A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I learn how to slow down?I have been with my partner for a long while and we want marriage. But all of my friends are getting married left right and centre and I can't help but want everything at the same time as them and I put all this pressure on us and which stresses ot my partner and it feels like a race to me. I have no idea how to avoid this feeling or comparing my life with others Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): Are you both actually wanting the same things right now? If you both want to get married one of you would propose. What's the issue causing your partner to get stressed? Him getting stressed just sounds like he doesn't want to commit yet and is feeling pressured by talking about it. Your age range is of the age people in long term relationships often commit with marriage, children, buying a home or all or some of those things. I think you need to find out from your partner why he feels stressed talking about it, does he want to get married and if so what timescale is in his mind? You're right about it not being a race, and with social media it feels everyone's lives are in your face and their accomplishments are there for everyone to see. But people don't share the tricky side of life or their struggles, so just remember while you see lots of people getting married you don't see those who are still hoping to find a relationship or those struggling to conceive because they desperately want a child, despite what looks like a lovely relationship on the outside.The only way you can stop comparing yourself is to stop going on there as much, which can be hard but you can unfollow without unfriending people on Facebook so you just aren't exposed to all their updates! Just focus on your life and your happiness and your life with your partner. Some people could've rushed into a marriage and be regretting it all while you're enjoying actually being happy with your partner! It doesn't change how you feel for each other, you wake up the next day after your wedding and love them as you did the day before!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Generally I am not one to advise pushing for marriage, nor I think that marriage is some ultimate, accomplishment in a woman's life.
But, there's something in your post that makes me curious.
You are 26 to 29 and he will be , I guess, around your age or a bit older. So, not too young for getting married . You both want marriage, and you have been together for a long time.
.. Why aren't you getting married then ? what's keeping you ? if it is something you both want ...
I am not saying that you have to make it a competition with your friends, nor that you must strive to beat them to the altar. And getting married JUST because all your friends are doing it would be the worst reason ever to tie the knot.
Then again, I think it would perfectly normal in your shoes to feel sort of uneasy . Generally two people in your age range who feel secure in their relationship and REALLY want to get married - well, they make it happen. Even if it means having a small , intimate wedding as opposed to a 250 guests extravaganza, or doing without the honeymoon trip etc.
So , if there are no big , insuperable impediments to getting married, and you wish to be married .. YET you are still NOT getting married, then either one does not really want marriage as sincerely as they say. It's all lip service.
At least, one would be justified in feeling so.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 April 2017):
 You've been with your partner for a long while and you want to get married. I don't see this as rushing anything at all, I see it more like you getting frustrated because your partner is dragging his feet. You wanted to be married yesterday, right? So of course you feel like you are being left behind when all your friends start to get married, and yet here you are, still the same old same old...
If you want to be married, you end up seeing married couple all around. If you want a baby, you see babies all around. If you want a puppy, you see puppies all around. This is normal, this is how the brain works. So if you suddenly see "all" your friends getting married, to me that says a lot about your desire to get married. And the associated stress? To me that sounds like frustration with your partner not wanting to be married yet, not like competition or comparing yourself to others.
I mean, come on. If you didn't want to be married you wouldn't see your friends getting married as anything to compete with at all. You aren't feeling this way towards your friends who, say, climbed Mount Everest, are you? Right there is the proof that this isn't about you comparing yourself to others, but the fact that you are getting desperate for the relationship to move to the next level, and it's not moving along that line at all.
Really, if your desire was to backpack through Europe you'd be "comparing" yourself with your traveling friends instead. It's not logical that you would feel any form of competition if what you aren't feeling is actually more akin to jealousy. They are getting the thing you want, but that you can't have.
How long have you been with your partner? Long enough to want to marry him, and he wants to marry you? Then why aren't you doing that? Why is he getting stressed out about you wanting it? If he actually wanted it, I figure he'd be more than happy to marry you tomorrow. If he's dragging his feet after several years, then I'd take it as a sign marriage (at least with you) isn't what he wants.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 April 2017):
 What exactly is the problem? You have been together a long time you say, and also you both want marriage. Are you waiting until you are rich? Are you waiting until you can buy a house? What?
You don't have to have a big wedding. It can still be a great party for your close friends. A millionaire acquaintance of mine had fish and chips and champagne, so anything goes.
Be original. Splurging to impress everyone is dumb in my humble opinion.
You will also find that hiring anything for 'A Wedding' immediately puts 50 percent on the bill, be it for rooms, cars, catering and all the rest.
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