe things just won't work out between us.I am absolutely not accusing her of cheating on me. My question is; if she isn't hiding anything, why the secrecy? Why the distance?Any advice at all is welcome! Thank you very much.
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (21 February 2014):
You seriously need to talk to one another.The sudden lack of affection from her shows something is amiss coupled with the "friend" thing.Is she secretive with her mobile?
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 Oh! One more thing - you have friends, don't you? Doesn't matter what happened at the beginning with your ex...if she's being evasive, that goes double. You may want to tell her that re-establishing trust means an equal flow of information. If she wants honesty and openness from you about what you do, it goes both ways. She can't question your whereabouts without being open about hers as well.
If she doubts that, tell her you're going out with friends on Saturday and see ig she asks which ones.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2014):
This is definitely cause for concern. If she normally is open with you and this is a sudden development, then I suspect a bit of revenge going on here. Was she really upset about you at your ex's house when it happened? She may be carrying a grudge and is either being evasive to teach you a lesson, or she may be carrying on an actual grudge affair.
You say you're not one to pry, but do you normally ask her her whereabouts? Sometimes behavior like hers is in response to repeated interrogations based on trust issues. However, if you haven't been badgering her and you don't have trust issues, then I stand by my former statements. At the 6 month mark in a relationship, people are usually exclusive, and a smile and an "Oh yeah? Where are you headed tonight?" or a "Which friend?" is okay to ask.
She may be a grudge keeper, but two wrongs do not make a right. She chose to stay with you after the incident with your ex (which was unbelievably idiotic of you, but you know that so I won't keep beating you up), so if she wants trust re-established, that is a two-way street.
Don't do anything for now, but keep your guard up. Don't react to her evasiveness. In fact, do everything you can to act DIS-interested in what she does or who she is with. If she's doing it out of a grudge and wants to emotionally get a dig in at you by being evasive and trying to make you jealous, make it backfire by showing ZERO interest. She'll give it up. However, by taking that tactic, she won't suspect that you're alert to her dealings if she IS actually revenge cheating on you. I don't think that's happening, but in case it is, you'll know within a month if that's the case.
If she continues to be short or cagey with you or she starts acting out at you in other ways, then it's time to confront her and/or end it her whether she is cheating or not. Emotional abuse or withholding are signs of a breakdown in the relationship. The mature way of handling lingering resentment is to talk it out and work it out, not be passive/aggressive and take digs at the offending partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): When someone asks what I'm doing/when I'm doing it/who I'm seeing and I resond with a general answer such as, "I have plans/Went with a friend/etc", that's polite for "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." Why? Maybe because she didn't want questions about what she talked about or where she went or why she went there. Maybe if she regularly sees a friend at a certain hour, she doesn't want you tot join them because it's HER time. Maybe it's because you're not her mother and you dont' NEED toknow everything. I certainly dont' feel the need to text my boyfriend everytime I shit and I certainly don't want to hear it when he does. I just trust him. And he trusts me. Any nosy questions like that and I dump the person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2014):
 I can see two scenarios.
1. she felt you were questioning her out of mistrust and thus refused to answer.
2. she IS hiding something and it not sure what to do with the info.
My thing is it might just come down to HOW you asked or rather HOW she perceived the question. Which can be impossible for us to guess.
And the fact that she withheld affection and the ILY's can mean both anger or guilt.
Personally, I would let it go for now.
I see NOTHING wrong in asking where your partner went or who they saw - I want to make the clear. It think most people ask that out of:
1. curiosity
2. to share the experience
3. have something to talk about.
The fact that she didn't MENTION where or whom she went with in the first place ( Like I went to so and so bar/pub/mall/lunch with Anna or Bob) seems a little odd. But YOU know her better then I do. Is that the norm for her?
I would however try and talk to her about how it made you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): you two need to sit down and talk about this.
We can only guess, but with what you've said, it might be an emotional affair that's just started.
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