A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend around 5 months. It has not been the most perfect relationship, he has a short temper which has caused a number of arguments. I know that he is probably not my life long partner, and have considered leaving the relationship a few times, but at the moment have decided to stay as I still love him and feel the good is outweighing the bad. I also recently discovered have suffers mild depression, which explains much of his attitude, so I want to help him instead of walking away.I am extremely close to my mom. From the start she has been wary of him, as he was my first boyfriend and it took her a long time to even get her around to the idea. Eventually they spoke over the phone a few times and where starting to get along well. Recently I was at my moms house (home for the weekend) when I had a fight with him over the phone. She now absolutely hates him and wants nothing to do with him, telling me how disappointed she is that I am staying with him. It has got to the point where I basically have to choose which relationship I want e.g. I have a performance coming up and want them both to attend. My mom now refuses to go, as she says she will not be in the same room without causing a scene in front of my peers. I don't want to loose out on either relationship, and feel its unfair to make me choose. I don't want them to be best friends, even get to know each other if they don't want to I just want her to be civil which she cannot. I can understand she doesn't like me being upset, but i feel I'm an adult, and this is my choice. I would like her respect, regardless of her approval. What can I do to remedy this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I agree with the others OP. You've thought about breaking up but decided not to because you want to fix him.
Well you'll discover pretty soon a short tempered, depressed guy is not fixable by you. Yeah I know you said "help" but you've thought about walking away and this is a reason you're staying, oh and because you love him.
OP your mother is not making you choose in the slightest, she has made it clear it's best if she stays away from him because she, unlike you, is not going to tolerate his treatment of you. She's decided it's best not to be near him because she'll kill him. What did you expect?
She's your mother OP, she'd jump into a burning building covered in petrol to protect you, she's just being a mother. You're the one trying to force a guy that you don't even really want to be with.
He's not a long term prospect, he blows his fuse quite often, you've wanted to walk away more than once and it's only been five months.
OP your mother has 5 strangers who don't even know you on the internet agreeing with her, and you think she's the one being unfair here?
Sure you're allowed to make your own mistakes, but you're the one asking her to be civil to a guy she thinks is a low life and not treating her daughter properly. You're not just being unfair on her by expecting something like that, you're not really thinking of what you're actually asking her.
If you want to keep them both then you have to keep them separate. You don't even envision a happy ending with this guy so why are you trying to get your mom to play happy families with him?
It hasn't gotten to the point where you have to choose which relationship, you're mother isn't going to let a guy she thinks is a prick get in the way of her relationship with her daughter, guess which one will and has always been there for you OP?
You have to make a decision as to who you think it would be more important for you in your long term future to honour here. Does your mom care about seeing your performance? If she does then the choice is simple, a guy you're planning on breaking up with as soon as you've fixed him, or the woman who is only trying to protect you.
Can't go crying to your mother about how much of a bastard he is then turn around and call her the unfair one when she decides she's not going tolerate what you shouldn't either but has chosen to.
OP if you had a friend or sister, or even if your mother had a boyfriend who you saw treating her badly, can you really sit her and tell us you wouldn't be furious in their defence and really have your image of them soured?
He now has to prove to your mother that he can be a good boyfriend to you before she'll even attempt to like him again, but guess what she won't, because frankly OP you don't even really like all that much only right now the bad outweigh the good, you have feelings for him and you feel sorry for him.
Bit much for a 5 month relationship don't you think? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period where everything is pretty perfect yet, you mostly want to be out of this relationship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 OP, you want a bit more than your mother respecting your choice, you want her to like it. She decided to just lump it instead, regardless of the worry and disappointment, with the best possible grace. But obviously she knows herself and knows that she won't be able to show grace and keep her cool if she's put in close proximity of the guy who is currently mistreating you and making you bear the brunt of his short temper- although with your consent.
I think your mom is being smart, do not force things, it's not necessary. Just 5 months, already plenty of arguments, phone fights and you already thinking of leaving him ? this is a no starter, OP, trust us, this should be the thick of the honeymoon phase, if he is already being so difficult- imagine later. Just let things run their course, and pretty soon you won't have to choose between two relationships, because you'll be left with one, that with your mom.
You want a more optimistic, although less probable scenario ? Ok, - let's say your bf feels better / cools down / sees the error of his ways and starts treating you well CONSISTENTLY. After a while, if he really does change, your mom will notice , feel reassured , and change her judgement about him, hence you can bring them closer sort of naturally, no effort.
