A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help.I don't know how to make a very important decision - to have or not to have a child.My partner of many years, who I am very happy with, is happy either way. He, and myself, have done plenty of research and we're very aware of just how much of a commitment parenthood is. If we choose to have a child, we will be there for him/her and put their needs first 110% of the time.I'm early thirties and I'm aware I don't have a lot of time left to make this decision.. but it's not one I'm taking lightly. I know I would be a great parent, so would my partner. Problem is, my sister has (what is un-diagnosed and un-medicated but I am confident is) borderline personality disorder, my grandfather was bipolar, my uncle is schizophrenic, my auntie is a possible borderline with psychopathic tendencies.. that's just one side of my family!I want to make this decision sensibly. My sister, once she turned 15, changed completely and I often felt we should've held a funeral for her, because the girl I grew up with seemed now dead inside. She's in her 30s and still living and freeloading off my tired, deflated parents. Her mental illness and the associated failed and abusive relationships, the mood swings, the drug abuse and criminal charges changed their entire life. Once reasonably wealthy, they're now poor, as they had to rescue her out of so many situations, bringing her home after she impulsively left the country etc.Anyway, when I look at my peers having children, these beautiful little children and their families look so happy.. and I'm reminded that I don't have a lot of time left to make this decision.. I remember that we, too, were once a happy family like that.. enjoying growing up together and learning about the world. I know, firsthand, how all of that can just change, almost overnight. My sister's mental illness affected the dynamic of my family and I feel I missed out on a mum and dad because, understandably, their time was completely devoted to helping my sister. Yes, this sounds selfish of me to say, but years of abuse from this woman, there's no love left. I have tried to help so many times and you get kicked in the face and it's hard to love a person who feels no empathy and who is forever baiting those around her for her own enjoyment.Anyway, the thought of my future child turning out like my sister and emotionally draining us for the rest of our lives is scaring me off having kids! Am I being sensible by choosing not to have a child based on genetics alone? I no longer feel love for my sister.. she has just put our family through so much and has NEVER attempted to get help for herself. Part of my concern is what some would say is selfish. It scares me to parent a child that could turn out this way.. but also, my sister feels completely empty and she's forever searching for fulfillment in vein. She doesn't realise she has a problem. She lives with so much emotional pain.. I don't want my child to live this way.. this joyless existence. Can you give me any advice, perhaps based on your experience? The problem is there's no predicting mental illness genetic predisposition. You just have to cross your fingers and hope for the best. I know how mental illness can be a cancer of the mind.I look forward to hearing from you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): Thank you Celtic Tiger. That was an amazing post. Your cousin, sadly, sounds identical to my sister. Those poor parents!
I really appreciate you sharing this with me. Thank you so much :)
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 October 2015):
 I think it is understandable that you are worried, after all the emotional stresses and strains that you have had to cope with. You have been strong to survive and are in a great place with your life and relationship, which is a good thing!
Take that as a positive.
But, genetics are funny things, and any baby you create with your partner will be a mix of both yours and his DNA. I agree that you should talk to a doctor to ask what the medical chances of passing these things on could be - it might be that they are nothing to do with genetics per-se, but rather a mixture of other factors. If all these cases are on one side of your parents family, you will also have genes from your other parent, which will have mixed to make you. Being watered down again, when you mix your genes with your partner.
Your sister sounds like she had a pretty normal childhood, and that her problems came on during her teenage years. As she has not be officially diagnosed with a mental health problem, could you be trying to excuse her behaviour with a medical reason, when she might just be a really selfish egocentric person? People like that do exist, without any kind of mental health issue. Sadly.
Personality between siblings can vary dramatically. I have adopted cousins, who are half sisters. They have different fathers but the same mother, and my aunt and uncle adopted them when they were about 4 & 2 years old.
These two were given a loving home, never wanted for anything, and were loved completely. But they couldn't be more different if you compared day and night, despite having the same upbringing. Even in looks they are completely different.
The younger one is completely different to her elder sister. She is caring, friendly, intelligent, hard working, and would do anything to help her adoptive parents.
The elder sister, well, she has a violent streak, rude, angry, lazy. Underage sex, drugs, alcohol. Teenage pregnancy. Ran off and married a soldier, more children. Divorce. This was nothing to do with mental health, just pure bloody mindedness and selfishness. A lot of it was deliberate to cause trouble. She knew what she was doing, and Basically, my aunt and uncle were run ragged, trying to keep up with her, bailing her out, clearing up her mess, looking after the grandchildren when she would dump them to go after a new man. Thankfully now, in her 30's she has calmed down a huge amount, is married to a decent man and has finally got her life back on track. But it has been a long road. Interestingly, the grandchildren are all very nice, polite and well-rounded, in spite of everything they went through in their early years!
My point I am trying to make is that, genetically they are a completely different mix of genes, which has affected them in different ways. They may be half siblings, but they are very different.
Just because you may have family members who have problems, does not mean that these will be passed on.
You are genetically different to your sister - a different combination of your parents genes. You do not share the same *code*.
Talk to your doctor, tell him your worries. They may be able to help you understand the genetic process and alleviate your fears, or just give your more information for you to make a more informed decision.
It would be a shame to miss out on motherhood because you were too scared of a problem which might not happen! You seem to be beating yourself up over this, and causing yourself stress and anguish. Be kind to your own wellbeing, and get solid facts before you start assuming the worst. You never know, things just might be better than you fear!
Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Thank you "male reader" for your advice. Fortunately, I have little to nothing to do with my sister but I speak nicely to her & ignore the baiting for my parents' sake. We only speak as you would with the person at the checkout or the bank, not as though we have any kind of relationship. I want to keep it that way too. I don't want to be pulled into any mental games or be the outlet for her anger. I had that for too many years.
Thank you also "female reader". I am so sorry to hear of your mum. I can't imagine the pain you endured. Made me cry reading your post :( You are very right. It is difficult at THIS time of my life when my clock is ticking & I know there are many joys in parenting, but I think, like you, I would find peace in my decision later in life. My sister is still living with my parents & she's over 30. So I could be in my 70's - 80's and still parenting a borderline. The "raise your kids for 18 years till they leave home" thing doesn't apply when you have a mentally ill child. They need parenting for the rest of their lives & I am very aware of that, watching my parents struggle everyday.
I so so appreciate hearing your story. Thank you for sharing that with me :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Thank you Honeypie for your advice. I will talk to my doctor.. I don't think it's predictable in any way but it's worth checking.. I shouldn't assume that.
Thank you so much Janniepeg. Yes, I have written in a few months ago. I think I've made a decision but then I start swaying again & I just feel better reaching out & getting advice. It's just so wonderful that I could hear from someone like you who is so familiar with the fears of passing down genetic issues. I am so sorry to hear about your son's ADHD.
I want to be as sure as possible. My mum said, "You don't think about that, you just pray your baby will be healthy & go for it." I am surprised with her genetics that she went ahead without a second thought. She said her siblings and parent's issues never entered her mind! But her life is forever changed now.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be fine but I know I'll be a carrier for all these things, as you say.
I appreciate hearing your advice so so much. Thank you very very much :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 October 2015):
 I would talk to a doctor and see if this can be determined through genetic counseling, there might be a way to tell, there might not. Worth a try to ask.
I understand your fear. And I DO think it's smart to consider this BEFORE having kids.
Adopting is not always a sure way to avoid these issues, as you don't always know the parent's full medical history.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Your description of your sister is very similar to the description of my mother. My mother was an alcoholic and I now realise that she also probably had significant mental health issues. She was a deeply unhappy woman which made her mean, bitter, nasty, violent, and she took great pleasure in baiting those around, especially her own children. Our childhood was hard and deeply unhappy. She did not feed us, look after us, or wash our clothes, pay any of the bills (we frequently had the electricity disconnected) and the house was beyond disgusting. She spent most nights in the pub and would then come staggering home to take our her misery on us. From time to time she would also present us with a new "uncle" who was invariably as much an alcoholic as she was.This all happened a long time ago. If it was happening now I am sure that my sister and I would be under the watchful eye of the social services. The reason I am telling you this is because I empathise totally with your predicament - whether or not to risk having a child.In my case, I decided against having a child as I could not take the risk of giving birth to anyone like my mother. It was hard in my late 30s and early 40s when my biological clock was ticking loud, but now in my 50s I am comfortable with my decision and do not regret it. I am also comfortable and happy with my life. I do hope that this helps you somewhat. All the very best. X
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 October 2015):
 I know you've been collecting answers for a few months now. What you would be getting is a mixture of, yes have it, no don't, or this is your decision.
I myself would not have a baby. My ex husband was a wreckless, impulsive person although talented. In my pregnancy I kept hoping the baby would be more like me. My son is 9 and has ADHD (hopefully it's something he would grow out of). So my prayer didn't work. There are times I am proud of him, and that I rejoice being a mother and other times I wonder what freedom I have if I chose to have the abortion 10 years ago. I get fear ingrained in myself as my parents warned me that one day he will join gangs, and go to prison. I have a more laissez faire style of parenting while my parents were more traditional and strict. I am still waiting for one day that I would be happy and never regret creating this child.
I can deal with ADHD, autism, gay, and as long as they are happy but I can't deal with down syndrome, schizophrenia, alcoholism, borderline, or bipolar. If people call me selfish so be it. I think bringing a child into this world knowing he/she has a chance of developing such problems would be more selfish. There are some people who like to put the blame on parents when there are behavior in children. Sometimes it's both nature and nurture. You turned out fine. Doesn't mean you should gamble your chances.
You may look into adoption but that's not without risk too. Children without a stable bond with biological parents have a greater chance of developing attachment problems when they enter relationships. they might do desperate things to hang onto a lover, being extremely protective of the relationship, sometimes to the price of isolating caretakers like their adopted parents. When you look at genetic risk vs. environmental risk no one can tell you the exact percentage. I can just tell you the reality so you can have an informed decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): ive come across your question without an answer so here is my input.I think you should add up your positives.You and the boyfriend love each other and intend to stick together!That alone is good for having a baby.Your sister is not you and you are not showing signs of inherited mental illness,nor is your boyfriend so there is a very good chance that neither will your child.You are under no obligation to live near your parents and sister so you could bring your child up away from the influence of your sister and your parents.That would be good for you too. And you could restrict contact to occassional picnics in a park where you can leave if the situation starts to look ugly.So i would say have the baby and dont let other people intimidte you with their mental illness and then emigrate to somewhere like australia and only skyoe occassionally.
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