A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiMy boyfriend has just ended our 4 month relationship on the basis that we don’t click. At the beginning of the relationship, things were great. We were close, we enjoyed spending time together, we had fun and we would talk all the time. Things changed when I lost my job. He tried to cheer me up when I lost my job. I slowly became distant from him and really quiet. I am naturally a quiet person but I was really quiet. I felt unhappy with my job situation and didn’t feel comfortable in confiding in him. I didn’t want him to see that I was down. Sometimes I didn’t feel like texting him. When we would meet up, he’d pay for the food. I really wanted a job with good money so that I could treat him. As he was broke, there wasn’t much we could do at the weekends. We just had takeaway food all the time. I wondered if there was anything there between us and I had some doubts about the relationship. I was attending interviews but my confidence was knocked when I didn’t get any of the jobs. I did feel anxious and stressed about finding work. Every time he texted to ask how I was, I would lie to him and say I was fine.The final month of our relationship, his behaviour changed as he made excuses that I couldn’t stay over with him. At this point, I thought things are not going well. Anyway we are not together. I still have feelings for him. I distanced myself on the basis that I weren’t happy with my job situation and not because of him. We have broken up as he feels we don’t click and that he hasn’t been happy. He said that he should be falling for me but he isn’t.I still want him and I want to make this relationship work but I know that I can’ make this relationship work right now as I need to focus on me and to find a job. I feel like we didn’t click due to my personal circumstances. I’ve decided not to stay in touch as I need to focus on me. He said I can talk to him whenever I like. I was thinking once I find work and I am happy with my life that I could perhaps try again with him. Would this be a bad idea? Or shall I just move on?
View related questions:
confidence, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 January 2014):
 Just focus on getting yourself a job. What happens after that is not certain.
I don't think you losing your job was what ended it, I think you "pushed" him away because you felt without a job/money you weren't "worthy" anymore.
It was ONLY a 4 months relationship. I would just focus on getting YOU back on track.
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Your missing the point here. Losing your job wasn't the problem. The problem wasnt the fact that you lost the job. The problem was that you simply werent prepared to let him fully in emotionally. You lost your job and not unsurprisingly you got low, depressed even, but you covered this up with your boyfriend and pushed him away and it is as simple as that. You didnt trust him enough to let him in, he picked up on this and pushed you away, naturally because he felt you pushing him away. You have deep seated trust issues.
Neither of your responses are particularly abnormal nor out of the ordinary - they dont make you an especially bad person nor not "relationship material". People enter relationships with these kinds of issues all the time and sometimes they can make relationships work even. However, the chances of doing so are low if the people with the issues cant realise what they are and deal with them.
Consider your experience with this guy as a life lesson, a signpost and learning experience pointing the way to things you have to deal with. It may well be too late to retrieve things with this guy (but then again maybe not) - if you really want to try again as other posters have said, give it some time and reproach him - but be prepared for possible rejection. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): I don't really agree with the other responses.
I think you're confidence was really rock bottom at the time that you were 'together' and this meant that you did not feel confident about sharing your concerns with him or with anyone and also felt inadequate in yourself in terms of what you could do to be an interesting and good partner for someone. When we are at our real, real rock bottom, many of us behave in this way. It's almost impossible to open up to someone unless you really have been with them for a lot longer.
You're right to think that you need to sort your life out a bit. But you don't have to be totally perfect in order to be in a relationship.
From his side, he sounds like the kind of guy who instinctively needs a transparent and honest relationship and possibly also needs to protect his partner, even a little at first. If this is his disposition then he will have sensed something not quite right for him...and this is why he said he was aware that he should be falling for you but he wasn't. Guys can be extremely sensitive to this kind of thing, but they may not be so good at actually processing or discussing what they feel.
I'd say let it cool for a little while longer and maybe reapproach him. You can explain things along similar lines to those I've written here, but don't, please don't go into any extreme displays of emotion or desparation. You need to feel more sorted in yourself before asking if he wants to give things another go - and some fun and lightheartedness might just work, rather than any desperate please along the lines of " I made such a mess of things and I really, really want you back". Keep it cool. He may not want to try again, and don't pretend to be someone that you're not in order to get him back. Just level with him without getting too serious and give it a go. Be prepared to accept if he says 'No' - and if he says "Yes" just see where it goes, take it easy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): "I feel like we didn’t click due to my personal circumstances."
I hate to break it to you but your feeling is wrong. It wasn't your personal circumstances that made you drive him away it's how you dealt with them. So you can't blame not having a job for this going wrong, only how you handled it. Frankly OP, getting a job isn't going to change the fact that when things aren't 100% perfect with you, you withdraw and push people away. Life is never 100% and the fact that instead of being a release for you, a welcome distraction from all that crap, he was someone you pushed away means he's just not right for you and he knows that too.
So you get together again and lose your job, or your dog dies, or you have an illness, or other such crap that life throws at you. He can't depend on you not to disappear again. OP that's not the making of a good partner to do that. If you can't rely on your partner or turn to them when you need them then what's the point? And no offence but a person who can't deal with such things without pushing others way is not relationship material to me. If I were him I wouldn't want you back.
I'm a similar type of person to you OP, when things go bad I withdraw, I feel a duty to fix what's broken with my life so I don't burden others with it. The difference between you and me, is my wife is the one I withdraw to. My shoulder to cry on, the one I lean on to help me get through things, my escape from the shit, my distraction, the one who can pick me up from that. You didn't have that with this guy, so he's right you didn't click.
OP you can never put your faith in a relationship that is so dependent on external circumstances being perfect. You only then have a relationship when times are good, which you know well is not always the case. When you truly click with a person they become your rock when times are hard not someone you treat like an obstacle.
Move on, let this guy find someone who wants to have him as their rock and depend on him. You too will find the kind of person you feel can handle you when life is tough. OP some people we just don't feel that way with, I have relationships go wrong in the past because I felt I needed to be too strong and not burden them with what was going on with me. It happens, just don't make the mistake of thinking if you fix your life you can make it work because you're old and wise enough to know life is full of challenges and is not always good. It's how you are with someone when times are tough that you really know they're right for you. He isn't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): I think this relationship has run it's course; and your behavior had a lot to do with it.
Concentrate on yourself, and not worry about it anymore. It was only four months long, and feelings can't be that deep in such a short time-period.
You will still need some recovery time even after finding work. There was a deep emotional impact on losing your job; and you probably weren't ready for a relationship at the time you two met.
Take time off from seeking a relationship; and concentrate on finding work for now.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Well you haven't found a job yet so don't put the cart before the horse. Once you get yourself settled then you'll be in a better position to decide if you want to give relationship another try, you may change your mind by then.
...............................
|
