A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been having the worst time of my life over the past year. I was made redundant last July 06 and haven't found a permanent job yet! I've just finished a 6 month fixed term job; had 4 interviews last months and still no job. I'm also in the middle of a unfullfilling relationship with a man (for the past year and a half) who won't commit and am finding it really hard to pull away as I'm in love with him. This is so unlike me! In the past I would never have put up with this. I feel so confused and unhappy and don't know how to get out of this situation without causing myself a lot of hurt. We've known each other for over 20 years and he has leant on me for support when his dad died, nearly 2 years ago. He's had a really tough life (his father was in prison in a political regime and tortured and to add to this he had two children who died in infancy from cotdeath.) We are very close and he does support me over being unemployed and has helped me out around the house when I needed help. He does drink (mainly at the weekends - he works in the catering industry) although he is trying to reduce his drinking and has taken up jogging. He's had 4 previous long term relationships and doesn't feel he can fall in love anymore. He also rings me (when he's drunk) to says he feels guilty for not loving me and that I should hate him and forget about him. He keeps saying that he wishes he did love me as he should as he thinks I'm wonderful etc. On the other hand he's said (usually when he's had a drink!) that he would be devastated if/when I find someone else as he is so messed up!!! I'm find it upsetting and need to get out but I'm finding it really difficult. I've tried several times to not see him but he always manages to drag me back in. I used to be such a strong willed person and this situation is just draining me. I was married but divorced 7 years ago and have not had a significant relationship since. I've never allowed myself to fall in love (I was frightened of getting hurt). Now because I love this man I'm afraid how much it's going to hurt me when I end it, particularly when I think he's interested in someone else. He says that this woman is just a friend and that she's not the one for him (whatever that means!). I can't help feeling very jealous (hate feeling this way :-( if he mentions her. He does have some other women friends but they are work colleagues. This woman is a fairly new friend. Anyway, I can't live like this as it's all feeling too stressful having to cope with unemployment as well. I've decided that this weekend I have to really end it as I feel so unhappy.
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female
reader, Manya  +, writes (17 August 2007):
HI! You know they say that you must choose your battles. I think that if you arereally bonded to this guy, breaking away AND looking for a new job is just toomuch to put on your own head. I would say, concentrate on looking for the newjob and MAKE HIM HELP YOU! Guys need to be given tasks. You said he "doessupport you over being unemployed" and that's good, but he should be doingmore. He needs to see that you really respect yourself. This may seem contradictory to the previous paragraph, but also spend sometime by yourself. Don't be a drinking buddy. If you set a strong example ofrising like a phoenix, good things will follow. Focus on yourself.Keep in touch with the aunts. From your letter you still seem strong!!!!Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): You have answered your own question: he is making you very unhappy and you would be better off without him.
Turn to your friends. If you haven't any, join something or do some voluntary work (which would also look good on your CV.
It sounds like although you are drained you are making plenty of efforts to find work. Channel the energy you put into him, into other areas of your life such as jobhunting, your social life and friendships.
You are worth better than this.
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (17 August 2007):
 I'm in a very similar situation to you. Over the last 5 years I have changed and become someone I don't like very much. If I'm really honest with myself it's because I'm in a marriage that I'm not strong enough to end. You are clearly unhappy in your current set up even though you love this man, but what good is that if you're not happy? I suspect it's because he won't commit to you. It's heartbreaking loveing someone who doesn't feel the same way. What makes it worse is that this man plays with your head, makes it clear he doesn't want to commit, yet doesn't want you to find your happiness with anyone else, which shows him to be a very cruel manipulative man. Is he worth all your love? Is it worth remaining with someone you love when all you can look forward to is feeling "not up to the mark" and being miserable and unhappy. Those very feelings may well come across in your job interviews and stop you securing yourself a job, which I know from experience will impact on self esteem even more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I am your age, and have been in your position myself, including the no work situation. I'm not saying what worked for me will work for you. I know it is hard to do, but in hindsight (which I now have the pleasure of), the best thing for me to do was to be break away from a relationship that was not mutually fulfilling and which was going nowhere. I'm not saying it is easy. I've had to learn to be truly alone. No matter how independent or strong willed you are, there are times that life just truly drags on you. It is not permanent, and it is okay to wobble a bit, as long as you do not let it pull you down. Another thing to warn you of is that at our age, no matter if you are thin or beautiful, there are simply not many decent men around. There are married men, emotionally broken men, men who do not understand that they should diet or brush their teeth, men who have never been employable; however, there are not many that I would actually like to date. A sense of humor is a wonderful thing, though. Don't worry dear, you will find yours again.
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