A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone im writing because im really confused on who to be with or at least who to try and be with. okay so the first guy is my ex boyfriend of about six months now but we still live together after the first part of the breakup due to a lease. we were both fine with the arrangement and started off in separate bedrooms but progressed to usually sleeping together but just sleeping and maybe some cuddling. then things got heated up again and we went back to separate.i love this guy very much but im not and havent been in love with him in a while. basically our relationship was great for the first two years then got kind of rocky but we stuck it out and then right around year four we moved in together. we couldnt wait and thought it would be great but it wasnt because ewe decided to have roommates and it turned more into a bachelor pad with me added in. this is when i started falling out of love .i told my boyfriend how i was beginning to feel and some things changed but it was almost just like to much damage had already been done and then we ended up having to move in a rush and got an apartment with just each other. this time it went okay and things were looking up but then quite a few issues popped up and he kind of quit going to work and i was paying for everything and he was just still more into being with his frinds than me so this led to our recent break up.... the second guy happened right after my break up which made everyone think i was leaving my boyfriend for this other guy but i wasnt at all and nothing ever happened with him unitl we were over all the way and they also knew each other which in turn makes me the worst person of the year to everyone. but anyways he makes me feel things iv never even felt before in a five year relationship and he already knows so much more about me because he actually pays attention and listens and doesnt do all the things i hate like my ex still does to this day and we have great conversations and love all the same music and he just makes me smile like no one else ever has. we even have amazing sex thats mindblowing almost daily and my ex and i were lucky to do it once a month if that. i have really fell for this guy the past few months but i called things off ddue to my living situation getting in the way. so while things were called off y ex has been trying his hardest to work his way back in and he has been awesome lately and doing all the things he never did but i find myself resenting alot if it since he never did it before like buying me random flowers. after more time wetn by i started getting some feelings back for my ex and now im in this dilemma of who to be with or who to give a chance to. the guy iv been with since high school that im completely comfortable being around and who i do love very deeply but that doesnt make me feel like hes my man or that doesnt make me smile like the other guy and who i never have sex because when i do it always goes bad? or this new guy that is really great and has sweept me off my feet and that makes me grin from ear to ear but he already has a kid and is in the military and is most likely getting deployed sometime this year? theres so much more to both of them but i know im already dragging it out. one of main things it boils down to though for me is the sex, as bad as it sounds, should i be not be with my ex just because we never have sex because it just isnt good to me? truthfully id love to be with him if the sex issue was fixed but any thoughts on my long rant would be appreciated. thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Any thoughts?
Yes. Your former boyfriend IS your ex - yet you are still living with him. A very bad idea. What you should do is move out immediately and get a place on your own. NOT move somewhere else with your ex, and NOT with this new guy.
There were numerous problems with the first guy and doubtless you contributed to them as well as he. But now it's time to put that relationship where it belongs: in the past.
You met and rushed into a relationship with the new man right after the split with your former boyfriend. It's not surprising people assumed you left f.bf for someone else.
It would have shown better judgment on your part to have not raced into being with someone new, and taken some time to be on your own for a few months. OR, even if you met this new person right away (who appears wonderful right now, but when infatuation is at work, they always do - until you really begin to get to know each other and reality starts to set in, and you see each others' less-desirable qualities. THEN if you can accept one another, "warts and all" is when you start building a long-term, mutually happy relationship. Real love develops slowly).
Anyway, to go back a little: meeting this new man, you COULD have chosen to be friends for a while, no more, while you cleaned up the mess with your ex, and taken some time alone to get over that relationship, and reflect and learn from it.
As things now stand, I think you'd do well to back off from the new man as well. You may not want to, but it would be good discipline, and in your own - and his - best interests. If the feelings are genuine, a lot less contact won't hurt. And, if it does fade away, you'll know it wasn't really meant to be.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Your ex is irresponsible, he tried changing but that's not enough to make you feel like he's your man. The new guy will be a long distance relationship. You will make a better decision once you find a better living arrangement. You'll also have the option to date other people when your mind is clear. Don't think of it as being stuck in a dilemma and don't think just for the moment. Look at the bigger picture. Picking one or the other gives you a pseudo sense of accomplishment, like getting a job done, but neither one sounds like a good catch for now. Your ex had never treated you like a boyfriend only until he's about to lose you. So not getting back with him you are not really missing anything. He can't really be a good roommate because he quit his job and didn't pay. You broke things of with the new guy. Let that be. If you contact him again you're going to look wishy washy, and that's not a good foundation to start a relationship.
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