A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, this is a very long drawn out story, but I don't know who I can talk to about it. And I think I need some advice from someone with a really open mind.First off, I've been with my wife for 10 years and she is undoubtedly (along with my kids) the best thing that's ever happened to me, actually sometimes I think the only really good thing that's happened to me. Over the last 5 years things have been rough though, mostly due to us both changing with parenthood. She had a good year and a half of post-partem depression, and that sent me into a tailspin that I'm desperately trying to get out of. I was always (it seemed) away at work, away from her, which was hard because we had worked side by side for our first 5 years. I was all of a sudden amongst a lot of people who I couldn't relate to, one of the only people I felt that I could relate to I fell for. I don't know if I was actually in love, or in lust, or in obsession, but it lasted way too long. Eventually a year and a half or so into it ( I never did anything, just felt things) I told my wife. We had talked about threesomes, and polyamoruos relationships before with an open mind, no naturally I went there in my head. My wife briefly entertained the thought, then immediately shut it down, due to the fact that I had felt things for her for so long, was dishonest about it, and frankly she though the girl was too pretty. I strung it out, I did not want to leave my wife (even if the chance with this girl was a sure thing) but I couldn't stop feeling these things for this girl. I would tell my wife that my feelings were done, but then they'd come back, and I'd lie to save us the fight or spare her feelings, but eventually the truth would come out. I went crazy. My wife went crazy, she even became a friend with this girl on myspace, and met her at my work as a customer, the character she created. She started snooping, which of course would bring to light things I didn't want to talk to her about. No doubt about it I hurt her incredibly, but the whole time I loved her deeply.She acted as if I had cheated (in mind, yes. I guess emotionally, but can you completely control that?) and I would alway wear that cross in our relationship. This made me spiteful, if I was to get the blame I should at least have the fun on sex with another woman (childish I know), so though I've never cheated on my wife, I've entertained elaborate scenarios with specific people, and gotten a whole lot closer than I'm comfortable with, and more that she'll ever know. These girls were also from work, a place where flirting and sexual inuendo are rampant, I had to get away. So there we were now, for the most part out of the woods we love each other, we have some huge problems but we're trying to fix them. My wife brings up the idea of bringing in another person, she wants a girlfriend, and wants to see me with another woman. Frankly, the idea of having another woman(my wife is the only person I've ever slept with) excites me, but not just sexually, I think it would be great to have another companion. Neither my wife or I really have close friends, and I want to experience with my wife(I want this to be for her as much as me) what we had when we first got together. My wife was leery, but after talking about it extensively we agreed that if she pursued a woman, it wouldn't be cheating, I just wanted to know where she was in the relationship. And she was adament that she wanted me right by her side, whether involved sexually or just relationship wise.So she found a girl online through a singles site, and struck up a friendship that would possibly be open to more.This girl seems to be amazing, a combination of my wife and I in many things. She has a lot of the same interests as I (she even wants to have the same career as I) and in other ways she's a lot like my wife. Now things have been slow, mostly writing, they just finally met a couple of weeks ago, but have known each other for almost 5 months. I eventually started to write this girl as well (she really doesn't know for sure what our intentions are/were) and she seemed to really like both of us. My wife at times seemed jealous of me and then at times seemed jealous of her, but we've talked a lot out. I want this, and I thought she did too.Well here we were, I'd been working 2 jobs for 2 years f, exhausted, partially because I felt guilty of the mess I had earlier brought into our lives. We are on the verge of claiming bankruptcy, moved in with my mom(another source of stress), and I just kind of had an emotional and mental breakdown. This caused me to loose/quit my part time job(which I was going to quit eventually) and when I got out of the hospital, I basically got the ax from my other job due to lay offs. I've been out of work for a month, and it's been hard, a lot of stress on all levels, and tons of tension between my wife and I. I feel like a failure, and my wife is so tired of my low self-esteem, lack of motivation, inability to open up. I'm honestly trying, but I feel I'm pushing her away. We're great then we're not, our relationship has been a roller coaster. My wife met with this girl and things sounded great, then we had a fight. My wife had not heard from this girl for sometime, and when I asked about her, my wife said she didn't feel a spark and didn't think this girl liked her (like that). Recently, I've been sneaking into her mailbox ( not my proudest moment, I know, although my wife has frequently said I can read any message between them due to the situation, and her account used to be wide open now she doesn't want me anywhere near it) and I've seen a couple of messages that say the exact opposite. They both mention a spark, and further more my wife says she thinks we're finally over, and that I've been body snatched. What strikes me is that this girl has gone through hell with her husband(they are separated) and my wife has shone the same light on me in a way that this girl has on her husband. I (probably foolishly) want this to turn into something, but I feel like my wife is looking to replace me with this girl. I don't mind if I'm not a part of their relationship, although I desperately want to be friends and know her better, I just want my wife to be up front.But I feel because of our history I don't have a right to be hurt. I'm not exactly mad, I'm confused, excited, and fearful. What do I do? Do I confront her? Do I tell her I snooped through her mailbox? Do I have a right to feel hurt? Should I be mad, I mean after all if she's feeling things for this girl I can certainly relate. I've been on the other side of most the things she's not been upfront about. If you've read this thank you, and I look forward to any advice anyone has. Just please everyone have an open mind.
