A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've had a crush on a guy for about 12 years possibly 13. We went to school together and while we weren't exactly friends I had a tough time at school being bullied and he was always nice to me.We were in a lot of the same classes for a while and were both good academically although I was slightly stronger (solid A's whereas he got a mix of A's and B's) but he was also very sporty/athletic and I certainly wasn't. He wasn't super attractive, he didn't get much attention from anyone else, but he wasn't bad looking either. A 7 or an 8. We graduated school 9 years ago and we've not spoke since then but I still can't get over him. Other crushes have come and gone, much more attractive guys, guys who've actually shown an interest back whereas the guy im writing about is almost certainly straight (although he does like photographing flowers?) but still this crush remains, he wasn't even my first crush and we never did anything but I still can't shake these feelings. I'm not lovesick 24/7 I've been able to live a normal life mostly, but he'd always pop into my head every couple of months or so. Lately this has escalated with all this pandemic/lockdown etc he's come back into my thoughts a lot more, I just can't shake it. I looked him up on social media, facebook linkedin etc and seen how successful he has become, whereas my career has faltered, I'm making about half what he's making. So there's now elements of jealousy, and my own self worth is at an all time low. I feel like a failure compared to him, but oddly that just makes me want him more. I want to both be with him and also be like him.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 September 2020):
 Ah, unrequited love. The best love of all. It never has to change, it never has to end. It is forever perfect, unspoiled and unsoiled by reality.
You met this guy when you were going through a particularly unpleasant period of your life and he was "nice" to you, hence you (totally understandably) latched onto him. You put him on a pedestal all those years ago and there he has stayed ever since, untouchable, unsullied and tantalizingly out of reach, but always there.
I think the part of your post where you say "the guy im writing about is almost certainly straight (although he does like photographing flowers?)" is the key to your fixation. Why? Because you are still clinging to the hope he is gay and that there is still some sort of "chance" for the two of you. (For the record, it takes a bit more than "photographing flowers" to be gay, but I am sure you are aware of that, lol. Just jesting of course.)
I suspect it is no coincidence that you have been thinking more about him recently as this whole lockdown has had a profound effect on most people. It has given us more time to re-evaluate our lives and part of that exercise is remembering the past and "unfinished business".
You don't mention any boyfriends, only crushes. Have you actually had any boyfriends or do you just crush on people? If so, you need to ask yourself why.
As for comparing your career to anyone else's, that is a pointless and thankless exercise. There will always be people more and less successful than you. Everyone has to follow their own path in life. While there is no harm in using people as role models to inspire us to try harder/try things we might not have otherwise tried, comparing ourselves to others is never a good idea. If you are not happy with where you are in your own career, do something about it. Do more training, change jobs, change careers. Anything is possible if you are not happy with where you are at the moment. You are still in your 20s and have the rest of your life ahead of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): This isn't a crush, it's an obsession. You've passed that threshold. You're more infatuated with the idea of this guy, than the person; and the improbability (if not impossibility) of being with him is healthy-food for fantasy and idol-worship.
Now here's the gay-guy's opinion.
A pretty large number of gay-men develop futile-attractions to straight-men mainly due to the "forbidden-fruit" effect. It's normal for everyone to want most what we can't have.
When you allow your sense of entitlement to get out-of-control; you will obsess over what seems to be the holy grail or unobtainable prize. The carrot that perpetually dangles just out of reach! You actually feed obsessions; they need fuel, or they'll fizzle. They ride you like an addiction. You have to stalk and search for refreshing-material to recharge the obsession. The internet, social media, and too much idle-time only adds more to the problem. It's not true you can't help it, or let-go of the crush. You don't want to, because deep in the recesses of your mind you feel there's a possibility. The fantasy is too titillating! You need distraction. Stay away from porn for awhile; it will only amplify your unhealthy imaginary-thoughts. What if?
You've been working this fantasy for so long, too long, you miss it when it fades. Then you'll go searching for him, only to reignite your cravings and fantasies. He's one of your most consistent and all-time favorites! Reminds me of an old song written and performed by the recording artist by K.D. Lang; called "Constant Craving," on her album "Ingénue." It was at the top of the charts in 1992; a couple of years before you were born. Great song, look it up!
