A
female
age
36-40,
*orldmap
writes:My husband is an alcoholic. Idk why it wasnt so obvious before except that I recently quit drinking and I guess his drunkenness is more noticeable. He is active duty. He somehow excels at work and no one knows he is a raging alcoholic. He continuously says I'm a monster and people dont know the truth about me, and I'm just flabbergasted how he can zero in on everything wrong with me while being the way he is. He drinks about a 12 case of beer a day. It's normal for him to buy a bottle of wine or champagne and demolish those too. Luckily he keeps away from liquor mainly because he likes the taste of beer and he says liquor makes him crazy. He isnt wrong. It does. We both drank in the past. But I cant anymore. My body cant handle it. I spent almost 20 years as a binge drinker and a complete trainwreck. I noticed after we got married, everything was always my fault. He would never say sorry. He would give me silent treatments and say he was done with me. I actually had a silent treatment that lasted months before. Looking back, I have linked the way he treats me as very close to how my father treats me. He knows my dad would use not talking to me as a form of punishment and control. My dad routinely called my brother and I late at night (parents were split) and would drunk ramble and make us feel bad. At around the age of 16, I told him fuck off. My dad never forgave me for getting angry with him, and he completely cut off contact with me. At my big brothers High School graduation, my whole family was in the bleachers. My dad spoke to everyone, even sat next to me, but would not look at or talk to me. He looked through me. My uncle (mom's side) was blown away at what a childish, cruel asshole he was being. At around 20 years old I had my first child. I bit the bullet and called my dad to deliver the news. We hadnt talked in 4 years. He wouldnt talk to me unless I first said sorry. I was a new mom, a grown up, amd chose to turn the cheek and say sorry, because I wanted my dad back and for my daughter to have a grandpa. At the time he was dating a lady, and they both showered me with attention and gifts when I came to visit across the country with my baby. I was happy. When I returned to the east coast, his gf got mad that she would call me on the phone and I wouldn't return her calls quick enough. He addressed this with me and told me to say sorry to her. I told him no, and explained I'm a new mom, I'm tired, my baby is brand new and I'm busy. He didnt care and it was say sorry again or stand up for myself. I was 20, and told him I wont say sorry. I'm 36 now, he has never contacted me since. So, it took a while for me to link this behavior to how my husband treats me. I found my father. They're both alc0homics, will not say sorry or admit wrong, will not go to counseling. Their love is conditional. My husband is getting worse. I try to control his drinking to an extent but the thing I really go out of my way to control is his porn use. That really bothers me and makes me feel awful. For years I have accused him late at night of watching porn. Sometimes I'm right sometimes I'm wrong. But the thought of him doing it while I sleep in the next room has become an obsession with me. I have caught him many times. We rarely have sex. Maybe a few times, not enjoyable times. The time I caught him he said I was imagining it, accusing him for no reason, and being a nazi. But I know what I saw. It drives me nuts he can tell me I'm crazy and being a nazi when I literally catch him. He gets pissed I dont trust him and request he keep the door open to the living room at night. He says I'm controlling his every move. I admit I'm obsessed and can't let it go but I'm not wrong. He DOES watch porn. It pisses me off, it hurts, he doesnt care. He has always refused counseling. Marriage counseling wouldnt work because according to him I'm the problem. If I try to talk about thinks calmly, I am shut down. If I get upset or try to persist, he becomes enraged and says things like, "you just cant stop!!!" "You cant just leave shit alone!" "I dont want to talk and I dont have to!" Its totally unfair. I have turned a blind eye to alot. He set out a bunch of boundaries for me and I have made huge efforts to change. I stopped drinking.I went to therapy.I went to group therapy.I found a job even though before we got married he insisted I dont have to work.I started taking over bills to help out. I've done everything he asks and he only has grown more hateful of me. The more I try to prove myself, the more he says I'm a monster. He himself has done NOTHING I have asked. Things he even promised without me asking, before we got married. He continues to drink. Heavily. He is mildly abusive and becoming worse with how he gets when he drinks. He calls me bitch now. He tells me I'm a monster