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I walked in on my wife while she was performing oral sex. Should I end the marriage?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 January 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, *echel writes:

Me and my wife have been married for 12 years now.I never expected this from her.One day when I got home from work I walked in on her giving head to another man.He immediately ran out of the apartment,didn't even have time to get dressed.In our house she dared to do such a disgusting thing.I demanded an explanation straight away and to be honest I don't even know how I found it within me not to beat her up in my anger but anyway she said out of boredom.I love her so I don't want to divorce her but I can't get over this moreover I can't be sure she won't do it again.Maybe part of it is my fault because I have been neglecting our sex life lately but that is not the right way to go about it.She cried a lot,I cried too,it was tough but at the end of the day i love her

.I think I can forgive her but every time I attempt to kiss her I get disgusted because I know what those lips have been wrapped around already.I don't know what to's a good thing we don't have kids.If we did it would've been even more complicated.She told me everything-how she met that guy(on Ashley Maddison),when they first hooked up,what they did in detail and so on and she deleted his contacts in front of me and swore she'd never use Ashley Maddison again or any other site of that nature ever again.I dont know what to do,it's been nearly 2 weeks since I caught her red handed and ever since that day we haven't slept together in one bed or had any physical contact for that matter.Should I end this?Help pls!

View related questions: divorce, oral sex, sex life

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 January 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI'm with CodeWarrior,

Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. It erodes trust and honestly attract/affections towards the cheater and then WHAT do you have?

I don't think someone can really rebuild the loving trust there USED to be after something like this.

And how many times have she done this and NOT gotten caught?

For me, personally, if my husband did this, I'd let him pack some bags and GTFO. The next person I'd call would be a divorce lawyer.

While you might have some blame in her feeling lonely and neglected - she CHOSE to sign up on a website for CHEATING spouses so she could F%^& around. So she deleted his contact info... big deal...

Whatever you decide, is what you think you can live with. If you decide that you want to give the marriage a try and make it work, FIND a GOOD couples-counselor and start from there.

Forgiveness is important, whether you stay married or not. NOT for her, but for you. Living with her actions can make you resentful and bitter and that isn't fair on YOU.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (29 January 2016):

Code Warrior agony auntI don't abide cheaters. I instantly stop caring about them and kick them out of my life forever, no second chances, no discussion, no yelling or other drama, at least not on my part. I forgive the cheating, and I don't hate the cheater, I just no longer care about them and I refuse to have them in my life because I will never trust them again. But that's me and you have to do what's right for you.

That being said, if you choose to forgive her and give her a second chance, then you're never allowed to use it against her again. However, the odds are very good that you will never shake that image, you will bring it up whenever she complains about something, and you will never trust her again.

Forgive doesn't mean forget and I seriously doubt you will be able to resist throwing it in her face and tormenting her whenever she has the gall to complain about something you did that upset her. So, if you're going to forgive her, then tormenting her afterward is not allowed.

Right now, you don't have children so it's the perfect time to end it. Don't go trying to have children thinking that will fix everything. It won't fix anything, it will only add more stress and make it more tempting to cheat. Also, kids will only make it worse later after you figure out that you can't shake it like you thought you could. At that point, having children means you'd be forced to deal with her until the children become adults, and even then, you'll never really be able to fully distance yourself since the kids will discuss her with you. The best time to leave is now.

In addition, you need to get yourself tested for STI's because who knows how many other women that guy has been doing. For that matter you really don't even know how many different guys she's done, you only have her word for that and her word isn't worth crap because she can't be trusted.

Lastly, those who think the blame is some kind of two way street are full of crap. Don't allow her to make some excuse that something you did or didn't do led her to cheat. That's a load of BS. She had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to choose that means of dealing with her issues. None. Her first step should have been to discuss her issues with you and maybe get some marriage counseling. If you refused, then her next step would be to end the marriage. After the marriage is over, then she can go and get what she wants. Cheating is NEVER a legitimate option and the fact that she chose it is totally on her and nobody else.

