A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have more of a circumstance that i'm unsure how to address rather than just a question.my girlfriend and i have been together for nearly half a year. casually we engage in physical activities but not sex. i can tell just by the way she suggests things that she is eager to have sex with me however i am not. not that it's because of her it's not that. i see sex as having to many possible consequences that i'm unable to support at this point in my life and i try to make that clear. she gives statements like she's on her pill or such things as the morning after pill, but those don't persuade me in the slightest. the fact that i don't want to have sex is concrete.i believe the problem comes from the context that her past relationship of a very long period of time involved a lot of casual sex. the thing with me is i don't see it as a casual activity to partake in and that's just my personal standpoint. however that is just speculationi feel really bad when she gets aroused to a point that cannot be sated without passing a threshold that i'm not prepared to approach. she says she's okay with the fact that i don't want to have sex but then says things like "it's fine you just don't want to have sex with me." the way she says that sounds like i'm rejecting her to me which isn't case i'm rejected the activity. i try to make this clear but it makes her even more upset, then she just gets mad for like 5 minutes and apologizes and then says it's okay i'd rather wait for you to be ready.i can tell that there is a strain on her but i don't feel like i can do anything about it. i'm unsure how to handle the situation at times which is why i'm even writing this. to me it's a cross between being a really huge deal or no big deal at all. on the surface she handles it well but i know it hurts her at the same time so i don't really know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): Plenty of people are "casually" with someone else for 6 months. It's called hookups, FWBs, open relationships, or generally just being unfaithful. Or maybe the OP meant she slept with a bunch of different guys in 6 months.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 June 2013):
 First of all, I want to make it clear that you shouldn't feel pressured to have sex until YOU are ready to do so. No one should ever press you into doing anything that you're not comfortable in doing.
I wanted to lay that foundation so that would be the context of what I'm about to say next, because I don't want my advice to be misinterpreted as saying "You should be doing this".
There are some things you said about this that is very telling here.
1. "i believe the problem comes from the context that her past relationship of a very long period of time involved a lot of casual sex. the thing with me is i don't see it as a casual activity to partake in and that's just my personal standpoint. however that is just speculation"
If she was in a "very long period of time" in one relationship, then it's NOT casual sex. Casual sex is having sex with someone while NOT in a relationship. It also can involve multiple guys and one night stands. Her sex with her ONE long term relationship is no more having casual sex than it would be with you 6 months into yours.
2. "i feel really bad when she gets aroused to a point that cannot be sated without passing a threshold that i'm not prepared to approach. "
Really? There are so many ways to bring women to a point beyond sexual ecstasy without even so much as taking off your pants! Why would she get aroused and not sated when she could easily be satisfied while you honor your abstinence. One sex toy or your fingers or tongue, expertly used, could turn her into a quivering pile of satisfaction even more than your penis ever could.
I'm going to ask you a tough question here -- are you punishing her or having a problem with her past sexual history? Are you refusing to touch her because you feel she won't value sex with you as much as you think she should based on the fact that she's had it with another guy?
If that is the case, then you both are incompatible and should not be together, because making her wait because you have a problem with her past sexual history is passive aggressive. Her history, and your discomfort with it, will never change. Best not to waste time and find some other girl whose sexual history and compatibility is a closer match for yours.
The other thought here is that you might be smokescreening your performance anxiety behind some sort of "I'm not ready " altruism. If that is the case, and you're afraid of measuring up to her past exes, then you're not only being untrue to her in terms of your motives, but you're being untrue to yourself and letting your fear inhibit your relationship.
You didn't mention whether or not you've ever had sex before, but your use of "Casual" in the context of your 6-month relationship suggests to me that you are a virgin. Time to stop making excuses and start learning about how to please a woman. It's your right to not want sex until you're ready, but if you keep falling back on "I don't want to be casual" when it comes to even being able to give your girl an orgasm without intercourse, you're going to lose her and other good women who can see what's what.
Either that, or you're not sexually compatible with her, which means you should find someone who is more compatible and allow her to do the same. In a long-term committed relationship, there's no such thing as "casual".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Having very mismatched sexual histories and values is a bad sign for compatibility in general.
This would be a standard piece of advice for dating if the culture had sense and maturity. But we are too politically correct and immature to admit that our sexual history is relevant to future partners.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Firstly kudos to you for being responsible about where you plant your seed.'the thing with me is i don't see it as a casual activity to partake in'Does this mean in your mind you're in a casual relationship with her? If after 6 months the relationship still feels casual to you, do you think you will get any closer?i feel really bad when she gets aroused to a point that cannot be sated without passing a threshold that i'm not prepared to approach. What is your threshold? You say you get physical with her but you don't believe in casual sex. Does this mean that you do everything but penetrative sex? Because there are other ways of sating her without getting pregnant which sounds like your biggest worry; oral and fingering for example.If you really have different views about this it is only going to chip away at her self confidence because she is getting constantly rejected by someone who claims to be attracted to her. You have the right not to have sex if you don't want to, but you're not very compatible with someone who wants sex because you're just hurting her and she's just pressuring you.Theoretically, I don't think you're compatible but only you can make that call yourself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Well...at your age, and I'm assuming hers, you're both sexually mature adults, and unless you're both in a religion that is fairly prohibitive, not having sex with her IS rejection. She's validated in feeling that way. I know I would be gutted if my boyfriend of that long didn't want to have sex with me (no matter how many times you tell her it isn't HER, believe me, she thinks it must be). Have you also told her that you think she engaged in " lots of casual sex" in her previous LTR? Honestly, that's a little insulting. Do you mean that they actually had sex, lots of it, and good sex? That's healthy! Sex with the one you love in a monogamous, committed relationship is not casual sex -- at least not the way I would define it. I have been with one man, and I waited until age 25 to do so. When I met the right guy, I knew. We had sex within a month of dating, and have been happily going at it like rabbits for a year now. There will always be potential consequences to sex, and babies are possible no matter what form of birth control you use. As long as you count the potential cost and make an informed, adult decision, there is nothing casual about it. When would you be okay having sex? When, if she got pregnant, you could marry her and support the baby?
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (13 June 2013):
Having sex is consent by both people and you are quiet right for you if you do not wish to hae sex.On the other hand she must understand and respect your wishes.Sex is part of a relatonship not the total relationship. Have a indept chat with her and explain how you feel and your decision not to have sex.Best Wishes Nora B.
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