and he does other things that would take forever to read. He spends days playing video games only getting up to pee or smoke. He comes home from his job and from the time he sits down until the time he goes to bed, hes playing games on the computer. My son and I eat together and spend time together without him. The times we all spend time together it's what HE wants to do, in the living room HE hangs out in. Last night, NYE, he wanted to hang out and drink with me. He knows I dont drink anymore but offered me champagne more than once. He is on Chantix to quit smoking right now. If I had offered him cigarettes while he was trying to quit he would be furious. But it's ok for him to shiver alcohol in my face when he knows I have a problem drinking. What gets me the most, is that somehow he will not even acknowledge his part in all of this. He truly believes I'm the bad guy, that I am a horrible human who has tried to control and keep him down. I know deep down NO HEALTHY woman would accept this from a man. If a husband wouldnt sleep with their wife, spend time with their wife without being forced, if a husband kept all finances separate, wouldnt add his wife to the house they bought while married, most women would say FUCK THAT. But he swears to God that isnt true and that I'm listening to movies and TV too much. He swears that it's normal to play video games for 9 hours straight and tune out the family. He makes me feel like I am crazy for noticing these things as abnormal. And then, if I stand firm, he says we are divorcing and I crumble. I myself have a disability where I can only work part time. He knows I'm financially dependent on him. I'm starting to truly lose the will to live sometimes. I'm a hard worker. Yes I can be overbearing and controlling but it in my opinion pales in comparison to his bullshit. My mother said I'm controlling because a healthy woman wouldn't waste her time trying to control the situation. She would leave and find someone who meets her needs. I'm on another silent treatment and he locked me out of the room last night and barricaded the door. I would have fallen on my knees, hysterical and crying in the past but I dont do that anymore. I'm very matter of fact. I try to show him it doesnt bother me. I dont let him kick me out of our bed anymore. But on the inside it still hurts. And during these times, he does things to try and piss me off. He drinks more and watches porn more, knowing it will get to me. So when I finally lose my cool over it he can say I am crazy amd controlling and that is why he is divorcing me. Am I a candidate for al anon or is my issues deeper? I'm lost... I would do anything for this man but I know he wouksnt for me. I gave up a lot of reckless behaviors and I continually try to better myself and grow as a person but I know he will never go to counseling or quit drinking. And that hurts that I'm not important enough for him to change the way I made my marriage important enough to try to change the things about me that were toxic.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2021): Yes you have been sensible and pro active about who you are and where you are going but then you stop and then you complain about your husband. Please remember that when he asked you to marry him you said yes and you had time to change your mind before the wedding. After you married him you found out he is unworthy of you, so what do you do, you complain? The usual thing to do is get a separation and then a divorce. Why don't you? Nobody here can do it for you. Nobody here can tell your husband to be nice to you.
Why would you want to be with such a man?
My first husband showed his true colours after we got married, he was very violent and terrible with money, expecting me to work very long hours so that he could continually waste money on luxuries we could not afford, and get into debt. I was only about nineteen but I knew it was pointless to talk to him, or try to change him,
and no matter how hard I worked on myself what difference would it make to how he was? I got separated and divorced as soon as I could, it took me a while as he had got me into such a financial mess and I had to save secretly. I was being pressured by my grandmother and mother to stay with him - because both of them had stayed with awful husbands who they were sick of because in their eyes divorce is wrong no matter what.
We often have to face difficult choices but this should be an easy one! You are the one who will benefit from it, but you have to face that there are always bad bits that go with the good bits, it might be more abuse, arguments, people not understanding and judging you unfairly,but keep your eye fixed on the main objective and forget those bits and do not use them as an excuse to carry on being miserable and moaning instead of doing what you need to do.
