A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Sorry to being negativity to the table but i'm feeling lonely and wasn't sure where to go to with this.Basically I recently broke up with an abusive boyfriend of many years. I've had a really busy couple of weeks in work and so haven't had chance go mull over it too much. Now i've broken up from work and have the chance relax however I just feel lonely. I have a son but he's off doing his own thing and so i'm on my own all over again. I think being this time of year has made things worse.I know people will say get a hobby etc or keep busy/volunteer over Christmas but to be honest i'm just feeling sorry for myself right now and not feeling up-to doing anything social. To clarify, I don't miss my ex, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than take him back but I don't have any single friends and I don't money for hobbies.I guess this is more of a vent to be honest.Can anybody relate?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2019): Yes, I can completely relate.
And - sorry - it could get worse before it gets better.
When we haven't built a secure and enjoyable enough life for ourself, just as a person in our own right, we can all too easily fall into the trap of looking for other people, especially a partner, to act like a kind of 'instant filler'. It's addictive: it means we temporarily escape the fear of alone-ness, the fear of being unloved, the fear of, basically, having to build our own life.
Whatever you feel is missing from your life right now - whether it is single friends or money or ideas for how to fill your time - is exactly the 'sore spot' that YOU need to work on in order to feel good about yourself. The more you work on that, the less you will be addicted to abusive people - and it is an addiction, because, like a drug, it helps to mask a deep rooted fear of having to cope with the big wide world.
I don't know if you are a single Mum - it seems like it from your post - but I was from a very young age. We're all different, but it really affected my self esteem because although I loved my daughter absolutely, I had been exceptionally shy beforehand and found the judgements against me as a single mum very, very difficult to cope with socially and in terms of making friends and getting a decent boyfriend. That's how I fell into the trap of accepting an abusive partner; I felt 'less than' or 'soiled goods', especially because my husband had abandoned us completely. I felt like I had to be the one doing all the 'tolerating' and I read stupid things on the internet about being loving and open to people in order to welcome them into your life - this was very extreme advice, and it meant I did not have any sense of self respect or know how to put healthy boundaries in place, instead I was accepting anyone and everyone and bending over backwards to please people - a doormat, basically.
I would suggest think in terms of small steps. A book that has really helped me recently is "Think Forward to Thrive"; it helps you to identify what you actually want from your life and helps you to plan how to work towards it, whether its small things like dressing better or larger things like buying a home or getting a new partner. I started out very, very lonely like you and I was only in my early 20s with a young daughter - having absolutely no friends, no family, 2 abusive ex-partners, no job, no furniture even - absolutely nothing. Today I own three properties, and a job I love, have a small, very select group of close friends and many friends and acquaintances. My daughter and I have a great relationship and she's got a lovely partner, job and home of her own. I had to work very, very hard and go through many heartbreaks in terms of making and losing friends and other kinds of mistakes, because I had to effectively learn how to be an adult and how to know what I actually enjoyed and what I didn't. It didn't come easy, and I still have to be careful about letting people use me (I still tend to be too giving), but it started by being willing to try and at least get out of the trap of loneliness I was in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): I definitiely can relate. After a big break up my life felt empty and I realised I'd put aside most of my own interests, friends and priorities for my partner. It's a long hard slog back to having your own life and feeling like a complete person by yourself but you will get there. This is the hard part. You're getting through it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 December 2019):
 First of all, a big WELL DONE for getting out of this relationship. For the first time in years, you can look forward to a better future, starting right NOW. Now THAT has to be something to smile about.
Christmas can be a particularly lonely time for some because we have been conditioned to expect it to be all about laughter and merriment and friends and family. The thing is, this is just ONE way of spending the festive season. There are many other ways. For instance, my OH and I both hate the commercialism of Christmas. I (more than him) completely refuse to get drawn into it. Yes, we exchange small gifts and buy presents for those closest to us because THEY expect it but, apart from that, we carry on as normal. On Christmas day we don't bother about lunch but have a takeaway curry in the evening. Last year we had OH's elderly mother come to us on Christmas evening because she didn't want to go to her partner's family with him. We picked out things together off the menu which she would enjoy and, washed down with lashings of gin and tonic (her favourite), she had a thoroughly relaxed and enjoyable evening, so much so that she's coming to spend the evening with us again this year.