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at work, bankrupt, cheated on my wife, flirt, jealous, moved in, myspace, sex with another, spark, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2009):
 This one hurts my head, this is a really convoluted story and I just can't do the he said/she said, he did/she did, he didn't/she didn't analysis. It's trying to clean up the mess of the outhouse exploding when in reality, you should be looking for the gas leak that caused the explosion in the first place. So if you don't mind, I'm going to go back to the start of this.
You two got married. You loved each other and you were both virgins. Life happened. Things happened. And whatever coping skills you each had and whatever communication skills you each had were not good enough to handle the things that happened.
You needed something that she couldn't/wouldn't provide. She needed something that you couldn't/wouldn't provide. I'm not into the blame game here, but what I see is that she withdrew from you due to post-partum depression. I think people who suffer that kind of withdraw from life until they get treatment. Did she ever get treatment?
Did you feel used up by having to support her and the family through this really rocky time with a young child and bills and work? Or did you withdraw from her and turn to work?
Now, I know that she should have/could have/ought to have been a better wife to you. I expect she wanted to be. Maybe she didn't make that clear enough to you when she was so low.
So you, feeling lonely and bereft and needy yourself, you removed yourself from the marriage in a way, and found consolation in this other girl. The one who didn't make all kinds of demands and wasn't lactacting, post-partum and just not the girl you married. She looked so ideal and so perfect and so easy that you just couldn't stop thinking about her. I agree, feelings are not really yours to control. Mostly. But you wanted to experience this (I'm assuming) young, beautiful girl and somehow those feelings leaked out. I'm guessing there was more than you just sitting there gazing upon her beauty or wishing you were gazing upon her beauty, thinking impure thoughts. You DID something. Maybe more than one something. Because if you had just let the matter drop and had managed to conceal the feelings, your wife would have assumed that it was just a fantasy and it was done.
I think your wife needed you and you needed a break.
And you have never dealt with all that in a constructive way, the two of you together, putting the pieces back together. Things have been simmering, resentments building, revenge plotted on both sides.
I think your wife got tired of waiting for you to emotionally support her, so she went and found it somewhere else. You do actually have a right to your feelings, including the hurt ones. She may indeed be replacing you with a newer, more nurturing, more focused on her needs person.
So what are you gonna do about it? Personally, I think you both need to remove anyone else from the equation and work on this together. Yes, there's going to be a scene, yes, there are going to be tears and probably a lot of shouting and not much will get accomplished at first. If you want to save this marriage, which it sounds as though you do, you both have to agree to work on it. Not fix it the first day. Just agree that things aren't working, that there have been major mistakes and problems, but that you want to be with her more than anyone else in the world and you want to form a newer stronger and fresher, more resilient bond with your wife.
It's going to be painful and ugly and it may take a while. And you, my dear, are going to have to realize your culpability... because I think there is more than you are telling us. I know, there's a lot there already, but you went *poof* from the marriage, right when she needed you most. You had good reasons, no doubt, you needed the cash and bills don't pay themselves. But you see, she's entitled to her feelings too. Even if they are irrational and even if they are based on a hormonal imbalance following childbirth. She's entitled to feel neglected and unloved and disrespected and all those things.
The spite has to end. The loving and acceptance and forgiveness has to begin. You have to make a conscious choice: work like you have never worked on anything in your entire goddamn life on this marriage. Or you will watch things crumble away around you and neither of you will have learned the life lesson that is smack dab in front of you.
Go start. Scoot. Now, today. Tell her. And for god's sake, tell her you love her more than anything in this world and HOLD her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): This is a very strange drawn out situation, and believe me I know my fault(s) in it. The threesome was never meant to be a cure all for our marriage problems. It's something that was kind of discussed from the get go. The two things that we both felt it would help, was A. (the fact that I've only been with one woman, a woman I don't want to cheat on, want to stay with, love dearly), and B. my wife has primarily had attraction for woman, and she wanted to explore that type of relationship with a woman. It's true that we have pretty much swapped roles in some ways, and I don't have any room to complain, but I never intended to replace my wife, I love her, I've always wanted to be with her. I just had an incredibly unhealthy crush on a girl, my mind was seriously muddled, and I couldn't figure out how to stop feeling unhealthy feelings for her. What I don't get, is why the secrecy, everything is condoned by me (even if I'm not involved sexually), she says she still loves me, and still wants to stay with me. This message did happen to fall within one of our fights, and maybe she was just saying things she was thinking at the time, maybe she isn't still in that place,and regrets them. I know I sound like a creep for the things I've done, and I live with that every day. But I feel I have a right to know where she is in this thing. Believe it or not I did try to be honest about my feelings in the past, it's just that it kept tearing her apart, I didn't want to keep breaking her (which unfortunately I did). But despite what some may think sex was not the primary factor of my feelings in the past, or even our venture with this other girl.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Plaid bermuda shorts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): It sounds like a very messy situation, and I'm really not sure what to say. History not withstanding, I think your wife is keying off your current situation. You were having trouble with depression even before you lost your job. Now your self-esteem is in the dumper, not helped at all by the fact that your wife seems to have decided to have an affair with this girl.
There's a whole chicken and egg thing going on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your marriage improved dramatically if you got back to being your self-confident, assured self. Your wife will feed on that, and it will turn the vicious circle your marriage is becomming into a virtuous circle. She'd likely give up on the idea of the affair, or at least go back to the threesome idea and include you.
I understand, of course, is that it's going to be very hard for you to get back on your feet when you're feeling so bad about your marriage. But that's the best advice I can offer. Good luck.
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