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female
reader, Worldmap +, writes (4 January 2021):
Worldmap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I just applied for a town home so I guess that's my 1st step. Yes I am complaining but don't think that I am not thinking about ways out because I am. I only just came to this conclusion a few days ago that it wouldn't get better. We had a really great holiday with the entire family and I was starting to think maybe things could change but after him getting drunk again and the nastiness that happened in the past few days I really is it's never going to change. Right now I am trying to find a place for my dog and my son that isn't in the ghetto. Believe me I really do think about my son and it kills me inside I hate those for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): You are always welcome here to vent your frustrations and to seek reassurance and comfort from the aunts and uncles on DC. However, you will have to go beyond complaining and venting for the sake of your physical and mental-health. You have to protect your son. We offer readers grassroots downhome-advice; drawn from on our own experience and educational background. Be it academic-knowledge, or learned from the school of hard-knocks. We're human, and have faced what you've faced.
Complaining is just complaining when there is no proactive-movement to seek change. The benefits of therapy are reversed when you sit in the hotbed of abuse and conflict; which only exacerbates mental-illness, and can cause relapse for alcoholics and drug-addicts. Your environment and those you are around contribute to your healing and well-being; or they can make your illness worse. Therapy and pills are only helpful or effective for those who remove themselves from environments that cause them anxiety, stress, and undue pressure. Pills don't cure life's problems. They numb you to them.
Complaining is fine, but the question still remains: "Whattaya gonna do about-it?" Sympathy and pity don't feed the bulldog!!!
Taking the focus off you for a moment, what about your son? He has to witness two people on an assortment of medications (and/or alcohol), full of tension, and constantly bickering with each-other! Using no filters, and saying whatever pops into their heads at the moment! He is confined under covid-19 restrictions that keeps him around this nonsense all day long!!! That has a profound emotional-effect on children. If you're having difficulty dealing with it as an adult, what about the emotional impact it has the that poor kid, listening to all this foul-language and seeing the rage? His dad drinks too much, shows a lot of aggression, raises his voice; and verbally-abuses his mother right in-front of him! He is going to treat women just the way he sees his father treating you! To top it off, your husband also directs his aggression towards his son!
It's both your moral-responsibility as parents to protect an innocent child from all this kind of stuff! Children eventually act-out, and it will start to show it's adverse-effects on his behavior. If nothing else, put the child first! Your issues are adult-issues; but the child is in the midst of his childhood-development. All he sees is freaking dysfunction!!! This is all I'm going to say. You don't seem too interested in my opinion; but I hope to help people in similar circumstances. I don't force my advice and opinions on anybody. I don't waste my time like that, I simply try to make people see reason and use logic. I comfort those in pain, try to wake people up to the truth, and I try to suggest ways to seek change or assistance. What they do, is strictly their decision. Complaining is nothing but an act of futility and cowardice. If you don't like what's happening to you, then do something about it.
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reader, Worldmap +, writes (4 January 2021):
Worldmap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also have a dog I rescued to think about and zero family or friends who would take him. I feel I have to stay here until I can get my own place.
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female
reader, Worldmap +, writes (4 January 2021):
Worldmap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, ty for your answer. He asked me last night why I wont just leave so I think hes trying to force me out. If my sons father knew he was staying in a shelter he would petition the court to take him. Maybe that is best idk... I dont want to lose my son. I hate my life.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2021):
 Please check out the resources that the military has for spouses.
And consider just taking your son and go to a shelter and then start over on your own.
He knows that financially HE calls all the shots which is why he threaten divorce, but never follows through. He wants you to feel like you have no options, that you are at his mercy and beck and call. My guess is you take care of the house, cook and clean?
OP, this isn't good. And it WILL show the kids how to behave as a man - even if he knows this is bad. It will also seem "normal" to him.
I don't think you are controlling, but I think you aren't accepting reality. And reality is that you are in a toxic marriage and think you can make HIM change. You can't.
Your husband sounds like he has a LOT of issues. I can't fathom that he has superiors who doesn't see this.
I understand that it's scary to think about having to start over with nothing. But I would find it even scarier to see my SON grow up and turn into a copy of him.
USE the resources you have available. Get out.
