A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This year will mark the 10 year anniversary of me meeting my girlfriend. Early in the relationship we talked of marriage, but neither of us really believed in it and we were trying to establish our careers - moving around and generally unstable.Eventually, we managed to get a great place together. My girlfriend talked about marriage, but I just didn't feel ready. Then, we bought a house together and I started to think about marrying her, too. I didn't want to live my life without her. I went out and bought a ring and made plans to propose. I couldn't get the timing right. There were some family emergencies that kept coming up, unexpected travel, and so on. I wanted the moment to be perfect. There had been some perfect moments in the past, but I didn't have a ring. Therefore, I bought the ring so that the next time one presented itself I would be prepared. Well, long story short, in this time period our relationship hit a rough patch. I thought she was cheating on me. She wasn't, but she did do some things to betray my trust. Talking to her, she seemed a lot less interested in getting married than she was. Suddenly, in the span of maybe 6 months, I lost my desire to marry her. Here we are living together and still in a loving relationship, but I no longer wish to marry her - at least right now. I am not sure how she feels about it either. We have no plans to break up or anything, but it feels like the relationship downshifted. I still don't want to live my life without her, but I feel that she needs to sit down and apologize to me. I told her as much, but the word "sorry" is not in her vocabulary. So now I am sitting here wondering what exactly we are doing and where the relationship is headed. I thought long and hard and I still do not wish to marry her at this time, even though I was really excited to do so about 18 months ago. Will I ever feel that way again or has this relationship run its course? I feel like we are still meant to be together, but I just... I don't get the feeling of certainty like I had. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): not knowing what she did to betray your trust, it is hard to comment on her character, but I think women do need to be treasured if they are of good and reasonable character and I am sure there must be a part of her that is or you would not be with her. It sounds like you are waiting for her to change or get better and she is not sure why you are not married and has lost interest in romance.
You may need to decide if she is worth pursuing based on character and either make a clean break or settle for muddling in the middle which is not always very satisfying. If you think you can both make a good and happy go of marriage then do it! But talk to She might have a specific idea/dream.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Oh btw speaking of married but not the paper… there are a few states in the USA that still do recognize common law marriages…
STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:
Only a few states recognize common law marriages:
Alabama
Colorado
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma's laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington, D.C.
IF YOU LIVE IN A STATE THAT DOES RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE: If you live in one of the above states and you "hold yourself out to be married" (by telling the community you are married, calling each other husband and wife, using the same last name, filing joint income tax returns, etc.), you can have a common law marriage (for more information on the specific requirements of each state, see next page). Common law marriage makes you a legally married couple in every way, even though you never obtained a marriage license. If you choose to end your relationship, you must get a divorce, even though you never had a wedding. Legally, common law married couples must play by all the same rules as "regular" married couples. If you live in one of the common law states and don't want your relationship to become a common law marriage, you must be clear that it is your intention not to marry. The attorneys who wrote Living Together (additional information below) recommend an agreement in writing that both partners sign and date: "Jane Smith and John Doe agree as follows: That they've been and plan to continue living together as two free, independent beings and that neither has ever intended to enter into any form of marriage, common law or otherwise."
IF YOU LIVE IN A STATE THAT DOES NOT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE, there is no way to form a common law marriage, no matter how long you live with your partner. There is one catch: if you spend time in a state that does recognize common law marriage, "hold yourself out as married," and then return or move to a state that doesn't recognize it, you are still married (since states all recognize marriages that occurred in other states). However, this is murky legal territory and we don't recommend experimenting with it!
STATE-BY-STATE REQUIREMENTS TO FORM A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:*
Alabama: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) capacity; (2) an agreement to be husband and wife; and (3) consummation of the marital relationship.
Colorado: A common-law marriage may be established by proving cohabitation and a reputation of being married.
Iowa: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) intent and agreement to be married; (2) continuous cohabitation; and (3) public declarations that the parties are husband and wife.
Kansas: For a man and woman to form a common-law marriage, they must: (1) have the mental capacity to marry; (2) agree to be married at the present time; and (3) represent to the public that they are married.
Montana: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) capacity to consent to the marriage; (2) an agreement to be married; (3) cohabitation; and (4) a reputation of being married.
Oklahoma: To establish a common-law marriage, a man and woman must (1) be competent; (2) agree to enter into a marriage relationship; and (3) cohabit.
Pennsylvania: A common-law marriage was established if, before 1/1/2005, a man and woman exchanged words that indicated that they intended to be married at the present time and they also held themselves out to the community as married (introducing eachother as husband and wife, filing joint taxes, etc.).
Rhode Island: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) serious intent to be married and (2) conduct that leads to a reasonable belief in the community that the man and woman are married.
South Carolina: A common-law marriage is established if a man and woman intend for others to believe they are married.
Texas: A man and woman who want to establish a common-law marriage must sign a form provided by the county clerk. In addition, they must (1) agree to be married, (2) cohabit, and (3) represent to others that they are married.
Utah: For a common-law marriage, a man and woman must (1) be capable of giving consent and getting married; (2) cohabit; and (3) have a reputation of being husband and wife.
Washington, D.C.: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) an express, present intent to D.C. be married and (2) cohabitation.
