A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel as if I have somehow lost myself.I am an almost thirty year old woman, and have lived a fairly adventerous life. I have traveled, studied, and most of the things people talk of doing. I have never had a serious relationship until now. No man had ever held my interet for longer than a few weeks or months. But then I met X , and my world turned around. I fell head over heels and I just knew with every part of me that he was the one. We could lay in each others arms, laughing, loving, and just enjoying each other for hours. We discussed moving in together, and marriage. In may of this year I had to go away for a training course for three weeks. During this time I wasn't able to answer or be on my phone very often, but always would find time to sneak away and message him, or leave him voicemails. He only responded. It worried me, as I was moving in with him when I returned. Then he told me he booked a weekend trip for himself...on the very weekend I was returning home. I was actually ok with the idea as it gave me a couple of days to settle in and get ready for the big move. So I moved in, and things were amazing for that first week. Then one day I had to borrow his laptop to print some papers....and I discovered, after accidentally clicking on the wrong icon, pictures of him and his ex in the place he had vacationed solo in May. I was devastated. And then it got worse, for it turns out he had been to see her another time - the weekend after he had first told me he loved me, he had flown to see her. He swore that what happened between them was platonic, and that he had gone to see her out of a misplaced sense of guilt. That he had needed closure. I believe him in that, and we have tried to work through this mess for these past couple of months. But I feel bitter and angry, and want to lash out and hurt him, because I want him to know how betrayed I still feel. I know this isn't healthy, and our relationship is falling apart. We don't have sex any more, and when we do try to make love he Loses "it" and I'm left feeling miserable and rejected and utterly frustrated. He says it has nothing to do with me...he's either tired, dehydrated, overstressed, ect...I realize realize this makes him look bad. Hes not though - he's really sweet, thoughtful (with the major exception of his trips) and bends over backwards to try and please me. If I bitch, he tells me I'm right to be upset, and then tries his best to correct the problem. If I'm unhappy, he does what it takes to make me smile. I wouldn't have tried to give this a go if he wasn't worth the effort. But I don't know if I can get over this anger. I'm normally a happy, carefree person. I have always been a free spirit, and this is my first long term relationship. I love him dearly....but I feel like I'm losing myself here, and that I'm drowning in all of these feelings. I'm all sixes and sevens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has cut off all communication with her, and he let me read all communications between them. I have his passwords if I ever want to go through his phone or emails, and he's done everything to show me he is sorry and that he loves me.
I just cant seem to let go of this anger. He knows it, and is having a hard time as well. We talked the other night, and he cried, saying he had ruine our relationship. But it's really me who is ruining it. I feel like I'm turning into my grandmother, a bitter woman who drove everyone away. I dint talk about thus with my friends because I don't want them to view him differently.
I need to let go of this anger.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (11 October 2011):
I don't really know what you are asking, but it sounds like you want to stop being angry, so that you can move forward in the relationship.
It's quite right that you feel hurt and angry, he betrayed your trust totally. Even if you can rationalise it on an intellectial level, that doesn't stop your emotions from ruling your thoughts and behaviour.
Do you feel like he is being truely open about the nature of his friendship with the ex? It is easy for him to say it was misplaced guilt. Perhaps he has not been entirely honest, maybe he does want to continue some level of friendship with her? Would you be OK with that? You guys both need to communicate at a deeper and more honest level and continue working at the sticking points that is stopping you from getting over your anger. Imagine you were to best friends having a heart-to-heart, can you both talk in this way together about what you really think and feel?
I'm sure you know that eventually this anger if left will destroy your relationship, and it will be your boyfriend that it drives away.
Trust takes time to rebuild, you need to remember that, but also be aware of when you are acting from your anger, pick up on it soon and have the insight of what is happening so you can correct yourself.
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