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female
reader, Worldmap +, writes (4 January 2021):
Worldmap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIta his step son. I am thankful its not his biological son because it would be a living nightmare. Tonight, our dog peed on the rug. He never does this. Anyway I yelled and shooed the dog outside. I guess my son laughed and said OMG and that set him off. He came rushing into the dining room as I'm cleaning it and said, "____ can clean it since he thinks it's so funny" I was like WTF??? because from what I heard my son wasnt laughing like he said he was, he was more in shock and giving a laugh like what the heck dog? So we fought over that and he starts talking about this is his house, he pays the bills and I said that's not true it is our house. He said no one would agree since he pays the bills and I said well if that's true why are there so many stay at home moms out there who's husbands would NEVER say that, would never not share finances, would never make someone let alone their wives feel like a guest in their own home? He said because their wives are not a bitch. He never used to say things like this. He could be cruel but this is extreme. He has gotten nastier and nastier. I was planning on just focusing on myself and texting to stay out of his way, using this time to save money and find a way to make extra income. But with how nasty he is, unprovoked, I dont see myself being able to focus on me because I'm constantly upset to the point my blood pressure goes up. He is taking Chantix and may be more irritable because of that but honestly he has always been cruel low key. It's just more pronounced right now. In reply to the last poster, therapy has worked. As I said before, in the past I would have melted down and him saying he is done. I keep pretty calm now even when I'm so upset. My group therapy was DBT. It teaches people with my disorder to handle our emotions and reactions. Years ago the first time he said he was filing for a divorce, I started mixing bars of Xanax with beer and I was very unstable. Abandonement to me is 10x what a normal person experiences. I know heart break is tough for everyone but for a person with borderline, its equal to a death of a loved one and of self because you lose yourself in that person. It's hard to explain. What is important is, therapy HAS helped some.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): You've already come to the conclusion that you're in a no-win situation without any help from us. Your husband has checked-out emotionally; and he's almost daring you to divorce him. He's the type that shows one face to the public; but he's a monster when he gets home. People with duel-personalities are the scariest; because it's hard to convince anybody what they're really like!
Okay, you've owned-up to your contribution to the dysfunction in your marriage. If YOU'RE causing all the trouble and it's all YOUR fault, what's keeping him around??? According to your post, he's a drunk; and the type of person who won't admit they have a problem, or will never assume responsibility for what they do wrong. That's the kind of person with whom you will never reach common-ground, or resolve anything through compromise. They are emotional-bullies! He sees women as weak and defenseless. Let's assume that in his way of thinking, that's to be used to his advantage.
I would assume you've tried TRICARE and Military OneSource for free family-counseling? It's available to military families, but it seems ineffective when you've got a spouse unwilling to seek couple's/marriage counseling together. That's usually the case when someone is trying to force YOU to be the one to ask for a divorce (with a double-dare). Otherwise, you'll simply live in hell; because you're too afraid to, and you're financially-dependent on him. At his mercy!
You'll have to apply for social security disability income; if you're physically unable or too disabled (mentally and/or physically) to work a full-time job to support yourself. He's active-duty service, and would be compelled by the government to pay his court-ordered child-support and alimony. They would take the money out in a military-allotment. Your fear is all that's holding you back. Fear of being alone, and fending for yourself with a child through the unknown, without a man to lean-on. Maybe not wanting to separate a child from his father. Your self-deprecation and unmerciful self-blame seems contrary to anything you would be advised in therapy. Of course, you should take responsibility for your own bad-behavior; and you must correct it. Nonetheless, you don't beat yourself down; and curse yourself with brutal self-criticisms. That's feckless, and completely counterproductive to your counseling therapy. You build yourself up with positive-affirmations. Speak well of yourself! Acknowledge all your strengths and best qualities! God made you, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made!
It's only a matter of time. When you've finally reached the point that you simply can't take it anymore! That's when most women decide they have to leave an abusive marriage or relationship. Your post is a strong indication you've reached that point. He's begging you for a divorce, but he may be under the misguided-notion that you're powerless; and too dependent to have the courage to take the first step. That means he can be a totally rotten-jerk, he gets to stay with his kid, do as he pleases, live in the same house, not have to move-out; and you can't do diddly-squat about it! If it hurts you, too bad! Whattaya gonna do about-it?