* Source: It's Legal! Legal Information Network, whose website no longer exists. The Alternatives to Marriage Project is not responsible for omissions or inaccuracies in the above information.
Much of the information on this fact sheet comes from an excellent do-it-yourself legal guide called Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples, by attorneys Toni Ihara, Ralph Warner, and Frederick Hertz (2000).
taken from : http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 You should tell her that you don't intend to marry. After ten years, I would assume you two know each other very well, have gone through crises and the like. You're married to all intents and purposes other than legal. You either want to have a way out, or are already not happy with the relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
What’s the difference between “I don’t want to live my life without her” and “I want to get married” just a piece of paper.
Are your funds co-mingled
Are you living in a house you both own?
Who pays the bills
Who owns the cars? Is it joint ownership?
All relationships wax and wan…. I am slated to propose to my man on 2/29 but right now I don’t really feel the need to get married although we are talking about it and plan to do it this year some time…. I will propose… we live as husband and wife now… we own property together… our funds are all co-mingled… we just need that silly piece of paper…. He actually calls me “almost wifey”
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): I would forget marriage being the goal. You are together, in a settled relationship and are happy. The thrill of proposing, the ring and all that jazz are not important in the great scheme of things. All relationships in time settle into something comfortable, beautiful in a more quiet way. So the question is, is she the person you want to spend your life with in an ongoing way. If so 'want what you have'.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): "Will I ever feel that way again or has this relationship run its course? I feel like we are still meant to be together, but I just... I don't get the feeling of certainty like I had.
What should I do?"
Either wait to feel that way again and don't marry her until then, and if you don't ever feel that way again then you'll know the relationship has run its course and you shouldn't marry her at all.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Hi... Well first of all marriage is not 100% necessary! You can both live together happily and not have to tie the knot. BUT given the relationship downgrade, betrayal and the desire to NOT commit - all signs we need to pay attention to! Deciding that you don't want to get married right now (also who knows the future and if you change your mind?)... is something she needs to know. You have to allow her the right to make decisions for herself and she cannot calculate her path without knowing yours.... (bummer of relationships).
My suggestion.. before you sit and talk to the girl... you need to make clear in your mind and be honest with yourself about what it is you want. Be fair to her and to you. Then talk to her with the conclusions and let her make up her mind. Her behaviour is also showing some signs of not being content or sure... you may also help her voice her concerns. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): It sounds to me like you're only with her because you dont' want to be alone. You don't sound like you were ever really passionate about her, it sounds like you've always been more in love with the idea of marriage than actually in love with her.
not wanting to marry her yet not wanting to live your life without her, is usually code for you're afraid to be alone so whatever you have with her is better than nothing but you certainly don't want "more" of it.
if you loved her more your desire to marry her wouldn't be so easily swayed by other things going on. Not wanting to marry her is a sign that you don't love her enough. And that's OK, not all relationships are going to lead to marriage.
Another thing is that not wanting to marry someone you're "supposed" to want to marry, is a red flag and warning sign that something is seriously wrong in this relationship. maybe your early talk of getting married, 10 years ago, was a mistake on hindsight because you didn't know each other that well.
I think you should accept that you just don't want to marry her, and that is based on a decade's worth of experience of being with her. If after 10 years you dont' want to marry her, you probably never will feel much different.
The question then becomes, what do you do with a relationship that will never lead to marriage? Do you continue it since obviously both of you are still getting something out of it, until one of you finds something better?
well if she wants to get married, and you don't want to marry her, then this relationship should be ended now so you can stop wasting her time. As long as you're still 'together' who else can she look to for a marriage except you? it wouldn't be fair to her to continue this relationship when you have no desire to marry her but simply because you don't want to be alone. And no you shouldn't go ahead to marry her when you actually don't truly want it but just as a way to avoid being alone, that's also being unfair to her cos it's using her, and will lead to a lot more misery and regret.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 February 2012):
Well it would be helpful if you explained what she did to betray your trust. A lot of the time, people will think that something that happened to them is way "bigger" than it really was. So it may help to get some opinions as to whether or not your feeling betrayed is something to legitimately be concerned about or if you're just being overly sensitive.
Anyway, all relationships hit rough patches. It would be great if they were all roses all the time--but they're not. Especially if you get married, you're probably going to hit a lot of rough patches. People change and things happen. You won't be happy every single moment. But if you can't imagine your life without her--then stick it out. Personally, I think people can have life long committed relationships without getting married. There just happens to be tax benefits etc. with getting married.
But I think there will always be some doubt about marrying someone. Also, you get used to someone and start to think the grass is greener on the other side. Then you come to find that what you had really wasn't so bad.
So maybe try to talk to her and see what she thinks. Communication is big and maybe you can work through this and really figure out what you want to do. Remaining silent and feeling hurt inside will just make it worse.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (17 February 2012):
Be really honest with her about you feel about the whole situation. How important her sorry is to you, that your confused about the relationship, or whatever is on your mind. Be open to her response and I'm sure you find a way to work through it. Just have to be open and honest, if you want it to keep moving forward. It won't ever be exactly the same, but relationships change over time and maybe this will bring you to a new level of closeness.
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