It's not what's perfect about him; it's his imperfections and natural sex-appeal. He fits your type, and he was probably the first guy you've fixated-on since you were a gay-kid coming of age. It's not uncommon for everyone to revisit an old fantasy; but when a fixation haunts you indefinitely, that's an obsession.
The cure for "obsessions" is letting-go of them, like a hot but horrible boyfriend. You convince the stubborn subconscious mind that it's never ever going to happen. It's just a fantasy, not reality. It has no choice but to subside; when it's never going to to happen anyway. Your sense of entitlement insists you should have him, and might even talk you into attempting to pursue your attraction. Test probability! That could be dangerous...and very stupid. Quite humiliating as well; when he looks at you horrified, like you've lost your ever-loving mind!
It's time to let it go; because if you don't, it's a clear indication that you need therapy to help you to.
It's unhealthy for crushes to obsess your thoughts. They are supposed to come and go; until they don't comeback. You aren't supposed to act on them, when you know there's no chance of the fantasy becoming a reality. A good punch in the face often brings some gay-guys to their senses! There are more than enough gay-men willing, to leave unwilling straight-men alone!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses so far, especially Aunty Babbit. I know I need to move on, the difficulty is in how. Diagnosing the problem is one thing, curing it is another.
In terms of gay men fantasising about straight guys, as about 94% of the male population is straight, theres a good chance any guy we develop a crush on is going to be straight. I don't have a crush on him because he is straight, I have a crush on him for a bunch of other reasons, and he just so happens (like most men) to be straight.
Believe me I don't choose to have this endless crush on him and if there was a pill to make me forget him and allow me to move on, I'd take it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 September 2020):
 Kenny is absolutely right,
You are now an adult and clinging on to some school fantasy, come on...
Instead of comparing yourself to him, see that HE is doing well and mentally WISH him well. And then work on what YOU want to achieve. HIM doing well doesn't mean you CAN'T do well too. Or that him doing well means you CAN'T do well. Being jealous should drive you to do better, not be petty.
I can understand why you "want to be like him, he is obviously successful and doing good in life. We all want that to some degree. Some people work much harder and go further, some get a lucky break, others don't, some . But mostly... it's UP to you to find ways to improve on your life and career.
As for him as a "partner", well that isn't realistic. The dude is straight according to you. Straight men are into FEMALE partners. So you are baking up the wrong tree and wasting time on a fantasy, which could mean that YOU miss out on someone who could be a GREAT fit for you! but because you are hung up on a guy who would NEVER be a partner for you you could miss out on that special someone!
I don't know what it is these days with gay men (especially) wanting to date straight guys. It makes no sense. That is like the women who wants to date gay men, thinking that the guy just hasn't found the RIGHT girl, no... that is not how it works, and you know it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 September 2020):
 This guy is a fantasy and a lovely one at that, but that's all he is.
You've already said he's almost certainly straight so this daydream certainly isn't going any further is it?
You had a rough time at school and he was a friend so that relationship is special to you and I think you've been thinking about him a lot because you're bored and lonely. You want a love interest but the lockdown has made meeting new people very difficult.
You've stalked him on social media and are now comparing his success to your own and as your self-esteem drops you push him up higher onto the pedestal you've created for him.
I don't think you're actually in love with this guy, although you think you are, I think you're in love with what he represents.
You need to focus on you, think about what you have accomplished, concentrate on the positives. Think about what you would like to achieve, focus on where you see your career and think about what you can do to make that happen. Then start to make it happen.
Once you start to come alive again and you start to take control of your destiny, I think you'll find this guy will fade into the recesses of history which is where he belongs.
Once you meet the right man and fall in love, you'll forget about this.
I hope this helps ABx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree I need to let it go, the thing I am struggling with is how. I've had other crushes before and after him that eventually just dissipate, the feelings just go away over time. But he continually pops into my head and I don't know why.
I'm scared it could be like an addiction or something.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (3 September 2020):
 I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you graduated school nearly a whole decade ago, don't you think its time to let this crush go.