You say you've been to counseling and group therapy. Exactly what did you gain from your counseling and therapy sessions? You're still in a dysfunctional-marriage with an alcoholic-husband. How could you be treated for alcohol-abuse and emotional-distress without addressing your emotional-triggers and your family-dysfunction? All known to cause relapses, and exacerbates your drinking problem! What did they do, just sit around in a circle knitting and telling sob-stories??? You seem no better off now than you were when you were drinking! Counseling should offer you some therapeutic benefit; and motivate you to address those issues that have driven you to drink, dysfunction, and emotional-distress.
If your husband isn't interested in real-sex, monitoring his porn usage is only adding to your frustration. Well, he is a grown-man, and doesn't take orders from you! He is inflexible, refuses to discuss your marital-problems, refuses counseling, accepts no blame, and he's headstrong. Technically, that's what's known in divorce court as irreconcilable differences. Throw in some emotional-cruelty for good-measure! He's your primary source of income, and you have a child. Receiving child-support and alimony, and how much, is up to the court. You should seek legal-consultation to determine your rights; so you can gain a little more confidence. If he refuses to divorce you, which I doubt he will, your attorney will tell you what to do. This has gone beyond love, you didn't write your novel of a post for nothing! Here's my novel of a response!
His preferred solution to your complaints is steamrolling you. His modus operandi is to paralyze you with defiance; and to obstruct any attempt to work on your marital-problems together. Why should he? He's living it up!!! He renders you hopeless, helpless, and frustrated. Seems like the excessively macho-type of man who sees females as weak and powerless. "He loves beer!"
No problem, until you love it more than your wife and family!
He is mean by all accounts; and alcohol-abuse only adds fuel to the fire. It's not uncommon for women who have abusive or overbearing-fathers to find husbands almost exactly like them. That's the only example of manhood, or the only male role-model, they really know. They confuse male-aggression with masculinity. The difference in this case is temperance. He's all-man, but a mean drunken-bully! You counter that with being controlling and gestapo about porn; but all you both seem to produce is a bad-mix! I'm not throwing gasoline on the fire here, my dear! I'm just making an observation. Married-men shouldn't even be using porn, when they've got sex on-demand! If you have an unloving cold-fish of a wife who refuses you sex for no apparent reason; other than health-issues, extreme old-age, or mental-disability. Then you can always divorce her! Use all the porn and man-ho all you like! Unfortunately, porn use by married-men is considered acceptable in modern-culture; but it seems highly destructive and divisive in a marriage when you know your wife or husband loathes it! It's just cheating in a psychological-way; which is just as hurtful as cheating with another man or woman. What are they supposed to do when they want sex, and you're all dried-up, useless, and disinterested...because you masturbate all the time? Especially, if your spouse has specifically expressed their contempt for the use of porn in their marriage! Why would you still do it??? Why don't they have a right to not want it in your marriage? Why are you married, if you don't care what hurts your spouse, and feel it's okay to do whatever you did when you were single? Makes absolutely no sense to me!!! Best reason I know to kick you to the curb! That's just me!
You are in desperate need of some spiritual-healing and comfort. You've wisely sought the help of mental-healthcare and therapy. You've found rehabilitation for your alcoholism. Now what about your soul? The spirit needs rest, nourishment, and comfort. If you were ever exposed to worship and faith, and you believe in God; maybe it is time to return to faith, prayer, and worship in your life. If you are a Christian, practicing or dormant for the moment, it is time to seek help from the Lord. Spiritual-counseling and prayer is comforting and restorative. You pray for your loved-ones and your marriage. You seek help from a Higher Power who has answers and the power to do things mankind can't. If you are an unbeliever; then you will have to rely on earthly remedies. It's my duty as a Christian to remind you of our Savior; when you are undergoing tribulation and dysfunction in your life. It's often a callback to your faith, when you see there is no other-way to find rest or peace. He, God, patiently and lovingly waits to hear your prayers, and He will listen to you. He will answer in His own time, and in His own way. Keep praying until something happens. That's called "faith." If that's not something you believe in, and it all seems like fantasy and rubbish; I still get to pray for you and your family anyway!
