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I want to say no nicely, and I want discretion....

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi I have a married male friend who recently asked me to have an affair with him, I too am married and love my husband dearly and would never cheat on him. How can I let this man know that as much as I like him I do not like him in that way and not for our other firends to find out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

there is no easy way of discretion.

you need o be blunt or this man will think you are looking for sex outside your marriage. by him approaching you means that he has no respect for you. it means that by not having any respect for you, he feels that you are easy and would just do it with him and pretend to be happily married. like he is doing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

This just happened to me last week. You just need to be blunt and say that you are happily married and that you don't want any friends with benefits.

A guy that I am friends with hit on me. He was sad about something so we hugged, but the way he hugged me was not appropriate. I pulled away and said no. I told him that I am friends with him and his wife and that this is not appropriate at all.

I doubt the guy will say anything to your friends, he probably is embarrassed if you said no and were very blunt about it. I mean this guy that hit on me I right out said, I don't have friends with benefits and that he needed to work on his relationship with his wife and go out once in awhile and get that romantic feeling back or he just needs to leave her if he isn't happy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010):

Write him a letter stating the truth! just write what you

have already stated!The Truth!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010):

Hi there, I'm afraid I must ask, has something been going on with this guy and you?

It's not often you come across a guy who just asks out of the blue "will you have an affair with me?"

Did he have some reason to think you may reciprocate his advances?

Have you been giving some kind of signals out to him?

If not then he is some chancer and very cocky with himself!!

If you know for sure that you have not given him any signals, why are you worried aboout discretion? After all you could not have done anything wrong so it would all be his own fault entirely, right?

If you have not done anything wrong then you do not have to worry about discretion. He will accept your rejection in the same cocky manner that his request was made.

I guess IF you have been giving him siganls (I'm not saying you have)then you may worry that he will tell people you are a tease, and this is where wanting discretion comes in to it.

As I said, if you have not, just tell him outright that you are not interested in his advances and requests, you love your husband and would never cheat!

If it is all his own doing and or imagination playing tricks with him, he will not even mention any of it to anyone else.

He would not want them to know he had been rejected anyway.

If he says he thought there was something there from you, just tell him you were being friendly and you are sorry his imagination ran away with him!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2010):

Exactly what Chigirl says. You need to be very clear on this.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2010):

chigirl agony auntTell him "No, I don't want an affair with you, and please do not talk about this with any of our other friends. I want to keep this embarrassment of yours private."

Come on.. this is his wrongdoing, not yours. If your friends find out they will label him a creep and that deserves him right if you ask me. But if you feel that you have led him on and feel you are part to blame (which I doubt) just tell your friend that you are sorry if he misunderstood your actions as anything other than friendly, and back off. You don't need friends who are only friends with you so they can sleep with you, married or not married.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010):

best to tell him straight, so theres no mis-understanding. he's not going to tell anyone because all he will be doing is risking his own marriage.

if you don't tell him a flat out no then he'll think he stands a chance.

just tell him simply that your married and you only want your husband. if he hassles you just tell him if he doesn't stop bothering you, trying to seduce you, then simply point out that, if he doesn't stop your tell his wife what he's trying to do. that should scare him off without anyone having to know about it.

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A female reader, xxxcz me United States +, writes (31 July 2010):

xxxcz me agony auntwhy do you want to protect him?? i know your friends but what he has done is wrong!! and you can make it right

you need to say no, i love my husband and your wife should know blah blah blah.

he doesnt deserve your protection because when he cheats on his wife with someone else all this will come out, and you will get alot of blame. which you will deserve

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