Nothing came of it while you were at school, and nothing is going to come of it now.
Yes we all have memories, some good, some bad, i have some great memories of when i was at school, and made some really good friends, some of which i still keep in contact with to this day.
I think sometimes you have to leave the past in the past. You are a grown adult now, living in the real world, working, paying bills etc, you have got let these feelings your having go.
Stop winding yourself up by looking him up on social media. So he has become successful, so what, rather that be jealous be happy he has done well, then let it go.
you are not a failure compared to him, you can't compare your self to others, especially not someone you crushed on at school all those years ago.
Let it go and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): To be successful, or more successful might require you to change your job or set up a busy business, this might require you studying , training, passing exams or at least learning a new skill, it might also mean years of time spent on this and money invested in it. If you really want that great then go and do it, don't just dream about it and talk about it.You are talking about him as if he is some sort of idol, some gold plated person sitting high up on a perch, who can do no wrong, who is perfect, who is the most capable and special person in the World. That is not the way you have friendship or relationships, it never works, it always backfires on the one worshipping the other.If he is such a success and you are such a failure (your words not mine) then why would he want to be friends with you or have a relationship with you? People who are successful are busy and they choose successful people to spend their time with. Not people who they have to mentor or help out or keep giving free advice to or lend them money or help them acquire money. I know because I am successful and get lots of people like that try it on with me regularly. Some are total strangers who contact me online wanting all sorts of favours, time consuming ones, or/and money from me. But relationships have to be a two way street, not one way where one gives and one takes. The person giving gets loads of requests and would not have time, inclination or finances to help them all, so why would they select you or even any of them at all?Being successful comes from you. If you need help and need to cheat and cut corners then it is not really being successful, it is hanging on another person's shirt tails.Most men do not care if a woman earns a lot of money or how successful she is anyway, not if he is thinking of sleeping with her or having a relationship with her.I have seen very well educated and smart (normally) men go off with busty long legged women who are total bimbos and gold diggers, too stupid to think with their brains and thinking with their penis then. It never lasts because when she gets saggy or he realises she is only after this and that he dumps her.It is not obligatory to be great at business or a hard working career woman. If you do that do it for you.Jealousy is a waste of emotion.I once had a neighbour who lived in a small apartment near me. He was very jealous of me because he did a normal 9 - 5 job for normal wages, taking orders from a boss and I own my own businesses, assets, investments, apartments and property etc. Instead of him being sensible and saying to himself that he needs to change if he wants more and better he got jealous of me and sent me poison pen letters, phoned me with anonymous nasty calls, and would shout at me if he saw me in the street, calling me names. This was all because I had tried harder and worked longer hours and been better at saving than him.Somehow - in his eyes - it was all my fault that he had failed. By blaming me he did not have to look at himself.Never mind that you are not the most hard working and smart woman in the World. What else do you have to offer? Are you gorgeous? Kind? Everyone has qualities that a man or woman would appreciate? Just so long as you do not try to update you find someone on your level that you have things in common with and it works and lasts.It is better than day dreaming about an idol.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): Your behavior is NOT beyond your control. For some reason you have chosen to be obsessed with this guy and this is not good for you.We let ourselves believe that our thoughts and emotions are somehow controlling us, that there is nothing we can do, but that's wrong. Thoughts come and go, we choose which ones to dwell on, which ones to "feed", in return we generate emotions and "feed" the ones that appear by themselves. There's nothing wrong with having a crush (you were bullied an he was nice to you), but crushes are temporary UNLESS we feed them. You have made a connection between a trauma (bullying) and someone who was nice to you. That's all.You don't even know the guy. He may be a jerk or he may be an angel. Or most likely just an average human.You say that you think he's straight. Well, he's off limits then. This alone should be enough to stop fantasizing about him. Fantasizing too is an act of will. The more you do it the harder it gets to let go.Jealousy is not a bad emotion. It shows us in no uncertain terms what it is that we want so we could go out and get it. You are still young and can get wherever you would like to be.Instead of wasting your energy (thoughts, emotions, actions) invest it!You can use this either as escapism or as motivation. Your choice.
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