Do what you want, but your marriage is already destroyed. You may believe it's commendable to give her a second chance, but it's really just naive wishful thinking based on the hope that you can trust her again someday and that you won't let this fester in your mind. It may sound good on paper, but it will be exceedingly difficult for you to get past this and far too easy for her to hide her tracks better the next time.

Hopefully, you make the right decision for you and I wish you well.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (29 January 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou will never get that image out of your head. This wasn't some mistake she made in the heat of the moment, she joined a website in order to cheat on you, she sought out someone who wanted this with someone else who was married. Did she think about you? No off course not she just wanted some fun. Is this your fault? No off course not, if she felt neglected she should have come to you and spoke to you about how she felt, but she didn't she thought she would have some fun with a stranger. Maybe a stranger who has an STI or something even worse. Did she think about these dangers when she had her lips wrapped around him? No. Did she care about her marriage? No.

If you forgive her, which I really don't think you will be able to, she probably will know then that it is okay to do this time and time again. She will just be better at hiding it the next time. Some people have no morals. Yes I no that you love her, but as yourself did she really love you when she was wrapped around another guy?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016):

This happened to my fiancé a few years ago (not by me). He stayed, but she cheated three more times. By the end he was broken, and he still has major trust issues. He left in the end and now we are happier than ever in our relationship. Problems in a relationship need to be resolved together, and not by cheating, so it's not your fault she cheated. That is her choice and her responsibility.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (29 January 2016):

Garbo agony auntTo break up or forgive ... is your decision to be made and whatever you decide is a correct decision for you. The image of what you saw her doing will, indeed, linger in your mind for a very long time, perhaps for ever, and it will always be a trigger of anxiety, regret, anger, disgust... Some people can live with that and some don't. If you are a guy who can't then cut your losses and divorce.

Personally, I would leave her but what I would do is irrelevant for you because you have to do what is right for you. What she did can never be undone so you need to decide quickly and move on it.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (29 January 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntDepends on how long you think you can tolerate re living what you saw. It's hardly something you can just will away and will remain in your 'ever present' for a fair while I would imagine. You see,IMHO, it is easier for a cheater to push things to the back of their mind and move forward because thats exactly what they want to do- forget it so they feel better about things, ease up on having to feel any guilt etc. I just don't think you ever get full disclosure from a cheating spouse. They say they tell you every thing, but they? How can you trust what they say when you obviously cant trust what they do? So in essence there is still the potential for being cheated on,just out of the truth. So what do you end up with-a hyper vigilant existence and a relationship as crooked as a dogs hind leg. Cheating is something people never really truly forgive and forget. Up to you of course, but that ,I think ,is a marital issue with a point of no return. Sorry

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (29 January 2016):

Denizen agony auntI sympathise with you. Your world has been shaken to the core. Things will never be the same again between you. You might be able to relaunch your relationship. She could vow to be faithful from now on, and you might forgive her. But I doubt it will work. You would have to be a saint, and she a convert. The spectre of that scene is always going to be in the way.

Ask her to make arrangements to move out as soon as possible. Don't shut yourself off from friends and family. They are going to be a great support to you.

I am so sorry for your suffering. Take heart that it will get better over time but it does take a while. The best part is you will find someone better than her eventually, and you will be even happier than you have been in the past.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (29 January 2016):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntI think both of you ive noticed have problems communicating. Rebuilding trust is quite hard and often times professional help is required to do so and can take a long time. Right now I wouldnt trust a word she says and just avoid her. For the record you should have kicked his ass. It was his intention from day one to find someone like your wife.

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A male reader, DisenchantedMan Bulgaria +, writes (29 January 2016):

My wife won't even blow me.She blew her exes though.Women are hard to understand but in this case even though it's not all your fault and I agree that was not the right way to fix the issue,you are to blame too.At the end of the day every woman needs some proper dick.If you don't give it to her,she'll find it elsewhere.What I'd suggest is that you cheat to so you can be even and continue this marriage since you love her so much but if you feel like you can't live with her any more just get divorced and stay friends.

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