This is strictly my opinion and advice, it is not the opinion or belief of DC.
People have had a very rough year, and I know some may blame the Lord for being inactive or unresponsive. On the contrary! If He's quiet, He busy! Keeping record on the behavior of mankind in the Book of Life, and holding us accountable for our ways! He doesn't force Himself on anybody. He's God, and He gets to do (or not do) whatever He wishes. He can make bad good, and turn a curse into a blessing. If He wants to! If you want Him, need Him, and you love Him; He'll do anything for you! Within His loving will and wisdom to heal and comfort you. He will protect you, cleanse you, provide for you, and deliver you. All you have to do is ask! It doesn't mean you'll never face trouble or deal with evil anymore. You just won't have to face it alone, and without His help. I'll pray for you, and ask that Jesus will help you find your way, give you courage, and will help your husband to see his faults; and try to save your marriage...if that is what God wills. He may want you to leave this man. He does not approve of divorce unless your spouse has committed adultery. I think using porn fits that biblical criterion. Feel free to dismiss all this if you wish. I can pray for anybody and everybody, no matter what their religion is! Not my place to judge your faith or beliefs! That's all God's business! I will gently and lovingly urge you to seek Jesus as the way, the truth, and the life. You are given your right to choose. God doesn't possess you like a demon, He lets you come to Him of your own free-will. He's wonderful!
God bless, protect, and provide for you and your son. May he heal your husband, whether he remains with you or not. May Jesus, (I'm Christian remember!) grant you a prosperous and peaceful New Year! You deserve good-health and happiness. May the Lord give g you the strength, courage, and wisdom to succeed at whatever you do. Don't be afraid, you're never alone, He watches over you!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 January 2021):
 You cannot control your husband's behaviour. He is not a child who is in need of guidance or control. He is an adult, supposedly of "sound mind", who has the ability to choose how he behaves. He chooses to behave very badly. For this he has no regret, no remorse and no desire to do better in the future.
You may love him but you know he is an alcoholic and alcoholics' No 1 love will always be their alcohol. Until such time as HE chooses to change this (if ever), you are on a hiding to nothing. You cannot win.
I dated an alcoholic many years ago, when I was young and easily swayed by sweet talk. He was older than me, charming, charismatic and had a circle of fun friends who loved spending time with him, drinking and partying. I met him at a particularly low spot in my life and he made me laugh and feel wanted. I stayed with him for about 12 months of virtually constant drinking before realising that, if I didn't get out, he would drag me down with him. I have only been violently sick from alcohol a handful of times in my life, and two of those times were when I was with him. I have only ever drunk so much that I cannot remember parts of a night and that was when I was with him. Until that night I didn't actually believe anyone could drink so much that they could not remember stuff. I thought this was an excuse. I found out that night it was a real thing. To this day I cannot remember parts of that night. The final straw came when he tried to pimp me out to one of his friends who had recently split up with his girlfriend. It made me feel used and filthy and worthless. I finished with him the next morning. Recently bumped into his son, who was a teenager at the time I was dating his father. I discovered his children had lost contact with him because of his drinking and the last they had heard he was living in a caravan at the back of a pub somewhere.
I tell you this because there is only one direction you can take with an alcoholic - and that is DOWN. You are already "losing the will to live". How many more years are you going to put up with this behaviour? What sort of an example are you setting your son? You are showing him that it is acceptable to treat a woman like his father treats you. You cannot want that for him.
I hope you have the strength to realise you have to get away from this abusive relationship. You have bent over backwards - and then some - to try to make this relationship work, yet it is still toxic and abusive. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life or do you think you deserve to be happy?
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (2 January 2021):
 My ex husband was an alcoholic. They aren't very nice people to be around. I can really sympathize with you. The truth is OP, that you know what you need to do. The odds are that he won't get better, he won't get help, and you and your child will be living in hell. There comes a time when you realize that you shouldn't be living the way that you are, that you do have a right to be happy and that its time to go. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should stay with them.
Don't continue to waste your life hoping that things will change and that he will change and that everything is going to be ok. If he's drinking and abusive then it won't be ok. Period.
