A
female
age
36-40,
*uzieJun
writes:I have been in a relationship and living with my boyfriend for the last 7 years,he is 30 I am 24.the past 3 years have been a living hell, he makes my life well miserable.he is rude, mean, selfish and arrogant towards me and other people, including friends and family.I have been told by my own family,friends and his own family that his just using me, his treating me like a door mat. I have lost many friends because of his additude towards people, I have even had a friend tell me that she thinks he is a psycho.its taken me awhile but I have finally seen that he is just using me for the easy life style and money.he does not work, I do, he stays at home feeling sorry for himself constantly complaning and blaming others for his issues.anyway I could go on and on but I want to leave, I want the relationship to end, he is emotionally abusive towards me, he does not treat me as his partner or friend or lover, he treats me like a money supply, like a room mate he gets to yell at.I still care about him and love him as a friend, but im not "in love" with him anymore , and I am no longer attracted to him in anyway.problem is I dont know how to leave, Im scared that he will hurt himself or others if I leave, or he will try and hurt me emotionally or physically.any advice on the best ways to leave someone who is abusive and someone that I have and share everything with? I want this to be a fast process.
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emotionally abusive, money, no longer attracted, roommate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): It's great that you know you deserve better and have realised what you want to do. Seven years is a long time and it is hard to leave this sort of relationship, so don't be hard on yourself. Hopefully the advice you're getting here helps, also try reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'. It is written for women in your situation and is easy to read, explains the patterns of abuse in a way that helps you heal and get perspective. Most important it has advice on safely leaving an abusive man. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 Remember that you are not responsible for his actions. If he hurts himself, or if he hurts others, it is not your fault. He is a grown man, not your child. You are in no way responsible for him. Remember that. If he makes you so scared of what he can do if you leave, he is emotionally blackmailing you into staying. This adds on to the abuse. Do not let him get his way by being scared of him.
If he does anything after you leave him that can be considered a threat, contact the police. Do not tolerate threats. As a grown man he needs to understand he can not have everything his way, and that there are boundaries. If he crosses the boundaries there will be consequences, such as the police getting involved. The first week or so after leaving him you can arrange to stay somewhere else, until you feel it is safe to return home. Or have a friend stay with you at your place.
If you live with him, and he is unwilling to move, move out yourself. At first stay with friends or family until you get your own place. If HE agrees to move out, buy him out or what is needed, and get the keys from him. If he has moved out he does not have the right to hold the keys. If you decide you want to leave the house/apartment, have friends or family come help you move your belongings. You can even hire a moving company to help you with the move if you don't have anyone else to help you. Just get your things out of there with you. If you leave them behind there is a chance he will change the locks while you are gone, or even throw away your things, so that you can't have them back. So at least take what is most important to you with you.
You have made your decision to leave, and I think we all support you in that decision. You gave him 7 years, and you have had enough. You are still young, and should not settle with being anyones doormat. This is the beginning of a new and better life for you! Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 Pack your bags when he is not there, leave him a note explaining things and then go home to your parents.
He is not your responsiblity, he is an adult, if he hurts himself, that is his choice.
If you are scared that he might hurt you, then make sure you get a friend to help you move, someone who will be able to stop him from hurting you.
DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, as you noticed things will only get worst.
When you leave, do not contact him, and if he tries to contact you, destroy his letters and hang up the phone. No one has the right to treat you like a kicked dog.
Call your parents now, and tell them you want to come back home untill you are sorted out.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (13 June 2010):
 just move back in with your parents for a short time if possible and have them come round to collect your stuff with you and then cease all contact with him forever.
make this move quiclky and after a time at home you will find your own place and make sure you do not inform him of anything you do after you leave your current residence.
simple- now do it and dont look back!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (13 June 2010):
 He's not a kid and he's not your responsibility. It may be the wake up call that makes him realize that he needs to get his life together.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 June 2010):
Who cares what he does to himself!! He's treated you like crap. What he does to himself is his own thing. You can't keep living your life worrying about others who don't care about you. For once, care about yourself, and have respect for yourself. What he does to himself is his own thing and has nothing to do with you. And if he tries to hurt you, just have have him arrested and have a court order put on him. Stop worrying about him. You're losing friends and credibility. Worry about yourself. As for making it quick, since he doesn't' work and you do, most of this will be yours. But to get it going, just pack a bag with your clothes and most important stuff and walk out. Or tell him it's over and get him to move. But just stop thinking of him.
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