A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts, I'm feeling a little low. I was in a relationship for 5 and a half years. We were childhood sweethearts and got to together at the age of 17. I loved him to pieces but the relationship fizzled out after around the 4th year. We stayed together our of love, habit, comfort and other reasons. Obviously in the 18th months before the relationship ended we did have good times but we both took each other for granted. We stopped appreciating each other and started arguing all of the time. I was miserable and unhappy and started finding other people attractive and probably looking for a way out of the relationship. I eventually ended the relationship 6 months ago and he was devastated. He refused to talk to me or meet me for 4 weeks prior to me ending the relationship as he tried to avoid it happening. In the end I was forced to end it via a text as he refused to meet me in person or answer my calls. I've always felt like there wasn't any closure on the relationship because we never actually ended the relationship properly. I text him and he never replied. Anyway I've been happy these last 6 months and enjoyed life. I haven't really thought about him apart from around Christmas time as it was strange being without him for the first Christmas in nearly 6 years. However these last two weeks I can't get him off my mind. With valentines day approaching I started to miss him and wonder how he was. I've still got his belongings so I text him asking if he was ok and if he wanted his things back but he didn't reply. Today would of been our 6th year anniversary and I'm really not sure what I want. I'm not sure if I miss him because it's the first special occasion without him, whether I miss him out of lonliness or whether I finally realise that I do love him regardless of out faults. I don't know whether to contact him or continue being strong and not to look back into my past.
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anniversary, christmas, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): This is the same old story, people have been telling you to move on, it sounds to me, you have second thoughts,he might be thinking, you are playing games, an he has friends that are telling him, not to talk to you, but deep down inside he might be still in love with you, an is having a hard time, trying to figure out, if you are real or just playing games. So I would say, send him a tex an tell him, how you really feel in your heart, what would it hurt, you made a big mistake, hey its been only 6 months, if he really was in love with you, his heart is still crying, an how would it feel to hold him in your arms again. And feel his eyes in your heart.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I agree do with do not contact him. You contacting him is for your own comfort and that's not fair to him.
you can throw his stuff out now it's been months since he's needed it and if he did need it he knew where it was and how to get it. He's made it VERY clear he wants NO CONTACT with you... getting his stuff back from you is not in his picture.
If you can't bear to throw his stuff out, then box it up and put it in the attic till you forget about it and when you move you can toss it then.
or donate it.
Leave him alone since you don't know what you want and are probably just reacting to the silly holiday.... and he's made it clear he wants NO CONTACT... respect that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): You don't want closure, OP, you have that by the fact he's not responding. You miss him and don't want to deal with the pain that the recent dates have brought back and think being in contact with him will make that okay.
It won't, in fact you'll make it ten times worse.
OP loving someone despite of your faults, doesn't mean you can make it work. Just because you decide that you can look beyond those faults doesn't mean if you decided to be with him that those faults wouldn't bring up the same shit again as soon as you stop missing him.
OP it can take anything from 6 months to 2-3 years to truly be over a 5 year relationship. You might be fine most days but it;s the special days that come up every year you reflect on what you lost. But it's not a true reflection at all, it's just the memories of the good times making the bad times seem insignificant but you know deep down in your heart that those bad times do matter and they would be a big deal again.
You have to tough it out, and you have to stop acting like a bit of a stalker and let him go. I'd find it exceptionally annoying for an ex who dumped me, rightly so, to keep messaging me on the days she needs a little comfort. You lost that privilege when the relationship ended.
Keep being strong, you know nothing good will come out of contacting him. I mean what is he's still furious and decides to fuck you out of it and tell you how horrible you are, or how you meant nothing, or he has a new girlfriend or something and that's the best case scenario. The worst is that he stupidly decides it's a good idea for you too to reconnect and completely reset all that pain you endured when you first broke up.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 February 2014):
 Don't do anything at all just now because I'm fairly sure these ambivalent feelings are a reaction to the anniversary, compounded by Christmas and Valentines day. So please don't do anything on impulse.
I would generally suggest, though, to leave him be full stop. He didn't reply to your message, effectively meaning he's gone No Contact, and this is no doubt to try to get over you. Let him grieve the end of the relationship.
Keep being strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): You have already contacted him. "I've still got his belongings so I text him asking if he was ok and if he wanted his things back but he didn't reply."
He didn't reply. If he had wanted to get in contact with you he would have responded then. He probably doesn't want to maintain contact with you.
Sorry
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2014):
 You ended it. Don't be cruel and start toying with him if you don't know what you want. There is no more anniversary. The 6-year mark wasn't reached, and the relationship is now dead. You need to get on with getting over him, not dwelling in the past because that's sadistic to him and masochistic to yourself.
Closure is overrated. You need to be your own closure and move on. He avoided the pain, but you can't do the same thing. There was a reason why you broke up with him, so don't let nostalgia and an inability to explore your own possibilities in life pull you right back in only to repeat the cycle the next time you feel taken for granted.
*You* made the decision to split. *You* took the action. *You* need to accept it and move on with your life. That is the only closure that is healthy, not pining after him, contacting him reminding him of the failure to reach 6 years and goind back and forth. That is not closure. This is.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I don't think calling him is a good idea as he is ignoring your messages. I also think that it is part of why you want to contact him, we don't like being ignored.
If you call and he ignores you , you will become more obsessive in terms of wanting to get hold of him. Let it go, its in your best interest.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 February 2014):
 “I eventually ended the relationship”Why did you break up with him only to want to call him up again? You said “he was devastated” when you broke up. So calling him up again would do what exactly?
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