Its disturbing to me that you state you are losing the will to live. OK...so then make yourself want to live! GET OUT. Save your money, turn to your family if possible but GET OUT. I'm not saying this flippantly either. I waffled back and forth for 2 years trying to decide what to do with my marriage. I had been married for 14 years, we had a child together but I just couldn't take the abuse, the drunken episodes anymore. I had a nice home, nice car, nice job and it was my 2nd marriage so it was very embarrassing to admit I had failed again. He wasn't a drunk at all when I married him. He never drank! Somewhere along the way he got lost and turned to booze.
The deciding factor for me came the night after a particularly ugly fight when I said "You have a drinking problem and need help." His response "I don't have a drinking problem, YOU have a problem with me drinking." That was it. I got my affairs in order, hired an attorney and moved out in the middle of the night. I just couldn't stand one more minute of it all. And yes, I had loved him very much at one time. I found out years later that he had been lying about almost everything and did some things to the children that made him even more of a monster to me.
Please do what you need to do to make life better for yourself and your child. They deserve that! It won't be easy, but you can do it. HUGS to you.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 January 2021):
Your mom is right, you need to leave him. You have a sad story, I feel sorry for you, but I'm glad you're working on things. However you can never really improved your life until you leave him. There's no way around it. He would owe you child support and maybe alimony so you could support yourself. You just have to save up to pay for a lawyer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): Get out and away from him now.He is the monster.Lawyer up and in the divorce sue him for emotional cruelty.Get your alimony directly taken out of his check.He is a drunk do not trust him to pay you.Let his commander know he is a drunk before he puts his whole unit at risk.Guns and tanks do not mix well with alcohol and by reporting him you could save lives.You are a good person.Never listen or take to heart what a drunk says...because he is a drunk.Get out and live well.You are strong...You can do this.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2021):
I think you have hit the nail on it's head all by yourself. You grew up with an mean alcoholic and you ended up marrying a guy JUST like that.
Unfortunately, it's common. To marry a person with traits that align with what you "fear" or perhaps "dislike" the most. I think it's part familiarity and partly because you were raised to not LOOK at the red flags and react.
You have worked on changing you. Which I will give you kudos. Good for you. You husband doesn't like it because it means you can do whatever you set your mind too. It makes him feel like a failure. You quit drinking and he still is drinking.
All the issues you bring up are valid, but not the most important.
THE most important part is your daughter. Are you going to TEACH her to repeat the cycle? If you stay, that is likely to happen. Monkey see, monkey do.
What do you think she is learning from the two of you? Kids are smart. And they are like sponges, soaking up EVERYTHING, good and bad.
Do you think long term that you can HAVE a good life with him? AS HE IS. Because he isn't GOING to change. The military have a LOT of programs for soldiers and spouses with substance abuse. There is free counseling available (though... no matter what anyone says, IT can affect their career and promotion possibilities to seek help WITHIN the system).
I think you need to start working on an exit plan. Like you said your marriage IS toxic. But you KID is the one suffering the most. Without even knowing it.
ACCEPT that he watches porn, because you CAN'T make him not do it. He OBVIOUSLY don't care what you feel or think about it.
ACCEPT that you can't change him BY staying. Probably not by leaving either, but if you leave you might give your self and your CHILD a better and new lease in life.
Save up. Make a plan on how to leave safely.
You could report his drinking to the chain of command, but that might also be shooting yourself in the foot. Because if he gets kicked out, you lose medical for you and your kiddo and... child support. And you will need both. IF you leave.
You already know your marriage is not going to work. Because he has stopped caring.
Go to ACS (if he is Army), see if they can put you in touch with a lawyer. By the way, I don't think HE can keep the house to himself, if it was purchased DURING your marriage. But you would need to talk to a lawyer.
https://www.military.com/spouse/military-benefits/legal-assistance
Also, Al-anon might be good for you. It might help you find your strength to leave.
Keep working on yourself and TRY and let all the anger go due to him not wanting to change. ACCEPT that it's OVER and YOU need to do what is in the BEST interest of your child.
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