A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, i have posted for help 2 times so far and both i have not added ALL the information, and iwant to be 100% sure about my next moves. AND I AM SORRY THAT THIS MAY BE VERY LONG!, but please read it all and help.ive been with my fiancee for 3yrs now and been engaged for 1 1/2 of them. For the most part our realtionship is pretty good, she is good to me, loves me alot, dosent care what i look like. We only had 1 major argument about our relationship about 6months into it about if we should stay friends(because i was getting attracted to other women), and i decided to try to work things out. IT was successful i think because we didnt have a talk like that again, not until about 3 weeks ago.I used to like this one girl ALOT!, but for frustrating reasons i gave up on her and my fiancee came around and i started dating, well throughout my relationship i have had the other girl in my mind all along, not constantly on my mind but reappearing every once in a while. Until recently where i really wanted to see what else was out there and maybe go out with her.i became distant with my fiancee, spending time with friends alot and not doing things with her. one of the reasons for my decision was the sex, we only had sex twice a month!, im not asking for it everyday but more than twice a month! Anyway, we had a talk very heart felt she cried alot and after it all, she asked me what to do and although i wanted to say "stay friends", i chickend out and told her we can fix things again. Now 3 weeks later i still want to date other people but i cannot hurt her feelings!, i know that she deserves the truth and that she will get over itbut i keep thinking of her crying all day in her room being very depressed. and it kills me. i love her and care for her and will always be her friend, but our relationship just didnt work.Ugh i hate this! This has to end dosent it?P.S. I know that i am stupid for thinking about other girls and whatnot while with my fiancee, and i know its horrible but i cant help but feeling that way.
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female
reader, Lorelei2009 +, writes (14 December 2008):
Hi! I can kind of relate to your situation right now because I'm pretty much in the same one. I have been with my boyfriend now for over 3 years. Although we have not become engaged or anything we still love and care for each other very much. A while back I met a guy who I started to see a little bit when I was still with my boyfriend which I know I should not have done. He found out, I apologized and I said we can fix things even though deep down I wanted to continue seeing other people. That went on for a little while longer until I knew what I was doing to him was wrong. As mad as I knew he would be, I told him that I needed him to move out because I needed time for myself to decide what I want right now. I explained that I loved him more than anything and that we could still hang out from time to time and just maybe we could even get back together later. He hasn't moved out yet but will after the Holidays. I don't know what I'm going to do without him at first but I'll figure it out and I'll see where it leads me. For you, I think you as well need to suck it up and tell her your true feelings because you will end up getting married and then wanting out which will be a hundred times worse then ending it right now. I know it will be hard but you can do it and so can she. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Drop it on her like a bomb. Be honest. Be blunt and offensive. It will hurt her, but a whole lot less than if you are nice about it and send mixed messages. Trust me, I'm pretty messed up because I thought for a long time that there was a chance we'd get back together and it didn't happen. Also, cut her off cold turkey. No calls. No meeting for coffee. Definately no sex. You're already screwing her over, don't make it linger. Rip the bandaid so she can throw it away
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 When love died, there is nothing anymore anyone can do about it.If you think you are not compatible, you need to end her agonies.Be like a man and let her go.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (24 January 2008):
 You need to let her go you waisting her time if you are just keeping her around for sex and becuase you think you can keep patching a very flawed relationship from what you have said.
Just break it to her easily do not just drop it on her it would be like droping a cendar block on her. Yeah she will be upset but she will heal with time. But its for the better and the longer you wait the more you will feel guilty. I hope you do the right thing and this soon. And do not tell her its becuase you are attracted to other girls, it would be like dropping a small building on her. Just tell her that you feel like you have grown apart and you think we should see other people.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): It seems like you are a very sensitive guy and have considered your fiancee's position and feelings very carefully - you are very young and being involved to the degree that you are with the doubts that you have cannot be right - read this web site to see all that can go wrong with relationships and if you are not going into a deep committment like engagement without doubts then in my opinion you are headed for a lot more heartache down the line - just be honest - explain that you do not want to hurt your fiancee but...tell the truth - she will respect you for it and you will respecy yourself. You may be able to do what you have said you think you need to do more easily if you maintain a friendship with her and support her as much as she needs. Sex twice a month for an engaged couple indicates not much pleasure is being exchanged. Sounds like you know what you need to do and just needed someone to reaffirm your decision to help you feel better about being cruel to be kind...accept your feelings and actions as following what is right for you first in your life.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Well, it isn't fair to her if you don't love her enough to stay with her. She could be meeting someone who REALLY adores her, if you would just LET HER GO.
Breakups are never happy affairs. But, being with someone who doesn't love you isn't good either.
You need to put an end to this, and break it to her as gently as possible. DON'T tell her that it is because you want to date other woman. That would be devistating to her. Just tell her that you need some space for a while, if you live with her, tell her that you need to get your own place.
It is hard, I know... but the longer you stay with her, the more hurtful it will be when you finally DO get the nerve to call it quits.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 January 2008):
 You have got to be honest with your fiance. By not being honest and "not wanting to hurt her" you are being selfish. You do a disservice to any feelings you have or had for her by the dishonesty. It is very difficult at best to stay friends with someone whom is your fiance. Best to tell her the truth. It is only adding to her grief and yours by being less than honest. It is also obvious that you have not reached a level of maturity in your life where you should be engaged. Sorry to be blunt, but you need it Dude!
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