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I want my children to finish College/ University and I want them to have a good upbringing too but how can I have these both without risking my work and children?

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Question - (31 July 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2010)
A female Philippines age 41-50, *ngela Sam writes:

Dear Aunts and Uncles,

I am married with 3 children, ages 15, 10 and 5. Since 2007, I left my children and work abroad since my husband couldn't help me financially, I would rather say, he is very irresponsible and wouldn't like to work. He takes care of the children but doesn't give them much the emotional support and guidance.

My children want me to go home and go back to work as a public teacher, but that would not be easy. I can go back to work but the salary for new teachers from national government budget will take 4-7 months before we can receive our salary and I don't have savings to survive for our daily needs. If I will work back in the Philippines my salary will just be enough for our daily needs and not enough to bring them to college as I am just the sole provider. I want my children to finish College/ University and I want them to have a good upbringing too but how can I have these both without risking my work and children?

I have known that my husband is taking some drugs and drinking. At night, he sometimes leaves my children at home and spends time with his friends. My eldest child takes the responsibility if her father is not around. My husband becomes more and more irresponsible, he often tells me he couldn’t find work because no one will take care of the children and he just want to be with them and I did give him the privilege, supporting them financially. He handles the money and I gave him some amount too for his so-called small business but he loses it all. The monthly basis I am giving him for my children’s need are mismanaged and when he runs out of money, he’ll use my children for he knows I can’t say NO. I am in debt and catching my dues for I am living beyond my means now. I tried to explain to my husband that I can’t handle the finances any longer and he needs to help me but to no avail. I am fed up with his blackmailing and he is using my children for financial reasons. If he sees I am just sending small amount for I want him to do something and take the initiative for his children, he will give the responsibility of the finances to my eldest daughter and washes his hand if no food is served on the table and let my daughter seek for it. I am so sick of him and so sick of his emotional torture. I don’t know what to do anymore. I seek help from my family but they don’t want to involve themselves into this mess with my husband.

I want to go back home and take care of my children but if I do I will not be able to give them good future in life, I may not be able to send them to College…education is the best gift I can give to them but how I can give them a good life without risking both my children and work? What will be a good decision to make? I am so confused on how to deal with this kind of problem.

Please help me with your advices. Thank you.

Angela Sam

View related questions: debt, drugs, money, university

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A female reader, Ich_liebe_dich Philippines +, writes (31 July 2010):

Ich_liebe_dich agony aunthello sis, i really understand your situation for this is very often problem in our country. i could only say, take a vacation, if its ok to you' leave your husband, he is not gonna be a good mirror for your children and anyway he is not any help. bring your children out of the sight of your husband. if its possible to bring your children to your parents or to somebody you can rely on and trust. let the children have a peace of mind and place. settle your children in a place were you can also have a peace of mind when you are out abroad. i really wish you good luck.. dont give up your job abroad sis for this is really the practical way now to find a better income. good luck

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A female reader, VenaCava Indonesia +, writes (31 July 2010):

VenaCava agony aunt

Dear Angela Sam,

As a woman who has the similar cultural background with you, I can truly understand what you’ve been through.

If you are from other culture, I’d firmly say: “divorce this man right away”, because he’s chipping at your soul and sanity.

But I know it isn’t that simple for us.

What makes me surprise is that none of your family is willing to help. Don’t you have anyone, anyone at all in the family that you can trust to take care and give guidance to your children while you are abroad?

I am sorry to say, but your husband gives your children bad influence. What kind of example your children will see. Dad got drunk and does drugs while mom has to work abroad to keep the ship afloat.

If you find the person you can trust, send the money for your children’s need to him/her instead. No money goes to your husband’s hands, not a single cent!

I would actually like to suggest you to send it to your eldest daughter, but I am afraid your husband will force her to hand the money over to him.

Is there anyone, someone at all that your husband respects? Maybe your mother in law?

Tell her how his son behaves; tell her that it can hurt their grandchildren’s future.

As to go to college, we need two things, money and brain.

How do your children do at school? Are they having troubles with their tests? Keep on encouraging them to do better, but don’t get demanding, because this kind of situation is stressing for them too.

Encourage them to be very open about everything with you. Sometimes distraction from studying can come from outside. So be alert. It’s going to be very stressing and hard, but you have to do it.

You can do it, because you are strong, because you have your children to think of and fight for.

If you need someone to talk about it, you can always send me a message. I am here and I am 100% morally supporting you.

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