But for the time being, do not push it, even if you think your mom is overprotective. A) Probably she is being just protective, without over- B) No mom can be OK with a newcomer , and a first boyfriend , that so far has brought into your life more stress and turmoil than he should have.
By asking her to associate with him , to be " civil ", you are basically asking her to endorse his bad behaviour toward you and,if she does not want to do that, it is very understandable.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 OP, if you want your mother (or anyone else) to respect your choices then you have to be seen making good ones.
And this respect you want goes both ways. She has valid reasons to dislike your boyfriend. She doesn't want that kind of person in her life and has, reasonably, chosen not to be around him. Are her choices less worthy of respect than yours? Is her psychological and spiritual well being less important than yours?
'...so I want to help him instead of walking away'. OP, this is victimspeak. Whatever our circumstances in life, whatever our mental state, at the end of the day we all have free will. Your boyfriend chooses to exercise his by mistreating you. Not all of the time, probably not even most of the time, but enough of the time that it is causing problems for you and your family.
If you already know this guy isn't a keeper then seeing it through to the bitter end doesn't do him or you any favours. How bitter do things have to get before you finally let it go? And your decision to stay isn't motivated by compassion for him, but to spare yourself the pain of withdrawal until you've lost interest or someone better comes along.
If you want to be treated like an adult, OP, then you have to make adult decisions. Decisions based on facts, thoughts and logic rather than those driven purely by feelings.
I'm with your mum on this one. She should not be guilt tripped into keeping company with someone she despises. It's up to you to choose whose support matters more to you, your mum's or your sullen, short term boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 "I also recently discovered have suffers mild depression, which explains much of his attitude, so I want to help him instead of walking away"
Oh, please, give me a break. You can't help him recover form a depression, by trying to "help" you only enable him and make it worse. That's what most girls your age do when facing a mad with baggage, they think they can "help" him and "save" him... Oh yeah, sorry to break it to you but that's not going to happen. As for his "mild depression": it's highly likely to just be something he says in order to justify being a prick towards you. Nothing justifies him being mean to you, and if he's got a depression so severe that it affects his actions, so that he is no longer in control of what he says and does, then he's not "mildly" depressed, and should see a DOCTOR, not take advantage of his girlfriend.
You can't do a thing to help this guy. If he's got a genuine depression there's really nothing you can do, he needs to go through it himself and will probably just damage you in the process.
As for your mom.. When arguing with your boyfriend you need to always keep it to yourself. No mother will ever appreciate a guy she knows argues with her daughter, and has heard what problems he creates and seen how much he hurts her. No mother will like that guy. So, the damage is done, you argued in front of her (over the phone so she heard). You should have kept your voice low, and stayed calm, so she wouldn't hear you. You couldn't do that, and now here you are. She's not making you choose, she's just picked sides. She's on YOUR side. She hates him for you. She refuses to go because she doesn't want to see HIM. She's not making you choose, or giving you ultimatums, she's simply letting you know where she stands, and wont change her opinion. Ever. Your mother will never like this guy. Them being best friends? In your dreams. NEVER going to happen, not even if you marry him and have kids with him and stay together for 20+ years.
My friend did the mistake once of telling her mother about arguments she had with her boyfriend. Crying on her mothers shoulder. So what happened? The mother grew to hate the guy. And when my friend wanted to continue the relationship, the mother was against it. The relationship went on for 2-3 more years, and all along the mother hated the guy. Can you believe how troublesome that was? They eventually broke up, and now my friend is happy with someone else, and NEVER lets her mother in on any arguments again.
Problem is, your mother knows this isn't a good guy for you. She sees it more clearly because she's older and wiser. You on the other hand are young, and need to make your own mistakes in order to learn. Try to tell your mother this. Your mother knows he's no good for you because she herself has dated idiots and guys not good for her. That's how she knows. But if she's going to call the shots on who you should be with or not, you'll never learn to break it off once it goes bad.
So tell your mother you need to be allowed to make your own mistakes. She needs to butt out of your relationship. She's allowed to not like him, but she's not allowed to offer her opinion.
Next time, find a guy your mother likes. It makes your life so much easier, and your mother is usually right about what guys are worth keeping around, and what guy is good for you. She knows you very well, after all.
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