What I am trying to say is that you don't have to fall into the trap of believing you SHOULD be having lots of fun, you SHOULD be eating your own body-weight in food, you SHOULD be drinking yourself into oblivion. You can spend Christmas any way you wish. It is just another day. What would you really LIKE to do? Stay in bed and watch tv? Go for a walk and then have a quiet lunch? The possibilities are only limited by your imagination and your wishes. You have nobody to please but yourself.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas during which you can lick your wounds, gather your thoughts and build up energy to start a fresh and better life. Stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): What you're going through now is part of your healing-process. You've been too busy (running from yourself); but now your emotions are catching-up with you.
You need time to grieve and purge some emotion. Get pissed and scream, or curl-up in the fetal-position and suck your thumb! Roll-up your car windows (borrow a car if you don't have one); and scream at the top of your lungs in an empty parking lot. Oh, that feels so good! You don't want scare anybody; so make sure nobody's around!
This is the stage when you'll start to realize the breakup is real, and a long-time coming. Videos of the past will play in your memory; and all sorts of ruminations and surges of grief will plague your mind.
Go home and talk to your mother or father.
These days, people seem to have no use for their parents and grandparents! Did I fall asleep under some rock, and suddenly every family on the planet is dysfunctional? Is there no longer any use (besides borrowing money), or any feelings of affection left for the people who brought them into the world? Was Sigmund Freud's twisted theories about how we feel about parents true? His opinions creep me out! Ugh!
My family is always a resource for mind-rejuvenation and love. My parents have passed-away, and I envy people who still have theirs; but don't like or need them! Mom died when I was a teenager; but good-old dad was always a phone-call away. Wish I could have cloned him! I miss his stories, and the way he made all my problems seem so small. Every piece of his advice started with..."back when I was your age..." I humored him, no comparison!
If you have a halfway-decent relationship with either, or both, of your parents; maybe they'd love a pre-holiday visit. Just sit and share some coffee, lean on a shoulder, and talk about the old-times. In America, politics has driven everyone away from their parents; and I will not get started on the reprehensible government official who made it all possible. Fortunately, we grew-up on a heart-full of Jesus; and it didn't leave much room for hate. We disagree, bicker, and we argue; but it ain't about politics! I need them, and they need me!
Sort-out your feelings, sweetheart. Pour yourself a glass of wine, or a hot cup of tea; and get out the photo-album. Look at his baby pictures and your family-photos. Write your feelings and emotions down in a journal. Keep a daily-diary of your feelings as you go on your rollercoaster ride of emotions. You'll feel fine one-day, and in raging bitch-mode the next! Then you'll feel numb, and have to pinch yourself to make sure you're still alive! Nothing will matter at all! You still have to snap out of it! Never allow yourself to sink. Never! Defy depression!
Try not to take yourself too seriously; and you can even write an article like I did. It was very therapeutic! I love to read the posts and responses to other readers from the aunts and uncles. It pulled me through! It's okay to focus on yourself, that's how you initiate your healing. You put all you've go into taking care of your son; and now it's all about you, my dear!
I wrote these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-through-the-holidays-after-a.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
Maybe these will put a smile on your face. I can relate to your feelings, that's why I wrote them.
May God bless and guide you, and bring you comfort! Have a lovely Holiday!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (21 December 2019):
 Sure I can relate but let me give some cold hard advice. No matter how lonely you are DO NOT go back to him. Been there..done that. Remind yourself of what he put you through and keep strong. You don't need him!
If you are feeling sorry for yourself then why not do some volunteer work in your spare time? There is nothing that makes you appreciate your life and what you have more than going to a retirement home, an animal shelter or a hospital. It will help others and will do your heart good.
You're going to be ok! The holidays are rough for many people especially when you've lost someone you love or once loved. I know I sound repetitive but KEEP busy. Keep your mind busy. Learn something new. Can you learn how to knit? crochet? Anything that doesn't cost alot of money and there are many things out there. Keep reminding yourself how good it is that you are away from him..not how sad you are without him. Stay strong sweetie. It will bet better.
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