A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have apparently went on a forced break by him, not me. We've been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. We don't live together and would see each other once or twice a week and then spend the weekends together. We started getting annoyed with one another and eventually started fighting all the time, through texts, and then when we'd get together we'd fight over something petty, mostly my fault. Anyway, it's been 3 weeks since we've saw each other and he hasn't outright asked me over and I know it's because he got sick of us bickering with one another so I'm assuming he's not really wanting to be around me thinking we'll fight. He's been very distant over the last 3 weeks but has kept in contact with me and says he loves and misses me. I told him that if he was truly unhappy and thought staying apart was for the best that I wouldn't contact him anymore and let him move on, but he's the one initiates the contact. He updated his facebook last night involving my name, which implied everything's alright, but I know they aren't. He text me last night and said he misses me being in his arms and he can't wait to hold me again, but that's the extent of it. He makes no plans for it to happen. So, he'll say things which implies he wants me over but he just won't ask and he knows I'm not the type to just show up. I like an ivitation or at least an "are you coming over?".I'm being as patient and understanding as I can. I'm giving him space and letting him come to me. I love this man so much and admit things were getting pretty rocky so a break was probably needed... I'm just worried the longer he goes without seeing me the more he'll forget about me. Thoughts, please? Has anyone else went through this and will it get better? Oh, and I don't believe this is a case of him cheating as he never done or said anything to give me an unfaithful impression.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Let me be the first male response to your question. The break is a prelude to a "breakup."
He will feed you reassuring words of encouragement; but he is emotionally preparing himself to move on. Men like to get a head-start in moving on, and he's protecting his ego. He is dealing with his own emotions in secret.
I know an aunt has suggested that you invite him over for a talk.
Guess what? He'll come over, you'll get emotional, and he'll bolt out the door.
He'll pick a fight, so he has a reason to leave; before you go into emotional outpouring of your feelings. That's why he's taking a break. He's tired of dealing with you and your emotions. Please don't take all the blame on yourself. You both are fighting, and it's escalating; because you're becoming incompatible. You can't find a route to compromise.
It's one thing to ask for space; but you have to come back to resolve the problem. It's been over half a month. He's not cooling off, he's chilling out. Getting a taste of freedom.
If he takes a "break," he is just emotionally preparing to end it. He has to run it through his mind and analyze his options. He isn't emotionalizing like you are, he's taking the logical route.
He initiates contact, to keep you on emotional hold; until he has made his personal decision. Otherwise; he would have voluntarily wanted to talk it out. He knows that earlier attempts to talk it out, have not been successful. So do you.
You can't force him to be cooperative at this point. You'll be begging and pleading, he'll be like a rock. He won't budge. So do the same as he's doing. Weigh your pros and cons; and whether you really want to maintain a relationship.
He's going to beat you to a decision. You're already broken up about it. He won't be as emotional. I promise you that.
He is practicing what to say, how to respond to your emotional reactions, and how not to look like a dick.
So prepare. You should be ready to deal with whatever comes.
You will have to make your own closure; because men usually aren't up for offering it. You'll have a million "why's" and he doesn't have the time, or desire, to be emotional. Just direct.
You already know the why's. What do you fight about most? That's why. If they're stupid things, how come it happens so often? You get on each others nerves. That's why.
Don't be the one who gets blind-sided. Hope for the best and just prepare for the worst. People will tell you how much they love you, long after they've packed their bags and left.
Just because you want to work it out; doesn't mean he does.
You haven't been agreeing on things lately.
Feel free to read him my response if you like.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 September 2013):
 Call him and ask him over so you two can figure out where you stand. You can't presume to be on a break he might be presuming that you BROKE up already - so eiuther TALK over the phone (no texting) or face to face and figure out where you stand.
You shouldn't HAVE to guess what the status of your relationship is. Either you are together or you are NOT.
You being patient and "letting" him come to you - it isn't working because what if....that is what he is doing to you as well?
TALK with each other,for crying out loud - IF you want to see him then TELL him. Or if you want to break it off them tell him that. Otherwise you two are doomed to assuming that the other person can read your mind and are doing this out of spite, which might be totally wrong.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2013):
 WORDS mean NOTHING
he can text you that he loves you and misses you all he wants but unless his actions prove it, it means nothing.
and I think he does it to keep you from finding someone else... this way you hang on to those shreds of hope that it will be ok.
If you are fighting and unhappy then you end it... why do you have to wait for him to end it?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I would definitely let him know that you do want to see him. Just send him a message saying you love him and hope you see him soon and leave it at that.
He is the one who asked for space, so he is the only one who can call time on when that space ends. I know it's incredibly painful and hard to stay away, everything in your body will tell you to go knocking on the door, but don't do it.
It seems he is already missing you so allow him the time to come back when he is ready...and when he does come back (which he will) you will absolutely know it's because he wanted to and not because you coaxed him to.
You've been together for 3 years, he isn't going to forget about you, but he will be watching every move you make over this time apart, so how you handle it is crucial to how the relationship proceeds.
Lots of couples take a time out and while you are apart, try to think about what made you argue and how you can compromise so the same arguments don't happen again.
This is what working on a relationship means!
Try not to worry, good luck and let us know how things go xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I don't do breaks so I would do nothing. You don't live together, just spending weekends. Maybe he wants to relax during weekends and you want to be entertained? You don't want to go back to him, give him sex, then have him withdraw again. I agree you have to look at the arguments you are having. I don't believe arguments are petty. People say that wishing problems are not as great as them seem. They are bottled up issues. Maybe you want one thing and he wants another. Don't just wish back on better moments. Couples split because they don't get on with each other. There are two problems. You were constantly fighting, and he needs 3 weeks to cool off? That's 21 frigging days? What happens when you get married and have kids? Where is he going to go? You need a man who can handle things and not just imply he's horny when time passes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Hi, I think you sound a bit like myself, in that we like the guy to make the first move. I've always been of the 'let them do the chasing' thought, but have found from experience that can backfire sometimes. It sounds like he genuinely misses you, but maybe he's afraid that you won't want to see him. If he's making hints, maybe ask him light heartedly if he is hinting to see you? Be honest, have a frank discussion about the arguments you were having. If they were petty, I'm sure it's just a case of the honeymoon period being over and just getting used to each other. I think you are definitely right to give him space, but maybe let him know that you do care. Good Luck :)
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